Sunday, November 23, 2008

Hey hey hey folks

Here's another piece of vented spleen. Yes it's late again, ok very late again. I posted it Royal Mail third class. It's a new category to help with the credit crunch......

Hope ye enjoy


Bawbags and Bandwagons

Are we becoming a more hysterical and shallow Nation I wonder? There have been a number of stories in the press recently which seem to have spiralled out of all proportion. Take the whole Russell Brand/Jonathan Ross fiasco. It went a bit radio rental didn’t it? Yes they shouldn’t have left obscene messages on Andrew Sachs answer phone and yes the producers probably deserved a kick up the backside for thinking that it was actually ok to broadcast such drivel (given they had two days to mull it over)

But hello people! Did the controller of Radio two really have to fall on her sword? Did it really merit Politicians getting involved? Questions in the House of Commons and calls for the death penalty to be reinstated? I think not.

The question we should really be asking is where did Andrew Sachs get an answer phone that could actually hold an hours worth of puerile schoolboy messages? My answer machine stores about three and a half seconds before truncating any future message into meaningless gobbledygook ‘Alright Ham I’ll see you at-‘, ‘Ham can you call me back on 014-‘, ‘Ham you’re a twa-‘ I just never seem to get the whole message? I’d like to know what make and model it is and where he bought it! Those are the answers the public deserves.

I actually felt a tad sorry for Messieurs Brand and Ross; even though I find Russell Brand about as funny as syphilis and I reckon Jonathon Ross is 15 years past his sell by date. But hey! We all like different things and anybody that can negotiate 18 million over three years is far from stupid. Well done ‘Wossi boy’ for convincing the muppets at the beeb 500 thousand a month was a reasonable salary for endless knob gags and childish innuendo.

Of course the Beeb have just saved one and a half million by taking him off the air for three months and another two hundred grand when Brand belatedly noted the sharks circling and did the decent thing. As for Joe Publics indignation; nobody gives a stuff about Andrew Sachs or his grand daughter. Most people don’t even know who they are! Andrew Sachs? ‘Manuel from Fawlty Towers!’, ‘I thought he was deid?’, ‘Georgina who?’ They don’t have any empathy for these people! They just heard what the entertainers were getting paid ‘Two undred graaaand faack a duck’, ’18 million!’, ‘That’s a faaacking disgrace!’, ‘What did they do again?’

Now that the furore over ‘Wossgate’ has subsided it’s time for Aunty to kick herself in the other cheek with Strictly gone bonkers! Yes it’s the most important news item of the decade. Forget the credit crunch and the fact the pound is now worth less than a Zimbabwean dollar. Never mind that first black President of the largest democracy in the world is assembling the key personnel in his administration that could change the face of the world forever (whether we like it or not) Don’t fash yourself about that, oh no, let’s get ourselves all steamed up because somebody that cant dance is no longer going to dance anymore!

John Sergeant is an ex political journalist, witty raconteur, all round good guy and probably the most affable and enjoyable company you could wish for; can’t dance for toffee though. ‘Sounds like a top bloke’ I hear you cry. Yeah he is, that’s why the public are voting for him; because they like him. This is where the program creators didn’t really think it through. If you want a pure dance competition then surely you get proper dancers to enter? But it’s not a dance competition is it? It’s ‘entertainment’ and therefore people are going to vote for the person that entertains them the most.

They want to see the bloke that has three left feet, they like to see somebody that’s every bit as keech as they would be, they enjoy rubber necking the car crash that is Mr Sergeants Cha-Cha-Cha. Why? Because it’s enter-fecking-taining! It takes their mind off the fact the bailiffs are knocking down the front door to repossess the very TV they are watching it on. Feckless footwork and error filled timing provides a welcome distraction from the pain of the knee capping your local loan shark is currently administering for default on an interest payment.

Furthermore; if you are going to suck people into the program by giving them a say in the eventual outcome then you can’t blub and spit the dummy when things don’t go the way you planned; that’s democracy. In fact politicians are clambering to get on now. I even heard a suggestion on the radio to expand the principal from the current format and have Gordon Brown and David Cameron in a dance off for the next election? That’s plainly ridiculous! Gordon Brown only has one eye and his lack of depth perception would leave him at a distinct disadvantage.

Anyway I’d have made it an ‘Ultimate fight’ to the death instead, and then you’d find who really wanted to be involved in politics. Big Gordys missing eye would make him look like a bad b@stard! Spotted red Tie secured round his forehead he’d lumber into the cage ‘R.r.right ya Ff.f.fancy dan f.f.fop, geddit up ye!’ Camerons Quiff and tailored suit not quite so intimidating, although he’d probably ‘get a man in’ to do the work anyway ‘I say Jeeves give that Scottish oik a dam good thrashing will you’ Jeeves being a 20 stone black dude with no neck and fists the size of watermelons ‘I’ll be downstairs pumping the scullery boy’

But we needn’t worry. The Beeb have concluded their extensive and expensive investigation into Wossgate and reiterated that it was a "deplorable intrusion with no editorial justification" and no further action is to be taken. That was definitely worth the time and money not to mention the Culture, Media and Sport Committee hearing held at the House of Commons. As long as we’ve kept the nations curtain twitchers, Tory MP’s and very vocal moral minority happy that’s the main thing.

But just in case your blood pressure has returned to normal apparently there was a guy called Johnny Rotten who said some sweary words on the telly a few years back, lots of sweary words actually! I know you didn’t see or hear that either and it was on the now defunct Thames television but don’t let that stop you feeling righteously indignant and getting on your high horse anyway.

I’m sure by this time next week you will be getting your knickers in a twist about some other non-event which you feel compelled to comment on while the world continues to plummet into financial meltdown and you stick your fingers in your collective ears about that one and go ‘la la la la la it’s not happening’, ‘la la la la la’

And next on the dance floor is the Honourable bawbag for Hartlepool …..

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