Hamish McShanks

Ham Shanks Secret Diary w/e 13^th May 2007

It’s over. The waiting, the pain, and the uncertainty have finally come to an end. Ladies and gentlemen; we have a new Song for Europe! I’ve no idea what the smeg the song is actually about as it was performed in Serbian. At least I think it was? Couldn’t make any sense of it anyway. Although the Irish entry was apparently performed in English; But I didn’t understand a word of that either? However I don’t think that effected eithers overall position. I thought it was a tad harsh when Ireland picked up the wooden spoon, but it was nice to think that the Brits weren’t totally alone on Saturday night. What I mean is presumably everyone in Ireland was hiding behind the sofa cringing when the song that was supposed to represent and symbolize their fine nation was performed; Just as we were when Scooch came on.

Ireland had has so much going for it. It’s a fantastic place to visit and has some of the friendliest and funniest people you could meet. It also has some of the very best music in the world. Stiff Little Fingers, Thin Lizzy, The Undertones, The Pogues, U2 for fecks sake. However, lets not beat about the bush, ‘They can’t stop the spring’ was a fucking dreadful, dreadful, song that mercifully wont live long in the memory.

Personally I didn’t think it was anything like as appalling as our own entry; ‘Flying the Flag (for you)’ which sadly is catchy enough to stick in your brain and torment you for the rest of the day; It’s the auditory equivalent of athletes foot. Incidentally proponents of ‘urine therapy’ claim that athletes’ foot can be cured by urinating on your affected tootsies. I would like to suggest this strategy should anyone stumble across Scoochs’ Euro single. It’s got to be worth a try?

I do feel somewhat unpatriotic in having a pop at our entry but forty countries can’t be wrong. We have to face up to the truth; it was monumentally woeful. I couldn’t quite fathom the need for the line ‘would you like something to suck on for landing sir?’ Perhaps they were aiming for the pink vote? Mind you at least the performers could actually sing this year which was a step up from Jemini.

In the event nineteen points was a fecking miracle, clearly we paid the Maltese government a hefty wad to sabotage their phone lines and direct all votes to the UK number; twelve points! You’re having a giraffe. And the Irish gave us seven points out of pity! Gawrd bless em. Shame we didn’t follow the rest of the block voting trends and reciprocate the favour. I think ‘nul point’ would have been a credible finish for Scooch and a morale victory for music in general.

Having said that I’m sure that a number of the countries would not have been overly impressed with the individuals purporting to represent their nations for a variety of reasons. For instance if I said ‘France’ to you I’m fairly sure you’d probably think of fine wines, world class cuisine, cheeses, onions perhaps, berets, beautiful girls of loose moral fibre …. Eeer now hold on …. Sorry that might just be wishful thinking on my part. Anyway you’re unlikely to think ‘Hmmm France, now they are the country that wears dead cats aren’t they?’

If you were lucky enough to miss Eurovision this year then you’re probably wondering if I have lost my mind; so perhaps I should explain. The French entrants wore a selection of ‘designer garments’ and there was one outfit which particularly caught my eye. It was being sported by a manic baldy guy running around the stage like he’d just snorted a couple of lines of coke. He was togged up in black strides and a pink jacket with a black cat draped across the shoulder. Yes that’s right a cat; as in moggy, as in Felis catus, as in small carnivorous mammal usually found torturing mice, purring loudly or shitting in your flower beds.

I sincerely hope it was a prop and not the real thing. Although having said that the costumes were designed by Jean Paul Gaultier who is the ‘bad boy’ of French fashion. So who knows; it probably was a real moggy under heavy sedation. That’s the kind of keech he would pull. I used to think that the phrase ‘bad boy’ was a reference to JPG’s desire to cause shock and promote thought by being so unconventional in his fashion collections. His desire to push the boundaries and really make people think about what they wear. But I’ve decided it’s just a euphemism for ‘shite’

Now before all you Trinnys’ and Susannahs’ out there start having a pop, I realise I am not the most fashionable man on the planet; Rugby shirts and a pair of Jeans tend not to be seen much on the catwalks of Paris or Milan, other than when worn by cleaning staff or manual labourers shifting props. And yes I didn’t study for a fashion degree at a poncy University so perhaps I’m not in an overly strong position to criticise. However. A dead cat is a dead fecking cat. Can somebody just tell me why? Hmmm? C’mon Trinny pipe up and justify that ya skinny gobshite!

My main problem with fashion is not peoples desire to look their best; that’s perfectly understandable. Just because I dress like a badly stuffed scarecrow myself doesn’t mean I have an aversion to other people making the effort. What gets my dander up is ‘label chasing’ for eedjits like Jean Paul Gaultier. The exact same garment without some designers label on it would be tossed in the bucket with derisory laughter ‘That? I’m not wearing that!’ Shove some overpaid bawbags name on it or spell a word like you’re dyslexic and people are clambering over each other to snap the stuff up. What the fcuk is that all about?

I do apologise, I seem to have digressed from my Eurovision theme somewhat in that last fashion rant. I think what we have to recognise in the UK is that it doesn’t matter what song we put in, or who plays it for us. Up until now I’ve been very harsh on Scooch and Jemini, and shite though they undoubtedly were, even if we entered the Kaiser Chiefs, The Arctic Monkeys or any other chart topping UK band we still wouldn’t win. And that’s because as a nation the UK is ‘Billy nae mates’.

The Eurovision song contest is all about voting for yer pals, and we don’t have any. At least not in Europe, and it’s debatable if we have others anywhere else either. Once we inserted our tongues up the backside of America and stood shoulder to shoulder with the retarded chimp we alienated ourselves from our traditional European allies and now they are paying us back in spades. So basically I think instead of having a pop at Scooch we should blame Tony Blair & George Bush for the UK not winning the 2007 Eurovision song contest.

There I’ve said it and if- ‘knock knock’ …. ‘Hello?’, ‘CI who?’, ‘Patriot what?’, ‘Look all I said wa-ooompppfff!’, ‘ooaaargghh Free The Shanks One!’ ……

Doei

# posted by Ham Shanks @ 11:34 pm