Sunday, November 30, 2008



Hey hey hey kids

It's nearly December. Not long till Sunty is climbing doon yer lum tae steal mince pies and drink yer sherry!

Here's something to take yout mind off this impending breach of household security

Kindest Regards


Family Fortunes

Regular readers will know that I have a twin brother; an ‘evil’ twin obviously. I also have an older brother who’s not quite so evil, lets’ just say he’s ‘twisted’. From those two pieces of information you should have been able to work out that we have a mother; no it’s not rocket science is it. Anyhoo dutiful son that I am I recently persuaded my siblings that we needed to pop round to the ancestral home and carry out some odd jobs for mother dear. This I did out of the goodness of my heart, the three and a half hour phone call from my mum nipping ma heid about the leaky tap the previous evening was neither here nor there.

The ‘Twinnys’ were to rendezvous and meet no 1 son up at the hoose. Being a former boy scout I thought we best ‘be prepared’ so I had a look at the weather forecast ‘Oh marvellous!’ there was a severe weather warning for the North East of Scotland. The met office advised of a ‘60% chance of moderate to severe wintry weather affecting the region in the next 24hrs’ Travel was to be avoided if at all possible.

When I mentioned this to my twin he intimated that I was ‘a big jessy’ and ‘to dry my blubbering eyes’ he further suggested that having taken a day off work were I to bail out of this journey that he would fashion mum some ear rings from components of my nether regions; I told you he was evil. Aborting the mission was clearly not an option so instead I vowed to be prepared for every eventuality ……

It was 5:30am as I drew up outside my brothers’ house that dark Friday morning; a light dusting of snow covered the car like automotive dandruff. I crept my way to his front door ‘Bing Bong’ ….. ‘Bing Bong’ ….. ‘Bing Bong Bing Bong Bing- WAAAAH! Bong’ Lights flickered on and the sound of a crying child pierced the crisp morning air. I could hear footsteps then a key being frantically turned before the door was flung open to reveal my twinny looking less than amused as he shivered in his tartan boxers ‘Morning Bruv I-ooomppfffff!’

When I came round the crying had ceased and my brother was now fully clad and clutching a steaming mug of tea in his hand. His expression was not dissimilar to that of a man who’d just stepped on a turd with bare feet ‘You’re not really my brother are you? The fecking fairies must have left you on the doorstep’, ‘what do you mean?’ I replied sullenly ‘I have a 9 month old bairn you simple fud!’, ‘aye so?’, ‘You rang the fecking doorbell at 5 in the morning!’, ‘I wasn’t ringing for him!’ I replied tetchily whilst examining my rapidly blackening eye in the kitchen window ‘Oh, of course, well I’ll let him know it wasn’t for him WHENHESTOPSFUUUUCKINGCRYING!!!’ ‘Oh aye right; sorry’ I mumbled whilst mopping the spittle from my face.

Having placated his child (and wife) we headed out to the car ‘So what’s mum wanting us to do this weekend then-‘ my brothers voice trailed off when he saw the car ‘Ham’, ‘yes?’, ‘why?‘, ‘Why what?’, ‘Why’ he replied with the voice of one speaking to a simple child ‘do you have a sledge on the roof of the car?’, ‘well I can explain-‘, ‘and skis?’, ‘and what appear to be animal hides?’, ‘just being prepared’ I replied cheerily ‘uhuu’ he mumbled ‘shame your not prepared for reality’

Which may be true but he certainly wasn’t prepared for the wet nose on the back of his neck as he sat down in the passenger seat ‘Jeeeeusfuuuuuuuck!!’ he screamed ‘oh don’t worry; that’s just Moose’ I grinned as the Alaskan Husky slobbered in his ear ‘he’s the lead dog’, ‘lead?’ replied my brother as he turned to see a plethora of hairy faces in the back seat ‘Who would have thought fourteen dogs could fit in the car’ he mumbled weakly. ‘Aye it surprised me too’ I replied as we rumbled off, the snow chains digging deep welts into his tarmac driveway.

‘So you still haven’t told me; what exactly are we doing at Moothas again?’ enquired my brother as he wound down the window, his face screwing up in disgust ‘Aye sorry about that I don’t think the Aldis dog food agrees with them’ I replied bashfully as a wave of canine flatulence washed over us ‘Leaky tap was her main complaint’ I continued, winding my own window down ‘Anything else?’, ‘Oh just a couple of odd jobs; rewire the house build a conservatory that sort of thing’

We’d barely driven out of his estate when the first flake of snow hit the windscreen. My hands gripped the steering wheel tightly ‘Oh sh*t!’, ‘What?’ replied my brother, ‘Blizzard!’ I squealed hysterically. He peered out the window and scanned the clear morning sky ‘what the feck are ye talking about it’s three flakes of snaw at most ye baldy eedjit!’, ‘I told you we should have postponed this trip’ I wailed ‘We better break out the emergency rations’ my brother looked at me incredulously ‘have you been eating soap again?’, ‘We could be marooned here for months’ I sobbed ‘I could walk home in 5 minutes ye f@nny’, ‘get a grip!’ he retorted sharply; slapping me on the back of the head for extra effect.

The blow to the head suppressed my hysteria and I managed to regain some composure ‘right, aye sorry aboot that Bruv, am just a bit jumpy’, ‘tell you what; I’m going to grab some shut eye seeing as a complete cretin forced me out of my bed this morning’, ‘do you think you could manage to hold it together for half an hour without adult supervision?’, ‘aye fine, no bother bruv you can count on me’, ‘aye I can count on ye tae be a complete fud’ he muttered whilst propping his head against the window ‘don’t wake me up unless it’s an emergency ok?’, ‘right ye are bruv’ ……

That’s a difficult one, when someone says an emergency you have to be sure the situation merits that status. I mean to you and me a broken nail is not particularly serious; but to some lassy on a night out it can constitute a major crisis. However after a few minutes mulling things over our current predicament I gently nudged my brother ‘Eeer Twinny can ye wake up please?’, ‘whasat? Mnggfff’ he lifted his head up and peered through bleary red eyes ‘for gods sake Ham am tired’ ‘DON’T MOVE!’ I screamed as the car rocked gently from front to back ‘what’s going on?’, ‘I’ve had a little bit of an accident….’ I replied whilst gesturing outside with my eyes

My brothers’ face quickly formed a rictus of terror as the mountain top opposite swayed in and out of view. Husky’s were piled on top of each other beside us and whimpering as pallets of pemmican emergency rations slid dangerously backwards ‘What have you done Ham?’ enquired my brother through gritted teeth ‘Eeer I took a bit of a short cut Bruv’ I replied as we swayed on the rocky precipice ‘I’m going to fecking kill you!’ he whispered ‘better make it quick then’ I retorted as another crate of dog food started slipping towards the rear of the vehicle.

It’s at time like this you can regret only taking out third party insurance ….

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