Monday, April 09, 2007
Ham Shanks Secret Diary - Part 123
Ham Shanks Secret Diary w/e
Apparently 68% of teenagers don’t know the real meaning of Easter; yes I know its shocking isn’t it. How could anybody be so stupid? I mean for goodness sake, teenagers don’t know the real meaning of anything! Why would you even bother asking them? I think a more meaningful statistic would be; 98% of pollsters were having a birrova slack week and couldn’t think of anything useful to ask.
I’d imagine the scenario went something like this. A young man is seated at his desk carefully constructing a scale model of Everest using nothing but paperclips, post-it notes and bogeys, when much to his surprise, the boss returns early from his ‘working lunch’. Tanked up on free
Finished motivating his staff with some brutally honest and alcohol ridden dialogue Britain’s cream of middle management makes a beeline for the executive washroom so he can do some serious thinking outside the box. Perhaps blue-sky some ideas to add core value. Really push the envelope and pick off any low hanging fruit. Or as the rest of us would say ‘have a sh*te’
After Mr Brent departs, the quavering young man hears a muffled voice behind him ‘Hey I’ve just had a thought; its Easter this weekend isn’t it?’ still shell shocked the man glances over his shoulder at the talking cupboard and murmurs ‘Eeer I dunno? It’s a different weekend every year isn’t it?’, ‘Christ knows’ replies the cupboard ‘let’s ask some kids’ before it continues ‘are you going to count to a hundred again?’, ‘why?’, ‘it’s only fair! You know where I’m hiding now’
You know what would have been worse than 68% of youth knowing nothing about Easter? Just one of them being completely up to speed. Can you imagine getting the answer; ‘Yes well Easter is of course ostensibly about the resurrection of our lord and saviour three days after his crucifixion by the Romans’, ‘interestingly enough in Western Christianity Easter marks the end of forty days of lent whereas in Eastern Christianity preparations begin with Great Lent, following the fifth Sunday of Great Lent is palm week and ….’
Help ma bob that would be faaaaar more frightening. If it was me asking the questions I’d feel compelled to break my pollsters oath and intervene for the greater good ‘Woah woah woah son, hold yer horses’, ‘wait here’ then I’d sprint to the local Spar and purchase a six pack of Stella and a copy of Razzle readers wives. Suitably tooled up I would send the young man straight home ‘Right son, get yersel home, lock yourself in your bedroom, tan those beers and then study that magazine closely’, ‘don’t even think about coming out of yer room till yer nearly blind’, ‘and if yer still interested in religion after all that then I’ll ask ye another question about Easter’
Controversial you may say but I’m only warming up. I don’t think you should be taught anything about religion until you’re at least twenty one. That’s the last big age of consent after all. Choosing your deity is a big decision and should not be taken lightly or at a young age where you might make a rash decision and join David Icke for instance. If, aged 21, you think that an omnipotent presence governs your daily life then at least you should be able to pick the ‘worship plan’ that suits you best.
Oh c’mon don’t tut tut at me like that. All the religions say pretty much the same thing! It’s like getting a new credit card, they all provide the same basic service but you still shop around for the deal that suits you; be it standard interest rate, balance transfers, cash advance. And you also need to pick the one whose image best reflects your own personality. Respectable, old school Morgan &
I don’t see much of a difference when shopping for your mortal soul? I sense you’re shaking your head and walking away, however I shall continue. Christianity is the biggest player at the moment but do you want hard nosed Presbyterian, happy clappy C of E or maybe a smidgen of Catholicism? Judaism perhaps? Islam is also very popular just now; in fact it’s rapidly coming up on the rails. Hinduism and Buddhism aren’t far behind either. But it’s far more than a four horse race. There are hundreds of runners and riders.
So I think they should do it like these graduate ‘milk round’ fairs you see at Universities. Get all the big players gathered together in a large conference area. All jostling for your business on a level playing field. After all a mortal soul isn’t just for Christmas …. Eeer will it might be if that’s the horse you plump for. Anyway I think freedom of choice is important and it would be beneficial to compare and contrast. Might need some careful organisation to keep the aggro to a minimum right enough. There’s a little ‘history’ between some of the players; I don’t need to mention names, you know who you are.
They would all have their own stands with freebies and snacks to entice you in. The Jewish are renowned for a mean chicken soup. Islam frowns upon bacon butties however they do great fish dishes. Hindus on the other hand don’t eat meat at all and do rather a lot of fasting; a bowl of fruit and a glass of milk are unlikely to attract fat boys like myself. However it would be churlish to pass by simply on the basis of available nibbles. After all it’s not your eternal stomach you’re shopping for.
A good idea would be a ‘Manifesto’ for each religion, plainly laid out. What they stand for and what they can do for me in my currently godless state. What their Deity’s position is on the important issues of the day. What day of the week is their holy day? Very important that, I’m busy most Saturdays so Sunday is probably better for me. Glossy pamphlets with pictures of Nirvana, heaven, or whatever the relevant body wants to call it would also be very helpful. Not ‘drawings’ either, we want pictures and proper testimonials. After all your going to spend a long long time there so you want to know it actually exists and is going to be to your liking.
I was also thinking of some kind of overseeing authority to make sure that the relevant standards are being met. Perhaps an ombudsman to take your complaints to in the unlikely event that your deity goes out of business before you get a chance to meet him (or her) …… but that would just be silly ………
Happy *insert name of your preferred religions next important festival here
Doei
