Hamish McShanks

Ham Shanks Secret Diary w/e 1^st July 2007

‘Ggnnfmmpff … gnnfmmpf.f.f.f…. aaah ye fecker!’ exhausted I slumped down into an armchair, sweat pouring off my brow ‘a deep breath Ham, that’s all ye need, c’mon you can do it’ sucking in a few lungfuls of air I waddled back to my feet and made sure I had a firm grip before my second attempt ‘Huuuuu …’ my face turned a fetching purple hue as I struggled in vain ‘ggnnfmmmp’ it was now turning more of an ugly blue as my brain pleaded for some oxygen and my lungs started to convulse in protest ‘… mmmmpfff aAAAAHHFERFUUUCSAKE!’

Collapsing back onto the armchair I kicked the faded jeans off my legs ‘comfort fit my arse’ I mumbled as the red colour ebbed from my cheeks and cool sweet oxygen filled my aching lungs. This was the third pair of jeans I had attempted to get into, sadly I wasn’t in a Versace fashion outlet where all the garments are designed for anorexic stick insects; I was at home. My initial surmise that elves were hiding inside my washing machine and secretly shrinking all my clothes proved to be slightly wide of the mark. A thorough search of the appliance revealed an absence of any magical creatures, given that damming evidence I had to concede that perhaps I ‘may’ have gained a few pounds in weight.

There was nothing for it; I was going to have to go on a weight loss ‘diet’ (cue sinister music and anguished look to camera) Notice that I didn’t say I was going to go ‘on a diet’ because the word diet merely refers to the nutritional intake of an animal. For instance you might say a lion has a diet of Zebra, Antelope, Wildebeest and any other poor herbivore it can sink its teeth into. I’m already on a fecking diet; it just happens to be a diet of meat pies, crisps and chocolate.

I’m also not one for following fads and let’s be honest it’ll take more than a slimfast milkshake or a couple of bowls of Special K to counteract 4lbs of potted meat fat. Losing weight is not rocket science, it’s actually very simple. If you are taking in more calories in than your body needs it will store them, and sadly it aint going to store them as a rippling six pack. So either a) eat less or b) exercise more or c) a combination of the two.

You also don’t need to go raking about the cludge to have a look at your stool sample. All that will tell you is that shit stinks; I know this without having to check my own. Although perhaps that explains why ‘Dr’ (ha ha that’ll be right) Gillian McKeith always has a face like she’s licking piss off a nettle? She’s forever raking about other peoples jobbies. Gie it a rest luv and find a proper hobby.

Now don’t get the wrong idea, I’m not saying it’s easy to lose weight, all I’m saying is that the principles aren’t exactly complicated. Pretty much everyone knows what foods are healthy and which ones are going to turn you into a lardass. However in defence of fatties like myself there are a number of foods that can catch people out with sneaky ‘hidden’ calories. These ‘SAS’ calories remain totally concealed during consumption. There’s no obvious hint of danger as you eat, no thrilling chocolaty sugar high, no finger licking greasy fingered satisfaction; nothing to suggest what you’re eating is actually bad for you. The b@stards

I’m talking about things like the humble fruit scone, you might not necessarily peg a fruit scone as the devils doughnut; but it is. Don’t be mislead by the word fruit, the scone is not your friend, do not trust it. We are not even talking about butter and jam covered scones; we are talking about a naked scone. There’s no way of breaking this to you gently but the scone is in fact a Trojan horse! (Da da da da daaaaa!) It contains hundreds of hidden calories.

As soon as that relatively tasteless mouthful hits the stomach those sneaky calories spring into action. Their floury camouflage broken down by caustic stomach acids to reveal the hardy components hidden inside. Within a few seconds they are lined up in front of the Regimental Sergeant Major; a bristling phospholipid ‘ok lads up and at em!’, ‘right my lovely bunch of triglycerides, you knows whats you gots to do don’t you?’, ‘sah yes saah’, ‘B Platoon! Get yourself up to the chin and start doubling up’, ‘yes sir!’, ‘D company I want to see love handles and I want to see them fast! Hup hup hup!’, ‘A Company is there any reason why you’re still hanging around here? Move it you orrible little lipids!’, ‘If I don’t see’s you inside some adipose tissue in five seconds flat I will personally stick my boot right up your backside MOOOOVE IT!!!! Hup two three four hup two three four!!!!’

It’s not just scones though; oh no. Ye cannay even have a drink in safety there’s hunners of sneaky calories in beer as well. So the next time you sit down, crack open a tinny and rest it on your belly spare a thought for your calorific intake. And what’s got more calories do you think, a pint of Guinness or a pint of Stella? You’ll be surprised to know that the Guinness only has 170 calories a pint whereas the wifebeater has over 220. So bang goes the myth that lager is better for ye than brown beer. It’s a fecking nightmare. Once you start hunting down these sneaky calories you realise they are everywhere. They are like Zulus ‘there’s fousands of em’

By now you are probably getting quite exasperated ‘so I cant have scones and I cant have a pint’, ‘fair enough Ham, I hear what your saying’, ‘I’ll just have some healthy seeds and dried fruit instead’, ‘WHAT!’ now I would be forced to knock the packet of seeds out of your hand and slap you round the face ‘are you stupid’ I would shout whilst giving you another slap ‘don’t you know what your eating?’ slap slap’ ‘Seeds’ slap ‘are packed’ slap ‘with fats!’ slap slap SLAP! By this point you would be unconscious and unable to benefit from my second lecture on the high sugar content of dried fruit and the merits of choosing foods with a low glycemic index instead.

So much for not getting into fads.

After examining the contents of my shopping trolley more closely I have decided that a little knowledge is indeed a dangerous thing. I have decided I’m not going to get caught up in calories, carbohydrates, glycemic indices or pro-fecking-biotics. All that’s required is a little common sense. Moderation in everything and if it has the words ‘double cream’ or ‘full fat’ on the label then it’s probably best left on the shelf. I therefore go back to my earlier premise with one addition. If you are worried about your weight either a) eat less b) exercise more c) a combination of the two or d) buy bigger jeans

Doei