Hamish McShanks

Ham Shanks secret diary w/e 29^th July 2007

I’ve received a lot of feedback after last weeks ramblings, mainly death threats from the evangelical brigade it has to be said, but also concerns from other quarters that I was going to reveal the plot of the last Harry Potter book. Gies a break! Some things in life are sacred after all. The conclusion of such a fine piece of literary work is not to be trifled with and I would never reveal the ending because that would be exceptionally cruel and petty. So despite the fact I have finished the book, I’m keeping shtum. Read it though – it’s bloody great!

Amongst the e-mails threatening me with living evisceration and flaming hot pokers up my jacksee were some slightly less violently expressed concerns. Apparently it was the three wise men that followed a celestial object to baby J’s cot. Not ‘Ma and Pa’ Nazareth looking for a B&B after all. As this correction was passed on without the threat of an accompanying painful and lingering death I feel it only fair to put my hand up and say ‘I’m sorry; I was wrong’

I also think that perhaps I need to explain why I have these chips on both shoulders about religion. I don’t hate religious people - gracious no! Some of my best friends are Christians! (is that tumbleweed I see blowing in front of me?) Don’t you just love it when a phrase like that is used? Usually by a heavily perspiring individual who made an offhand comment to a regional news reporter and is now being interrogated on national television by Jeremy Paxman ‘I’m not a *^{insert description of discrimination}’, ‘Some of my best friends are *^{insert description of the discriminated}’ they plead indignantly as Paxman melts them with his withering glare.

‘Some of my best friends’ is never a winning phrase because it makes you sound like those friends you covet so much are pets or possessions. So you’ll either look like a seedy white slave trader who inhabits the murky world of human trafficking or a thick necked member of the landed gentry. Ironically enough neither of these individuals would ever use the ‘some of my friends’ phrase because they couldn’t give a flying f*ck what anybody else thinks. It’s only the middle class, stuck betwixt and between, that mumble and mutters red faced apologies and justifications.

So I’m going to break the middle class mould and say ‘Some of my best friends are religious but I don’t give a f*ck; I don’t like religion’ And now I shall tell you why.

I haven’t even read the bible! Daaah dum dum dum duuuuum (that was sinister music by the way) I have to confess I skipped straight to the end to see who did it ‘Judas?’, ‘didn’t see that one coming’ I mumbled before tossing it into my bag. I’d possibly have been slightly more interested in reading it, or even receptive to the underlying message, if we hadn’t been forced to accept a copy in our first year at secondary school. Yes that’s right forced; against our will! Daaaah dum dum dummm duuuuum! (that was the music again – keep up)

They were divvyed out at assembly by the headmaster, who I can only guess was a birrova god squander or under the Imperius curse. Anyway we were each handed a small bright red copy of the Bible courtesy of The Gideons; and then warned that if we could not produce this gift on any subsequent request by a teacher we would be belted. Very fair policy for a state comprehensive I think you’ll agree.

There were quite a number of rosy red hands to match the cover when a few heretics attempted to refuse their copy on that happy day. Likewise the following week when we were all asked to produce our copies again. For those unfortunates unable to produce the word of God© a prolonged cavity search by the bible Gestapo and then six of the best was the order of the day. It occurred to me even at that young age that there seemed to be very little carrot but a sh*t load of stick involved in the religion business.

I managed to avoid these obvious punishments by keeping my copy close to me at all times; after all you never knew when you might need a sheet of toilet paper or a hanky. I’d also recommend the pages for emergency rollups. No gum sadly but you could generally hold the thing together long enough for that sweet hit of nicotine before your fingers got burnt. Thankfully the Gideon Dementors wernay very bright, as long as they saw that bright red cover in your trembling hand you were ok. They never seemed to notice the ever thinning nature of mine. Perhaps they thought I was wearing out the pages because I was reading it so much?

I did however quite enjoy religious education. Another compulsory class that we all had to attend in school. At least in this one they weren’t peddling one particular flavour of worship. Instead they gave you a selection box of beliefs and you were invited to discuss. The dementors didn’t like it though; they would prowl around the corridor outside, flashes of red clutched in their grey bony hands.

The thing about R.E. was it just made me even more sceptical ‘So hold on, what your saying is the Protestants and the Catholics believe in the same god?’, ‘yes’, ‘and they both believe in Jesus?’, ‘yes’, ‘and they both follow the teachings in the bible’, ‘yes’, but they have been knocking lumps out of each other for hundreds and hundreds of years haven’t they?’, ‘yes’ …… ‘but that’s just fucking mental?’

So from religious education. I learnt two important lessons; 1. Religion is much more complicated than it looks at first glance and 2. Swearing in class gets you six of the best and an awful lot of detention even if the teacher is a smelly corduroy clad hippy. Another happy religious based school memory to taint me for later life and turn me into the twisted bitter man you see before you now.

So to all those holy people out there I may have offended; my mum always told me not to lie so I have to say I’m not really sorry. It’s called freedom of speech and just as you are entitled to your opinion which you have expressed in the best selling book of all time (does it count if The Gideons are the ones who bought them all?) I am entitled to express my opinions in this tiny critique. Let’s just agree to disagree and stop all the arguing and death threats.

However I shall refrain from having (too many) future digs as I have now divulged the reasons for my heresy; and let’s face it if you’re right I’ll burn in hell anyway which would definitely give you the last laugh

Doei