Hamish McShanks

Ham Shanks Secret Diary w/e 2^nd March 2008

March already. Where has the year gone? This time last week it was February for goodness sake. Although I have to say I am enjoying the longer days and the glimpses of daylight before and after work. Nothing more depressing than getting up in the dark, going to work all day, and its dark when ye get home at night again.

Mind you if you actually think about it there are hundreds of things that are more depressing. The work bit in between springs instantly to mind. As does say opening your credit card statement to find out that the magic pixies haven’t miraculously paid off that whopping big bill you racked up over the festivities. Although relying on mythical creatures famed for stealing money is probably a foolhardy form of insurance when it comes to debt repayment.

But I digress. March is here; cue hares going mad. It’s thought that the male Hare goes a bit mental because the breeding season starts in March. All those frustrated amorous leporids jumping about because they think they are finally going to get their end away after long winter months nibbling tree bark. You cant blame them, not a lot else to think about when you’re a hare ‘Ok I’ve got some lovely tree bark for dinner so that’s nutrition taken care of’, ‘No sign of any predators trying to eviscerate me so I’m safe’, ‘OK! When I’m going to get laid?’ ……..

Do you think the lady hares are quite as excited turning over the calendar to reveal the third month of the year. Initial elation uncovering Chip & Dale as ‘Squirrels of the Month’ is quickly dispelled ‘Ooooh I could do that Dale’, ‘Och b*gger Mavis; it’s March already’, ‘Aw yer joking Agnes, that’s us knackered then’, ‘aye won’t be able to get the shopping done’, ‘we wont be able to get the kids to school’, ‘wont be able to do anything for those bloody men’, ‘thoughtless pricks!’, ‘In every way Mavis, in every way’ ….

You see people used to think that when they saw two Hares ‘boxing’ out in a field that this was basically two males sparring over the right to service the ladies. When in actual fact it turns out these sparring matches are often between male and female hares. The latest studies suggesting that ‘it is usually a female hitting a male, either to show that she is not yet quite ready to mate or as a test of his determination’

‘Want a bit?’, ‘Do ye? Do ye?’, ‘Getoutoffit ye filthybaaastart’, ‘Cmon am gagging for it’, ‘aye well yer no getting it’, ‘Aaw go on, I’ve got some lovely bark here’, ‘can a girl no walk across a field withoot being pestered!’, ‘it’s really nice bark?’, ‘I don’t want yer fecking bark’, ‘what about a sh*g thenooompppfffff!’ pan right to amateur naturalist talking to his friend ‘that’s the males fighting for supremacy’, ‘really? That ones just kicked the other one in the nuts?’

I guess that’s why Hartley the Hare had to resort to a career in TV. He always struck me as a little bit effeminate, can’t imagine he got much action. One slap from a lady hare and he’d have been picking his teeth out of the grass. In fact there were some unsubstantiated rumours that he was having an affair with Topov and that’s why the whole Pipkins series was axed in the early 80’s. (for those of you under 35 you’ve probably not a clue what I’m talking about. For those over that age – you should be able to handle the truth now)

Having destroyed the last vestiges of innocence of a good portion of my readers lets quickly change the subject and see what else March is famous for; The Ides of March springs to mind?

That did happen a very long time ago so not much chance of offending anybody that saw it first time round. Mind you if Caesar had been warned by some ‘Seer’ to beware of great peril on the 15^th March I think he’d have had him tossed in the clink and hung up by his goolies until he spilt the beans ‘so exactly what should I be aware of pal?’, ‘hmm?’ a quick tug on the rope to grab his attention ‘ooohyaaahfckr’, ‘not much of a seer are ye pal’ yank ‘didnay see this coming did ye’

It’s a little known fact but it was actually at that point he was killed. History may say it was ‘in the senate’, ‘by a bunch of lads in togas’, ‘with the dagger’ (hold on that’s Cluedo isn’t it?) Anyway I think you will find that if you open the wee black envelope it was ‘crushed to death’ by a falling, ‘knackerless seer’, ‘in the dungeons’. An all to tragic outcome from a catastrophic scr*tum failure. I mean it’s not designed to hold all your weight is it? Practically guaranteed to happen.

I think all the senators probably stumbled on Caesars still warm corpse and thought ‘Jeeeesus the media is going to have a field day with this’, ‘quick let’s get him upstairs and stab him’, ‘we cant do that we’ll be done for murder!’, ‘no no no we’ll just call it tyrannicide and say it was for every ones own good’, ‘that’ll never wash’, ‘oh yeah and they’ll believe this’, ‘c’mon go go GO!’ And the rest is history; or lies if you like.

Everybody believes the rubbish Willy Shakespeare wrote about it. Let’s get real people; that’s the fecking screenplay. That’s not what actually happened. Caesar didn’t mutter ‘Et tu Brute?’ as he collapsed under a flurry of dagger blows. He whispered ‘oh b*gger’ before being crushed under fifteen stones of disgruntled seer.

Mind you I think Willy had a thing for daggers. Were there not a few dagger lines in Macbeth as well? ‘Is this a dagger I see before me?’ springs to mind. Bloody daggers floating in the air definitely suggests a magic mushroom omelette for breakfast to me.

His publicist must have been driven spare ‘what’s with the daggers Will?’, ‘whaddya mean?’, ‘every fecking book has daggers in it’, ‘not every book’, ‘Julius Caesar, Macbeth, Hamlet, Romeo and Juliet?’, ‘Aaah now that last one was poison’, ‘Juliet stabs herself in the last scene!’, ‘only a little bit’, ‘she dies!’, ‘well it is a tragedy’, ‘Yes I’ve been meaning to mention that, can you try and do something different?’, ‘what do you mean different?’, ‘have you thought about poetry’, ‘fuuuuckoff that’s for Nancys’

‘Ok a comedy perhaps?’, ‘not my bag’, ‘I think you could make it work’, ‘I like tragedies’, ‘yes but the markets not really there just now’, ‘Othello was a bleeding classic’, ‘Yes I-‘, ‘Seventeen scenes in five acts; slick that’s what it was’, ‘The press didn’t agre-‘, ‘the press! B@stards to a man’, ‘look take a couple of weeks holiday and think about it’, ‘I’d love to but you still haven’t paid me for the last gig’, ‘ok you can use my holiday home’, ‘where is it?’, ‘Italy; just outside Venice’ ……..

Hey it could have happened like that! You don’t know it didn’t.

Doei

# posted by Ham Shanks @ 10:42 pm