Hamish McShanks

Ham Shanks Secret Diary w/e 3^rd February 2008

Tell me dear reader; have you ever wondered whether programs like ‘Ready Steady Cook’ are actually genuine? I mean do you really think the chefs haven’t seen the contents of the bag before the contestant upends their mystery plastic holdall on to the work surface of the green pepper/red tomato kitchen and this week’s celeb chef regales us with a fantastic recipe before the spuds have even finished rolling?

I also have to take issue with the number of ‘store cupboard’ ingredients these culinary wizards have at their disposal. A dozen eggs, milk, cream, cheese, butter, breads and every herb and spice you could imagine constitute a weeks shopping in my book. Both these points might seem pernickety to you but given the fact we have only just seen the back of the leanest month of the year my cupboards are fecking bare. I can’t replicate any of these dishes! In fact I’d like to see what Nick Nairn could have done with my ‘goodybag’ and the normal store cupboard ingredients you could find in the average house at the end of January.

Cue Ready Steady Cook music and dancing Ainsley Harriott …..

‘So ladies & gentleman our first contestant is Ham Shanks from Stirling’, ‘So Ham what have you brought in for Nick today’, ‘Well this is a pretty normal days rations for January’ I reply as I tip up my goodybag on to the worktop …… a piece of tumbleweed blows across the stage as Ains and Nick stand slack jawed ‘As you can see I’ve got a handful of woodlouse that I found underneath the bath; just think of them as land prawns’, ‘I’ve also got four thin stemmed mushrooms I managed to find growing on some rotting wood in the garden’, ‘lastly I have some dust that I swept from the back of the cupboards’ after a lengthy pause Ainsley pipes up ‘any ideas Nick?’

Of course that would never happen because the floor manager would have inspected my bag long before I set foot on stage. So no doubt I would have tipped out a leg of lamb, a couple of lobster and a packet of baby asparagus! ‘All for three pounds twenty’, ‘oh we have shopped well’ squeals Ainsley ‘No pal; you’ve shopped well’, ‘I’ve been licking the fecking pattern off the wallpaper for the last three weeks’ I’d reply before quickly seasoning his leg and taking a big bite.

Sharp hunger pangs brought me rudely back from my reverie ‘Right c’mon Ham, only three days till payday, there must be something left to eat’ rummaging in the depths of the lower cupboards I managed to find a brillo pad and bar of ‘Pears’ soap ‘Oooh medicated, my favourite flavour’ Placing the brillo pad to the side for dessert I was about to bite into my aperitif when the cat flap burst open ‘what the fu-‘

The cat came bolting in and skidded across the wet floor; it had a mouse in its mouth. Our eyes met; there’s a lot of good eating on a mouse. Human and feline were weighing each other up. I smiled as the cat started to growl ‘Here puss puss’ I murmured gently, my left hand gently reaching back for a frying pan. Its eyes were still fixed firmly on mine, I tensed for the strike ‘Meeeeeiow’ it sensed my attack and shot out from under the descending orange blur and 4lb of cast iron Le Creuset smacked on the floor WHUMP! ‘come back ye wee sh*te!’ …… The chase was on

The foolish moggy had scuttled into the lounge, running after it I slammed the door shut behind me ‘Nowhere to hide now ma wee kitty’, ‘Ha ha mhuuaHAHAAAA!’ there were limited hiding places and it was only a matter of time before I caught my dinner. Creeping round the back of the lazy boy recliner I gently placed a foot on the side arm. Hefting the pan above my head I kicked oot ‘Aaaarggotchyayeweebas!’

But it was empty underneath apart from a piece of half chewed Wrigley’s Orbit gum, ‘Mmmm minty’ Buoyed by my sugar free fresh breath I turned to the only other refuge the cat could have found; the couch. It was too heavy to tip over without using both arms so I would have to use guile and brains ‘Okay Ham first we need to find out which side the wee sh*te is hiding at’ slipping off my shoes I crept stealthily up to the sofa and leant down ….

From the cats point of view life seemed a tad unfair. After half an hour of careful stalking it had managed to slay some poor hapless rodent for its dinner. It was so hungry it hadn’t even bothered torturing it before it took its life. Just as it was about to tuck in to this well earned repast a bigger cat took umbrage at this unauthorised invasion of it’s territory and attempted to scratch seven colours or cr*p out of it. Having successfully evaded evisceration and managed to scarper home with dinner intact it would appear the big baldy cat was now trying to scone it with a frying pan.

Sometimes enough is just enough ……

Breathing as quietly as I could I lowered my head to the floor so I could peer under the sofa, my eyes slowly adjusting to the light levels as I scanned for my quarry. Suddenly there was movement to my right! ‘Ahaa..AARGGHHH!!’ a whirling dervish of angry fur and claws shot out from under the sofa and clamped itself on to my face ‘Aaaaah AAARRGHH GERROFF! GEROFFYAFUUUCKER!’ Predator had turned into as the raging feline dug its claws firmly into the side of my head ‘GERROFFGERROFFGERROFF!!’ sharp teeth were sinking deep into my nose as streams of blood spattered onto the floor.

Flailing wildly about the floor I wrestled vainly with the enraged feline. I was losing big style; I didn’t have the speed or the strength to compete. This wasn’t going to be a points decision, the cat was going to win in a first round bloodbath. With one hand trying to pull the livid moggy off my face my free hand fumbled blindly about the floor. Miraculously I caught hold of the handle of the frying pan. Without hesitation or compunction I swung hard ‘CLUUUUUUNG!’

It was indeed fortunate I was already lying on the floor. It was only this that prevented me from further ‘falling’ injury as I knocked myself unconscious with 4lbs of continental cookware. The cat escaped unscathed.

‘5…4…3…2…1…Stop Cooking!’, ‘so Nick what have you managed to make for Ham?’, ‘well Ains we’ve done a Filet mignon of woodlouse with magic mushroom soufflé and florets of dust all smothered in a lovely cream, cheese, butter and herby bread sauce.

It’s like Bullseye isn’t it ‘Here’s what you could have won’ …….