Sunday, February 24, 2008
Anger Management
Ham Shanks secret diary w/e
As you may be aware I am currently injured and unable to exercise. A couple of disgruntled vertebrae have colluded to ensure I can’t get my daily endorphin fix; and like most addicts I have taken this well. My normally sanguine, placid and patient temperament has taken a turn for the worse. You know how it goes, little things that I would normally shrug off just GETONMYFUUUCKINGTITSOK! And I find it difficult to keep perspective when IWANTTORIPYOURFUUCKINGHEADOFF for asking me whether I’d like a cup of tea or not.
Helpful hint here; telling a very angry person to ‘calm down’ is akin to putting a fire out with paraffin whilst holding a lit distress flare between your teeth. It doesn’t help and you’re likely to become ‘collateral damage’ in the process. Best thing to do is let the ‘fire’ burn itself out. Let the ranting person pop a blood vessel and slump gently under their desk. Plenty of time thereafter to shake your head and remark on their idiocy as the paramedics charge the defibrillator and shout ‘clear’ for a third time
But you’re absolutely right; that’s not what should happen. The person that’s ranting should ‘get a fecking grip’ stop spreading misery and pull themselves together. Whilst technically this is correct and obviously you have the moral high ground; having not lost the napper. I would have to suggest that in the heated environment of a major rant this is being somewhat unrealistic. Moral high ground is a poor defence against a well aimed fist and feeling righteous is little consolation for ending up with a smile like Doug Rougvie.
They do say people who don’t bottle up their anger live longer. Perhaps this is because they kill everyone else first? Just a thought.
This got me thinking about other scenarios where the correct advice might prove less than useful in a ‘real’ situation. Let’s take the analogy of a bear attack. Lots of people like hiking in foreign lands and should really know what to do if the encounter these animals. The advice states that the first thing you should do is ‘remain calm’ Ok let’s think about this, you’ve just stumbled across an extremely large, extremely powerful and now exceptionally angry carnivore. Yes calmness would be my first reaction I’m sure; after evacuating the contents of my bowels into my hiking trousers obviously.
Now you have to ‘back away slowly – never run! Bears can run as fast as a racehorse both uphill and downhill’ Nice to know, and I’m looking forward to the Yogi Bear 2000
However assuming I’ve managed to follow points one and two. Which in all likelihood I might actually manage as I’d be frozen with terror anyway. We are now advised that if an attack is still imminent to ‘roll up in a ball protecting the face and back of the head with your arms; and play dead’ So not quite presenting myself with an apple stuffed in my mouth but certainly a couple of limbs as a nice ‘starter’ for Boo Boo.
But it gets even better, they have further advice to remember whilst you are being eaten alive ‘Remain still until the bear leaves the area. These attacks seldom last more than a few minutes’ Oh well that’s fine then. After all how much damage can a half ton predator armed with razor sharp claws do in a few minutes?
I mean I’ve got my epidermis to protect me. It’s got to be at least 20 cells thick and waterproof. Can’t say I recall the term ‘bear resistant’ anywhere when I was studying physiology at Uni but it definitely serves as a protective barrier preventing internal tissues from exposure to trauma, ultraviolet radiation, temperature extremes, toxins, and bacteria. Other important functions include sensory perception, immunologic surveillance, thermoregulation, and control of fluid loss. Nothing about carnivore repellence unfortunately?
However I needn’t worry because ‘If the attack continues for more than several minutes, consider fighting back’ Yes well, I shall definitely consider that. I’d probably have to get a meeting organised though. Make sure that my head and the rest of my body could be briefly reunited while we discuss how best to repel the marauding beast. If only I’d purchased a ‘bear attack survival kit’ I’d have been fine.
Don’t laugh. There is such a thing.
Foolishly I’d presumed this would consist of a 45 revolver and a sh*tload of ammunition. But no, what you get is a little less lethal; some may say effective. The patented bear attack survival kit contains six ‘bear bangers’ which are not condoms as I first thought. They are bangers as in firework – Scare the nasty ole bear away. You also get six flares. Presumably one for each remaining identifiable body part and really as an aid for the recovery team. A large can of bear ‘repellent’ which turns out to be chilli spray. So nae luck if yer bear likes spicy food – you’re effectively seasoning yourself. The last item is described as a ‘screamer/whistle’ somehow I’d imagine there would be ample screaming already?
Now you see what the real advice should have been for the real situation was; Stay the f*ck out of the woods there are bears in there for Christ sake! They are fecking enormous and will gut you like a clam without compunction. STAY at home, watch TV and live to a ripe old age. Or ‘Shoot it and eat it first’
Oh and the last piece of advice ‘Afterwards, leave the area or take a detour. If this is impossible, wait until the bear moves away. Always leave the bear an escape route’ Hmm technically you do leave the area; albeit in the stomach of a satiated bear. Best not to think of the resulting escape route….
It’s amazing the things you learn when you’re home on ‘sick leave’ for head butting your PC. Although I do think it’s a bit harsh to be formally disciplined when I definitely came off worse in the altercation. YTREWQ will be tattooed on my forehead for ever more. A lasting reminder of that moment of folly and a testament to the resilience of Dell computers.
Au revoir mes ami
(thought I might as well learn a language in my time off)
