Hamish McShanks

Ham Shanks Secret Diary w/e 25^th March 2007

‘Hmmm’ I looked at the instructions in my hands and then back down to the numerous pieces of plastic and metal spread out in front of me. Furrowing my brow I tried to match the pictures with the various bits and pieces strewn on the floor. After a couple of minutes of rummaging about I decided I probably had all the required components and surely they must check these things at the factory. ‘Ach everything seems to be here’ I mumbled, picking up a strange looking object; cylindrical in nature with what appeared to be a razor like attachments at each end. It did not match any of the diagrams but common sense said it must be in there for a reason.

Picking up a power drill I stood apprehensively in front of the door. The ‘first cut’ in DIY is always the worst, once you’ve pierced the surface or started to saw there’s no going back. It’s a bit late to wish you hadn’t commenced when you’ve already hacked one leg off the kitchen table. Every time I start a DIY job my brain is nagging at me ‘do you know what you’re doing?’, ’shouldn’t you find a grown up?’ it’s quite disconcerting. Oh and it’s probably best not to mention these voices if anyone asks, never goes down well, particularly when you’re holding a large power tool.

‘Shut it brain’ I growled before steeling myself for the job in hand ‘I’m going in’ Gingerly I placed the nose of the drill against my carefully measured pencil mark and pulled the trigger ‘Gnnnnrrssweeweeeweeemmpffff!wee.ee.ee.srnng’ …..

With the benefit of hindsight I wouldn’t have leant quite as hard on the drill, or possibly a pilot hole with an awl would have helped. Luckily I had to paint the door when I was finished anyway so a large diagonal score across the paintwork was a minor inconvenience. My broken nose was a tad more distressing ‘fgnnb.a.a.strd’ I cursed whilst inserting another wad of cotton wool up my swollen nostrils. Simple physics really, if you supporting arms suddenly disappear off to the left as you clutch grimly on to a rampaging drill then gravity will present its bill. I paid mine in blood, with a smidgen of cartilage

It wouldn’t have been so bad if I hadn’t had an audience ‘What the feck are you looking at’ I grumbled as four green eyes bored into me ‘this is for your benefit’ I shouted, waving a hand at the devastation in front of me. They stared impassively as I continued to rant and rave ‘ah’ve got ma own door ye know!’ nothing but a steady feline stare ‘I’m doing my best’ I mumbled, trailing off into silence.

Some people, and I say ‘people’ when I mean ‘loonies’, say they understand what their cats want by the way they look at them! Oh really? Listen pal, I’ll tell ye what yer cat wants; it wants fed, it wants petted and it wants you to pick it’s keech out of the litter tray. I don’t believe you can tell what they want by the way they look but I have to admit right at that moment in time mine were probably thinking ‘how the fuck did you get to the top of the evolutionary tree you retarded chimp’ Undeterred by their derisory stares I continued with the installation of the cat flap.

‘Okay Ham that’s holes drilled, tick’, ‘template marked, tick’ I turned over my checklist and continued reading ‘cut the aperture following the marked template’, ‘Ooookay let’s get the saw out!’

I have to confess my limited experience with jigsaws, both the 1000 piece and the powered variety. At least I can’t lop a finger off trying to assemble a 1000 piece montage of cardboard shapes, although you can never be sure, some of those edge pieces can give you a nasty paper cut if handled rashly.

The cats were either bored or had decided this was going to be too painful to watch so they ambled out into the garden to torture some small mammals as I plugged in the saw. ‘Okay Ham, just remember to take your time and maintain a smooth flowing technique throughout …rrrrrRRRRrrrrrrZzzzZZZZZweeeeweeeeeeZZZZZZ … thud!

No it wasn’t a finger, or a hand; not even a leg. It was a perfectly cut piece of timber which fell out on to the floor in front of me ‘Ha Ha! A piece of cake’ I exclaimed with unabashed glee. Feeling rather smug with myself I picked up the instructions and read on ‘now attach the plastic frame onto the inside of the door using the four screws supplied’, ‘okay dokey’

Carefully I clipped together the housing frame and knelt down in front of the prepared opening. Four screws held firmly between my teeth and an electric screwdriver clutched under one arm. Gently I eased the structure into place with the meticulous care of a bomb disposal expert. You can therefore Imagine my deep joy and happiness when I actually let go of the frame and the whole shooting match fell all the way through and out in to the garden. Not a good sign I think you’ll agree. After desperately trying it from the other side and vainly rotating it in every direction I had to concede that I may have made an error at some point in the preceding process.

Snatching up the instructions I read them again, carefully this time ‘When marking out the template use side A for the 4-way deluxe cat flap and side B for the three way standard’. Tightwad that I am I’d only sprung for the three way standard. Halfwit that I am I’d omitted to turn the template over. Best read it again I thought, just to be sure; No point in giving yourself a stroke over a typo….. Nope, nope, no doubt about it, I’d marked and cut out the wrong sized hole ‘ok so I’ve just used the wrong template and my cat flap is useless, it’s a simple mistake, it’s not the end of the world’ I mumbled as a cold breeze whistled round my ankles.

‘Okay Ham, tears won’t help now, you have to think lateral …….’

‘Welcome to Blue Peter’, ’this week were going to be making a beaded door!’, ‘all you’ll need is a roll of green garden string, a needle, a large packet of salted peanuts and a case of Kronenberg’, ‘First cut your string to the required length’, ‘say five inches if it’s for a cat door’, ‘then carefully pierce each peanut with the needle; you might want to get a grown up to do that for you’, ‘then hastily thread plenty of peanuts on to the string whilst guzzling a shitload of beer’, ‘now attach each length of peanuts, sorry beads, over your door, using some sticky backed plastic’, ‘tan another couple of beers and finally push the reluctant felines through the door three or four times until they get the hang if it!’

‘Next week were going to be making something equally shite that needs a washing up bottle!’

Doei