Hamish McShanks

Hello Folks

Apologies once again for the dreadful service, it's quite odd having a 'real' excuse for a change!

The Back is better but I'm not as yet 'healed'

However you know me and 'Stoic' is my middle name, so I have managed to pen a few words through the agony (laying it on too thick yet?) It's taken a while but it was worth it just to think of the smiles on all your faces (taken it too far havent I)

Ahem

Anyway it's all yer getting till am able to walk aboot without looking like ah've jist filled ma punders wi a big jobby and I'm trying to gingerly get to the toilet afore it runs oot the bottom of ma troosers

So on that happy note - Merry Chrimbo and a Happy New Year folks, hope 2008 is a fab year fer ye all

Cheers

Ham

To A Spine.

It’s right behind ye, tucked oot of sight,

It huds ye up, it gives ye height,

It lets ye bend and touch yer toes,

It lets ye flex tae raise yer nose.

It gies a place tae rest yer skull,

Tae fix yer ribs and clavicles,

In fact it hosts near aw yer bones,

this central towering knobbly home.

Dinnay forget yer muscles noo,

they need somewhere tae hud on too,

ligaments need tae bind the pair,

without a spine they’ve just thin air.

Yer poor auld back, it toils so hard,

A dreary job with scant reward,

Nae a ‘glamorous’ body part,

With top place billing like the heart.

Ye cannay ‘lose’ it to another,

It wont profess to be a lover,

It disnay drum a steady beat ,

But by God it keeps ye on yer feet.

It keeps ye straight, protects yer nerves,

Fer far less praise than it deserves,

A place to hang that heavy pack,

The unsung hero is yer back.

So why the homage to the spine?

I’ll tell ye why in double time,

Ma back is gubbed! It’s goosed! It’s knacked!

And noo am scunnered, lying flat.

Ma toes are noo but distant friends,

Ah doot ah’ll no see them again,

My socks hing limply in ma hands,

Useless woolen stripy bands.

Bendings but a tearful fancy,

Fer this greeting faced, baldy Nancy,

Laid oot rigid on his bed,

Oor bubbling bairn wishes he wis dead

He called the Surgery to plead his case,

They took his call with little grace,

But surely he could struggle through?

They didn’t seem to have a clue

‘Ah cant stand up, ah’ve shat myself’

‘Does that sound like I’m in rude health?

With wounded pride she did conceed

That maybe I really was in need.

The Doc came oot and had a look,

A poke, a prod; then stood aloof,

‘I’d take it easy for the next few days’

He spouted forth with listless gaze

‘Oh really Doc’ I replied with scorn,

‘I’d planned to run a race the morn’

‘How long did it take tae ye tae learn aw that?

Ah micht as well have asked the cat!

Yer supposed to try and diagnose,

A reason for my anguished pose,

Perhaps a pill to ease the pain?

To save you coming back again?

His face grew red with bluff and bluster,

But puff was all the boy could muster,

Go on, F*CK OFF! ye useless quack,

Yer smeg all use for my sair back.

So please dear friends, heed my advice,

As I lie here prone, applying ice,

Treat yer back like treasured gold,

Ye’ll need it till yer very old

Dinnay slouch and slump in chairs,

Forgoe the lift and take those stairs,

Keep that spine moving freely,

Don’t be like me; tired and weary

This tower of strange shaped vertebrae,

Designed to hold yer shape all day,

In truth they are yer ‘real’ best friend,

Ye need them all tae twist and bend

So to prevent repeats of this sad farce,

And let ye kick the Doctors @rse!

To pull yer socks upon yer toes,

to say goodbye to bending woes

Revere the back and worship gaily,

Do your stretching three times daily,

Cod liver oil will reduce your woes

and help you reach those distant toes

ps Remember a backs not just for Christmas ….