Hamish McShanks

Ham Shanks Secret Diary w/e 18^th March 2007

‘And the winner’ ……. put the kettle on, you know these things go on and on and on …….. ‘the act that will be representing Britain’ …… might as well rustle up a Victoria sponge or some chocolate brownies, trust me you’ve plenty time ….. ‘at this years Eurovision’ …. I’ve been glossing the kitchen door, the second coat is nearly touch dry now …… ‘is’ ….. it was quite enjoyable watching it dry …. ‘Going to be’ ……. Certainly more enjoyable than watching some of the entries.

I understand why they announce these things in an exceptionally irritating staccato manner; they are making efforts to stoke up the tension. All I would say is; if it’s actually exciting and if it’s truly entertaining and if it does in fact have us on the edge of our seats then we don’t need to hear you announce the results as if you’ve just had a stroke. Although I think Sir Terry was party to a minor seizure when he realised he’d just gleefully announced the wrong name ….. CINDY! Its times like that you understand why they normally provide a golden envelope.

Terry displayed a vacant look as his brain tried to catch up with the urgent messages being passed to it by his ears; co-host Fearne Cotton had announced a different name. She was frantically waving her arms in the air and shouting ‘it’s Scooch’, Terry was a rabbit caught in the headlights ‘wait a minute’ she interrupted ‘it’s Scooch’, ‘it is Scooch’ El-Tel stared glassily into the middle distance before fifty years of show business experience finally came to his aid ‘it IS Scooch’ he screeched ‘it is it IS!’ as the unfortunate ‘Cindy’ was carried bodily off the stage by two burly men, one with his hand clamped firmly over her open mouth - I love live TV.

I know I’m having a pop at a Knight of the Realm here so I better declare an interest; El-Tel is not really my cup of tea. National treasure though he is I’d rather listen to the sound of fingernails being pulled down a blackboard than tune into his radio two show in the morning. So I wasn’t too bothered to see him step on a banana skin in front of millions. ‘That’s Heresy’ I hear you cry, he’s had his own chat show, he’s done Blankety Blank and Aunties Bloomers, never mind Points of View. I’m sorry, what can I say? Irreverent chat and banal banter are just not my bag ….. eeer wait a minute, I might be painting myself into a corner here, pot and kettle spring to mind. Sorry did you say ‘Terry’ Wogan, ooooh him! He’s great! Loved his interview with the son of God, sorry I mean David Icke.

I don’t know if you remember that interview, it was a classic. Terry’s booked reasonably famous UK sports reporter David Ike on his show. We are probably expecting to hear about his early life as a professional footballer, perhaps some amusing anecdotes about sport before he elucidates the reason he left Grandstand to join the Green Party. Nobody was expecting him to announce he was Jesus! That was a bit of a scoop I will admit.

By the way he’s still on the go and you must see his website. I think the tag line says it all; davidicke.com exposing the dreamworld we believe to be real. Now you have to think about that sentence. From his point of view it means ‘I am going to expose all the myths that you hold dear about society today and open your eyes’. To me it means he’s talking about the fantasy world in his head that he believes to be reality. However not wanting to be accused of narrow mindedness I pressed on into the site …..

I was genuinely surprised to see that he’s had quite a number of books and DVD’s published. Now I didn’t know if what he claimed had any basis in truth, and to be honest I wasn’t sure I wanted to find out as most of his DVD’s were between 4 and 7hrs long! This is him talking without a break I might add. So I thought I’d look at some of the reviews first……

These are in relation to his DVD ‘Freedom or Fascism: The Time to Choose’ Probably quite a good seller in parts of Austria and Germany but not in the way he may have envisaged. Anyway I thought the feedback was fairly positive ‘Seven hours full on with only two breaks??? You're as much an athlete now as you ever were!’ definitely encouraging. As was ‘David’s presentation is fantastic and amazing, brilliantly put together and presented’ looks good so far you’d have to agree. That is until you reach the very last part ‘An added bonus is getting an impression of some of the crowd through a number of interviews recorded before, during intermission and at the end ... nice touch for those of us who hide away in our tin-foiled rooms’

Okaaaaaaay! A room with rubber walls might be of more use for you pal. Let’s assume, just for one minute, that the aliens or the government or whatever the smeg it is that supposed to be monitoring you actually exists. Are you seriously telling me that a thin layer of tinfoil is going to protect you? Hmmm? Come on! That’s like saying hiding under your duvet will protect you from the man-eating ravenous monsters you believe live under your bed at night; Get a f*cking grip!

Here’s some helpful advice for all your conspiracy theorists out there – Start Small. Convince us of a lesser fib; don’t go for the show stopper straight away. Warm us up, persuade us that giant alligators live in the sewers or something. That’s almost plausible. Don’t go diving in with ‘We are all descended from reptilian aliens! You can see it in our DNA’ don’t tell us the moon landings were faked or start screaming ‘The Royals are all Satanists’ from the rooftops …… actually you can probably go with the last one.

Dispelling long held beliefs takes a little time. People need a moment to adjust to new ideas. It’s just like courtship. You don’t start by thrusting your hand into her knickers and thrashing around for the G-spot. That’s only going to get you a kick in the happy sack. Start off with an invite for a drink, and then whilst chatting personably gradually introduce the concept of large reptiles in the drains. If not repulsed at this stage you have achieved the metaphoric equivalent of holding her hand. Assuming the poor sod you are talking to has not made a lame excuse and left you could now think about introducing some of your less conventional theories.

Remember and play it cool. Don’t start blabbering about antichrist conspiracies, just increment the nuttiness gently, you’re playing footsie now, talk about how Fanta was invented to sell in Nazi Germany. Your doing very well, your hand is on her thigh now. See how much easier it is if you pace yourself. Now if by some miracle you find they haven’t left after two hours of your insane dribbling, then I’m afraid you are probably looking in a mirror or you are David Icke. Does the person you see have an upturned colander on their head with a covering layer of tin foil? I thought so, that’s you! Whatever you do don’t step outside, they can see you everywhere! That’s right just stay at home and give the rest of us a break ye raving fecking maddy!

Doei

# posted by Ham Shanks @ 9:37 pm