Monday, June 30, 2003


Ham Shanks Secret Diary - Part 1

Ham Shanks Secret Diary W/C 24th June 2003

Packed up the hoose, handed over the keys and decided to have a last lardy scottish breakfast at the Allan café. Three quarter of an hour wait to be noticed by the waitress, (need another shave). Another 45 minutes before the “meal” arrives, my heart skips two or three beats then just shakes it head and gives up as the cholesterol starts to flow. Try to pay with Euro’s (Doh, nae there yet).

My driver pulls up the limo and we head for Falkirk (Shaz isnay well so she needs a hug) the limo goes faster than I remember, we pull up to the ferguson residence and I emerge from a pool of smoke (nice touch driver) repleat in my radioactive man pants! – Quick dash up the stairs three radioactive hugs (and a blether) later and were off. My limo driver continues to thrash the nuts off MY fecking car, and we arrive at Edinburgh in record time – in fact I check in the required time before departure (nae like me).

As a result I sit in departures listen to constant reminders to cretinous passangers that “they need to have their photographic ID’s and boarding cards, open at the photo page”. These are the same bright sparks that cannay get their heid round the concept of being called forward in numerical order (why is there never a Kalashnikof at hand when ye need one) obviously they packed their cerebrums in the hold luggage. Nearly bought the new Harry Potter but I can hardly carry all the shecht I have as it is

Shockarooney I checked my bags in and I tentativily thought as I lifted them in to the car (hmmmm bit more than 20kg, maybe aboot 30?) First bag is 19.1kg and the second is 20.1kg, so double my allowance, waiting for the request for another 80 notes to pay for my excess baggage and nae a word – woo hoo! – of course I sleep sound in my bed because they ask everyone if they packed the bag themselves and are they carrying any bombs etc, because of course your average nutter will own up “It’s a fair cop guvner!” hmmmmmmm.

Sitting patiently writing my diary, “Blonde” trolly dolly walks past and I notice some dark roots, I think of Ginge and start to blub.

I’m in Amsterdam and I’ve finally composed myself, another “blonde” walks past – I’m off again. I struggle to the nearest bar, sobbing gently and take solace in beer (ah sweet sweet beer) The good Dr is here to meet me (time for another beer) we lug the bags to the train stopping only twice for another beer. The train is on time (cmon were in Holland) we order another beer from the trolly service. We arrive in Utrecht and have to get a taxi as the bags are so heavy (and our bladders are so full) Sanne is at home to meet us and greets us with “you bast*rds been drinking then” Ahhhh it’s good to be back!

My first day at school – I’m dressed to the nines (well suit but nae tie – apparently it’s casual in the office) I arrive at 9 am and my new boss greets me wearing a pair of jeans and a hawian shirt (like radical dude!) I meet the rest of the team – Steven (another jock), Dan (the boss - One of our American cousins), Ashghar (Iranian) , Regis (Frenchman) and Shawn (Trinidadian) a mixed bunch indeed – I stand out like the bollocks on a bulldog because I’m NOT wearing jeans! – Spend the rest of the day reading docs and playing wiv the compootahh – Luckiy I got here so quickly, they were obviously deperate to get some testing done. I “work” an 8 hour day (shockarooney after Scotam 7hr days) Get the train hame and have a nice meal on the terrace on the Oudegracht (luvlee canal in centre of toon) Allan forces me to drink beer!

2nd Day at school and Dr Frame has gone in early so I have to find my way to the station myself – no problem ……… it’s just up …… eeer …. No doon here ……. Uuuum ……. Eer … oh look at those red windows (concentrate man!) I eventually find the station after visiting every other fecking part of Utrecht. I have my ticket, I have my sandwich unfortunately there is no train (I have cursed the dutch railways) I find out later it’s been diverted to a different platform unfortunately the announcement was in Dutch! – no probs I’ll get the next one (aaahh but ye see it gos from a different platform) I sprint …. Well jog …. Weeeeel walk briskly ….. ok …..ok so I dawdle to the next platform and miss the next train as well (A*se biscuits) I’m so distraught I eat my lunch and have a nice pastry as well.

Eventually get to work and spend the whole day reading the same docs I read yesterday – busy busy busy. I get home and Allans folks have arrived for the weekend so I have to sleep in the loft (saying that I never actually SAW allans folks and I have been up here 4 days now …….. and I need a dump!) Allan lets me out for a toilet break and I have to flush 4 times to prevent getting pushed off the toilet seat …….. ahhhh better oot than in as they say – As a reward for not soiling the loft my genial host grants me a weekend pass to visit Utrecht – Woo Hoo leeeeeeets shop!!!! (Oh by the way spent Friday at work reading the docs again hmmmmmmmm)

I desperately need a new gadget as it’s been sooooooo long since I bought one, I quite fancy a new phone as I have already simlocked the one Allan gave me by entering my UK pin number in three times (shame it wasn’t my own phone or it would have worked!) Anyway who cares it’s an excuse to look at shiny things – I buy a super groovey Motorola phone …. I cant wait to try it …… I get home and ….. and …….. and all the fecking instructions are in Dutch (Doh) I’m so distraught I have a beer!

Another night in the loft and I feel I need to get my own accomodation – Allan persuades me to go for a cyle round Utrecht and we can “have a look at some of the nicer parts”, we cycle for 5 minutes, phew it’s hot so we stop for a beer – Thirsty work flat hunting, we visit two or three places that you need a throat infection and a chunder to pronounce. We stop for another beer. I see a flat 100 yards from a pub and with wall to wall totty (nae the kind in the windows either) Hmmm Allan and I mull it over with another beer, by now Allan is maf*ckinbestpalnoooyoooareyeesyooare etc etc – We “cycle” back to the house to discuss the days events over another beer.

Tea, aaah we were supposed to get the tea, not a problem, we stumble to the local chinese and order a splendid take away, we have another beer while we wait (how civilised is this country) we bring back our bounty and all is forgiven, we celebrate with another beer. Sanne puts a nice film on the video (It’s Amilie, fond memories of Anne and drinking, sorry 'French' lessons) I watch the film avidly for point five of a second before nodding off. I wake up three hours later and my mouth is as dry as the gobi desert (conversly my shirt is wringing with saliva – classy) I have another beer and off to bed.

Tune in for next weeks exciting episode, Ham buys a bike (the cycling kind) and actually does some work at work – hud me back I cannay wait


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