Hamish McShanks

Ham Shanks Secret Diary w/e 23^rd March 2008

Easter; a time to reflect on the true meaning of life. After all this is the time that Jesus returned from the dead. Stumbling out from the cave shouting ‘oh very funny boys, first ye nail me to a cross, then ye trap me in a pothole’, ‘Yer a shower of b*stards that’s what ye are’, ‘Am off home to see my Dad, he’ll sort ye oot ye f*ckers!’

So an important date for the Christian faith but also an important time for hefty discounts at most DIY stores. Apparently it’s the busiest DIY weekend of the year. It would have been churlish to buck the trend…..

However I was going to be flying solo this weekend having burnt all my bridges with my elder brother. He was at a concert in Germany anyway, apparently Leo is still big in Deutschland ‘Ya ya Leo vee feel like dancing jawohl’ you can just imagine the scenes of straining lederhosen and tapping jackboots. Plus whatever the Germans were wearing of course.

I wasn’t concerned at his absence though, it was only a bit of sanding, how hard can that be? Well pretty hard without a sander so first thing to do was go shopping and save my 15% (we’ll gloss over the fact I’m spending 85%) It turns out there are a plethora of wood devouring machines to choose from. You can get orbital sanders, belt sanders, palm sanders, detail sanders, ½ sheet, ¹/₃ sheet and full sheet sanders.

It was at this point I was regretting alienating my bruv. Say what you like about his music tastes but he knows his DIY. I was so far out of my depth the bubbles hadn’t even reached the surface yet. ‘Okay Ham just take your time and read the boxes’ this didn’t help much as each one claimed to be all things to all men ‘suitable for small and large areas?’ I picked up another ‘the T742 orbital sander can tackle all situations’ another ‘Palm Sander for every DIY task’. Taking a deep breath I closed my eyes and resorted to fate ‘eeny meeny miney mo’

Returning home with my 8 megawatt twin turbo Belt sander I set about unpacking the crate and laying out the various components. The instruction manual came in four volumes. Two hours later I was on the last section ‘Okay so the sanding tracks attach to the rear drive sprocket and are fed over the forward return rollers?’ heaving a sanding belt over my shoulder I shimmied underneath the rear of the sander. Manual dexterity and I are not good friends. Only patience is a more distant relative. But without my bruv I was on my own ‘ggnnffmmm’, ‘gnnnfffAAAH!’, ‘Ha Ha!’

Clambering out from underneath the behemoth I raised my hands aloft ‘she lives!’, ‘mhuahahaha’, ‘MHUHAHAHAHA’ this insane cackling did little to impress my neighbour who was walking past the front window as I pranced round the living room with my shirt pulled over my head. But I’ve zero kudos with either set of neighbours after last years barbeque ‘incident’ ….

A quick check of the fluid levels and she was ready to go. I had to admit a diesel powered sander had seemed odd, but at least this way there would be no cable to restrict movement. Having a seat was also going to make life far more comfortable. Mounting the beast I made a quick lifesaver glance over each shoulder and bellowed ‘CLEAR!’ before punching the large red starter with my index finger.

The plan had been to skim a couple of millimetres off the top of all the floorboards to remove old paint and any surface imperfections, followed by a second sanding with a much finer paper to give a lovely smooth surface ready for varnishing.

Four seconds in and the plan was a bogey. I’d already sliced through the floorboards as if they weren’t there and was now burrowing through the bottom of the cellar ‘Ooooaaargggh f’cin hell’ hanging on for grim life my tracked mole dug ever deeper as I yanked at the stop lever in vain. It would seem the molten core of the Earth was my next destination. It would have been nice to see a mannequin in a window changing styles with the ages as I descended even deeper but instead I had to settle for eating an awful lot of mud.

As quickly as it had started there was a large bang and I shuddered to a stop. There was a feeling of openness that was at odds with my current predicament. Opening my eyes did not improve the situation any ‘Hello’, ‘gmmmfnn’, ‘Yes people tend not to be very chatty at first’, my eyes were popping out on stalks and my mouth hung slackly open ‘mmmbbmm’, ‘Welcome to Hell’ smiled Beelzebub as he helped me dismount.

‘But but but’, ‘Oh you don’t believe in God do you?’, ‘well no’, ‘ah well then you’re in the right place, thought we had another admin error there’ he smiled, nudging me in the ribs ‘but I don’t believe in you either!’, ‘Cant help you there I’m afraid; I do exist’, ‘so I’m dead then?’, ‘Fraid so; bummer eh’, ‘hold on a minute how did I die?’ Lucifer sighed and looked down at his clipboard ‘name?’, ‘Shanks, Ham Shanks’ he flicked over a few pages, his forehead wrinkling with puzzlement. He went to consult his desk calendar ‘that’s strange, you’re not due for another 40 years?’, ‘Woo Hoo!’

‘Ah now don’t get too excited, there’s not really an exit here’, ‘what!’, ‘well we don’t usually send people back’ he grinned ‘lets just say you got time on for bad behaviour’ My bottom lip was well and truly quivering, tears welled up in my eyes ‘So what horrors do you have in store for me’ I bubbled ‘what fiendish terrors am I to be subjected to for the rest of time you hideous ba*stard!’ ‘now now there’s no need to be rude’, ‘it’s not my fault your godless is it?’, ‘you had ample opportunity to pick one, God knows there’s hundreds of the feckers’, ‘b.b.bu.b.b. uhuuu huuu huuuu’, ‘think about me, I’m all on my own here and the place is filling up!’, ‘uhuuu huuu HUUUUU’

‘Anyway here’s your room, if you need anything at all don’t hesitate to call’ I perked up at this and sensing my hope he continued ‘nobody will answer obviously, but do try anyway, we like to laugh’ with a cheery smile he nudged me through an open door….

Eyes firmly closed and hands over my face I braced myself for the worst. The sound of a microphone being tapped broke the silence and I peered through my fingers. A forest of curly hair filled the room ‘Oh no, no no no’, ‘folks were here for eternity with one track only’, ‘ok guys let’s take it from the top .. 1..2..3.4 You make me feel like dancing, dancing the night away, oooh aaahh, baby baby dance the night away’, ‘uhuuu huuu huuu huuuuuuu’

And that’s what you think has happened when you apply three coats of varnish in a room that’s not properly ventilated …..