Sunday, January 21, 2007

 

Ham Shanks Secret Diary - Part 113

Ham Shanks Secret Diary w/e 21st January 2007

So she’s been evicted! Hurray, good riddance to bad rubbish I hear you cry, well those of you that watch the inane drivel that is ‘Celebrity Big Brother’ The wicked witch Jade has been cast out of the house. Unfortunately she wasn’t torn to shreds by a baying crowd because Channel 4 bottled it at the last minute. The equally vapid morons who actually go down to this ‘house’ and scream at the celebrities as they are evicted were dispersed with water cannon before our cretinous friend was pushed out the front door, shaking in her urine filled boots.

Even if you aren’t a fan of this particular type of entertainment you can hardly have escaped the furore it triggered last week. The antics of one imbecilic young woman, cooped up on a television game show, have caused an international incident and now jeopardise Anglo-Indian relations. Channel 4 must be rubbing their hands with glee!

Their ratings were going down the pan a week ago. Nobody cared much for a dozen Z-list ‘celebs’ that were trying to resurrect their careers with a last throw of the showbiz dice. Conned by their own agents into entering, the poor fools didn’t know what they are letting themselves in for; ‘Celebrity big brother?’, ‘Well I don’t actually have any brothers but yes I’ll do it’ the lure of the word celebrity too much for these once famous fallen idols. Oblivious to the public humiliation, pain and final degrading end to their career that now awaits them.

Which does make it particularly ironic is that the only person who had actually been in the house before, and might have an idea of its impact, is the individual who flaps her gob and inspires the burning of effigies on the streets of Mumbai! Her ill thought out comments making the front pages of all the newspapers, broadsheets and redtops alike. Her staggering idiocy eliciting questions in the House of Commons, enraging the masses and her subsequent eviction ‘delighting’ the Mayor of London.

Has the world gone mad? Yes Jade is thicker than a triple decker sandwich, but we all knew that. For pities sake the girl’s whole claim to fame is being dense. Sorry I meant loud and dense, no actually it’s loud, foul-mouthed and dense, no hold on it’s loud, foul-mouthed, imbecilic, obtuse ……. You get the idea

Apart from anything else have we also forgotten what big brother is all about? The whole concept of the program is about engineering conflict. You could take a dozen of the holiest people in the world and placed them in the big brother house. After a week of being stuck togther, carrying out stupid ‘tasks’, carefully rationed starvation and sharing one cludge they would all be at each others throats…….

‘Four twenty five in the Big Brootha house; Archbishop Tutu and the Dalai Lama are out in the garden, disagreements over the state of the toilet have come to a head’ Camera changes to a view of the garden, the two holy men are stripped to the waist and squaring up to each other, the rest of the housemates are surrounding them in a frenzied circle. Mother Teresa is running a book.

The DL has his arm stretched out, palm facing upwards, and is gesturing the aging Archbishop towards him with a gentle flexing of the fingers ‘Cmon you baldy old coot, take off that damn dog collar and fight like a man!’ Tutu snatches it off and throws it to the ground ‘Oh maaaan you’ve been riding my back all week, I’m gonna enjoy tearing you a new asshole you muhfuh!’ he retorts angrily.

Cagily they pace round the circle weighing each other up, the occasional cracking of an arthritic joint breaking the tense silence. Five days of quarter-rations courtesy of Ghandi failing the weekly task has already left tempers on edge. The piss covered toilet seat was the straw that broke the camels back for our Tibetan chum. If only he’d known it was Benedict the XVI that had the shaky hand. Nobody likes a crusty toilet seat but he’s picked a fight with the wrong man.

It doesn’t matter now, he’s called him out and this is only going to end one way. The Lama is poised in a martial art stance ‘Is that the Tiger stance you doing there nappy boy?’ taunts the 1984 Noble Laureate ‘I always knew you wus a pussy!’. The DL’s nostrils flare in anger and he fixes the bespectacled cleric with a steely glare ‘you’re going doooooown tutu, waaay down’ and with loud blood curdling screams they both attack! Suddenly the action freezes and Davina pops up ‘Who will win the clash of the clerics?’, ‘find out in three minutes, after a message from our sponsors’

Now that would be worth watching! I would probably have the music from ‘The good the bad and the ugly’ playing over the tannoy as they fought. Definite scope for some slow motion action shots as well. Extra sound effects as teeth are dislodged and groins kicked. Possibly topless totty carrying big cards between rounds to add a bit of class to the whole proceedings. I think I’ll put the idea to channel 4, they don’t seem to have any shame as it is……..

Ridiculous you say? I think it’s a winner but lets move swiftly back to reality and answer the burning question. Is Jade a racist? I don’t know, nobody does except Jade, but opinions are like ar*eholes, everyone has one. So let me break wind with mine.

Personally I think she felt insecure in the presence of a beautiful, middle class, well educated, articulate and teetotal woman. Not an awful lot in common with Jade lets be honest. Jade wanted to be the centre of attention and Shipla was in the way. The fact that she was Asian probably didn’t come into it. Jade doesn’t have the gumption to be racist, that would require her engaging her cerebrum before flapping her lip.

‘But she took the mick out of her accent’ I hear you cry. Would anybody say anything if she mimicked an Irish accent? Welsh? Scottish? Brummy? ‘Oi are yoooow calling me a broooomy’ ……

Yes racism is a big problem but personally I’d prefer it if we concentrated on stamping out the nutters with swastikas tattooed on to their throats who are holocaust deniers, or perhaps erradicating the various caste systems of discrimination in Africa, India, Korea, Japan, Latin America, Nepal, Sri Laka and the Yemen to mention a few.

‘Oooh that’s a bit heavy Ham’ and you’re be right. Because there are slightly more important things than baying for the blood of a talentless nobody who became famous for being thick and unsurprisingly has made a very thick comment! Jings I cant believe we never saw that one coming! Let’s get a grip shall we?

Doei

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