Hamish McShanks

Hey Hey Hey Kids

Apologies fer the dreadful lateness of this weeks diary. Been trying to multitask, what was I thinking of, I just dont have the correct chromosomal make up (i.e. I'm a boy)

Hope ye enjoy

tara the noo

Ham

Ham Shanks secret Diary w/e 25^th Feb 2007

I stood in front of a drab squat whitewashed building and examined the crumpled piece of paper in my hand, no doubt about it, the address was definitely correct ‘this must be the place dear’ I mumbled whilst thrusting the paper back into my pocket ‘of course it is dear, after you darling’ replied Mrs S. She didn’t look impressed. To be fair this was the fourth time I’d used the self same phrase that morning. Shrugging sheepishly I gripped the handle and stepped inside ‘Ding-a-ling’, ‘Ding-a-ling-a-ling’

The interior was surprisingly bright and welcoming ‘Ding-a-ling’ Within a second of setting foot inside ‘Mr Benn’ popped up from behind a display of baskets ‘Can I help you sir?’, ‘yes we’ve come to see the cats?, ‘Ding-a-ling-a-ling’, ‘certainly sir if you just go through the arched window’ my gaze followed his pointing finger ‘eeer thank you very much’, ‘Ding-a-ling’, ‘you’re welcome sir, anything else I can help you with sir?’, ‘well you could stop saying ding-a-ling anytime you like?’ but he was already rowing his invisible boat across the floor so we hastily made for the proffered door.

Stepping through we emerged into the ‘cattery’; a long white corridor stretching away in either direction, numerous meshed doors could be seen on each side of the passageway. Several cheery looking middle aged women were bustling about, marigold clad and clutching a variety of household implements. They chattered away happily amid a cacophony of meows and purrs as an excited young girl helped them feed and water the feline residents. A happy scene but one that did smell distressingly of ammonia and fish by-products.

One of the matriarchs approached ‘Can I help you sir?’, ‘Yes I would like to adopt a couple of cats’ I replied as my nose shut down for the sake of self preservation ‘any preferences?’ I looked at her through watering eyes ‘Uuum Pussy cats?’ I replied hesitantly. She gave me the reassuring smile of one used to dealing with cretins ‘no I meant would you prefer male or female cats?’, ‘oh right, sorry sorry’ I mumbled whilst fishing out a handkerchief to tie over my face, when I’d finished fashioning my SARS mask the lady was still staring at me ‘well?’, ‘yes I’m fine thanks’, ‘No’ she replied curtly ‘are you looking for a boy or a girl?’ my brow wrinkled ‘I’m here for a cat?’ she rolled her eyes and stormed off with the slop bucket, cursing the idiocy of men.

‘We’ll just have a look around ourselves shall we dear?’ whispered Josie patting me on the shoulder and steering me down the far end of the corridor. Each of the mesh covered doors opened into a small six by four room with one or two cats inside, usually curled up on fleecy cat beds. It turned out that the clipboards contained basic information on the room occupant and notes of their ‘behaviour’ since being admitted to the shelter. The first one provided interesting reading.

‘Misty’, ‘female tortoiseshell, aged 3yrs, shy and quiet’ peering inside the cell there was no sign of the elusive Misty. ‘Where the hell is she? Scotch Misty would be more appropriate’ I quipped as my better half shook her head and pointed behind the bed. A pair of scruffy ears were just poking above the back of the bed, as we waited in hushed silence two iridescent grey eyes slowly appeared over the horizon and the timid owner gingerly peeked out from her hiding place ‘Yes I think that qualifies as shy’ I muttered whilst scanning the rest of the notes on the clipboard ‘Please note Misty only eats cooked chicken and fresh tuna …’, ‘fresh tuna!!’ I exclaimed noisily.

A sea of concerned faces turned to look at me. Quickly Jos elbowed me in the ribs and replaced the clipboard on the door ‘lets look at some of the other nice kitties’ she muttered through gritted teeth whilst gesturing with her eyes.

‘Oh right yes’ I muttered, swiftly putting on my smiley face and mugging happily at the anxious women. This seemed to do the trick and as the ladies settled back to their work we moved on to the next cubicle ‘Mindy and Molly, 3yr old female and 1yr old daughter’ I was about to glance inside when I felt something brush against my leg. Looking down I saw the most enormous tom cat in the world. Not fat you understand, just fecking big. Think the Arnold Schwarzenegger of the cat world.

It was a black moggie with white fur on its paws that made it look like it was wearing snow boots and a cute contrasting white patch round its nose. Purring nosily it started excitedly ‘biffing’ my jeans with its cheeks and wrapping it’s thick tail around my leg. A friendlier cat you could not meet ‘Aaaw look at the nice puttyca-ooowyaahbaaas!!’ Foolishly I’d lowered my hand to give the friendly feline a wee scratch behind the ears. It rewarded my welcoming gesture by lacerating three of my fingers ‘you fu-oomppff’ I’d pulled back my right leg, ready to launch the kitty into orbit, when I received another sharp nudge in the ribs and an urgent ‘Haaaaaam!’

Sensing the icy glares from the far end of the room I reached back with my hand and pulled my foot up towards my buttock ‘just stretching the old quads’ I mumbled ‘had a long run this morning’ I continued, switching to stretch the other leg as well ‘what’s his name then?’ I enquired; pointing at the evil ball of fur that had just slashed my hand to ribbons ‘he’s a feisty lad isn’t he, ha ha ha…..’

Unfortunately in my efforts to keep up the charade of stretching my muscles I’d gone into auto pilot and leant forward to stretch my hammys, therby bringing my face in close proximity to the cats. A clear invitation for the satanic beast to launch another attack. Perhaps it was my ginger goatee that provoked the animal, whatever the reason it was now latched firmly on my face ‘Arrrghhh gerrit off gerrit off, killthefuuuucker’ I screamed as it sank it’s claws deeper into my soft flesh.

‘Forfucksakegerritooooff’ I shrieked hysterically, salty tears now mixing with the free flowing blood which already drenched my face. Fumbling blindly my fingers eventually grasped on to something solid. It was one of the metal clipboards and without hesitation or remorse I smacked the enraged feline. One swift blow was all that was required and it dropped to the floor suitably stunned. It wasn’t the only one, the ladies from the shelter were all staring open mouthed as I leant forward with my hands on my knees and sucked in huge lungfuls of air. Blood sweat and tears all dripping on top of the prone moggie.

‘I’ll have to think about it’ I slurred as my girlfreind sensibly ushered me towards the exit ‘I’m not sure if it’s really what I’m looking for’ I mumbled over my shoulder as they rushed past me to aid the dazed pussycat ‘I’ll give you a call yeah?’

‘Have you thought about a hamster?’ enquired Josie as we got back to the car

Doei