Hamish McShanks

Ham Shanks Secret Diary w/e 12^th November 2006

What must the first man have thought when he created fire? Other than ‘oooyah oow oow oow it burn oooow!’ (Of course he probably didn’t have a word for ‘burn’ as he’d just discovered the concept of combustion) However even after dousing his recently flambéed facial hair he must have been pretty impressed with his discovery. A quantum leap in technology for the time you would have to agree? ‘What’s for dinner tonight dear?’ enquires our hero as he strolls into the cave, his hand held surreptitiously behind his back and a wide grin fixed on his face ‘raw furry mammal with dirty roots again dear’, ‘not tonight my sweet, tonight we have hot furry mammal and braised roots’ he declares whilst presenting his beloved with a flaming stick. We’ll gloss over the lack of adequate ventilation in the cave and their subsequent deaths from carbon monoxide poisoning. That’s just natural selection.

Anyway I feel I was similarly impressed when I borrowed my elder brother’s car. The current bucket of rust I was driving needed some running repairs at the local garage and my brother had kindly provided me with a rather modern ‘courtesy car’. It was indeed a quantum leap forward in technology. It talked to me!

‘Welcome inside the vehicle, please fasten your safety belt’, ‘Ooooh seeeexy voice’ I mumbled whilst complying with the computers request. The car started first time, another novelty for a vehicle of mine ‘please enter your destination’, ‘help ma bob it’s like the Starship Enterprise!’ I exclaimed as the dashboard lit up in front of me. There were buttons everywhere, I felt like a fighter pilot as I punched in my destination. A few seconds later it flashed up the distance I had to travel, an estimated arrival time, and how many litres of fuel I would require ‘Oh fit funcy’ I gasped.

After enjoying the complimentary cappuccino and nutty wafer biscuit which had emerged from the centre consol, I set off. I was in rather good spirits, it’s amazing how relaxing it is driving a vehicle which doesn’t rattle and squeak all the time. There’s no need to hide shamefaced behind the steering wheel as clouds of black smoke spew out when you press the accelerator. No need to wince as James Bond type oil slicks constantly trail behind you from the incontinent sump. It was bliss, sheer bliss.

It was about ten miles in to the journey and I had been enjoying the in flight movie on my heads up display when I sensed a slight vibration coming through the steering wheel ‘that’s strange?’ I thought. It only lasted a few seconds so I put it down to a change in the road surface. A few minutes later it returned but with much more force. The steering wheel was shuddering in my hands and a series of warning lights lit up as the computer barked out ‘There is a problem with the front offside wheel pull over immediately!’ Popcorn sprayed across the dashboard ‘Ho…oly f.u…ck’ and I wrestled the car on to the hard shoulder. An examination of the wheel revealed a missing nut ‘Oh for fu-‘ A swift rummage in the boot did not uncover any spares ‘bloody marvellous’ I was mulling over my options before giving the tyre a few hefty kicks and a good shoogle. It seemed to be well secured and I reasoned that as it wasn’t actually my car it would probably be ok.

The computer did not seem so sure as I restarted the engine and pulled away ‘Warning! Warning! There is a problem with the front wheel’, ’aye I’ve had a look, it’s fine though, nae need tae fash’, ‘WARNING! This vehicle is unsafe’, ‘it’s ok I’m going to drive slowly’, ‘WARNING WARN-‘ I punched the mute button ‘ach dry yer eyes lassy’. Even though the voice was silent, warning messages continued to be displayed on the dashboard in ever increasing font sizes and varying shades of red.

The vibration was getting quite severe now and I was struggling to keep hold of the wheel as it shook in my hands. ‘Bb.b.better ..s.sslow d.d.ddown a.a.a bbb.bit’ I mumbled through my juddering teeth. Easing off to eighty five seemed to alleviate some of the shuddering ‘a.a.ch iit’s f.f.f.ffine n.n.nno..w’ I lied to myself as the lactic acid started to build up in my arms and shoulders. I was considering pulling over again when there was a loud crunching noise and the front wheel sailed down the road in front of me. Clearly I had been holding it up as it overtook a couple of other vehicles before hurdling the crash barrier and bounding off across some fields.

This net result was a slight reduction in shuddering but a sharp pitch to starboard. There were now a large number of orange sparks flashing past my side window ‘oh that’s pretty’ I thought as the dashboard also lit up like a winning pinball machine and the computer burst back into life! ‘Computer initiated Audio Override - STOP IMMEDIATELY! REPEAT STOP IMMEDIATELY!’ I noticed that the previously sensual voice now had a distinct panicky note to it.

The offside front wheel was the next to disappear; it too vaulted the crash barrier and headed after its mate. At least my vehicle was now level, albeit it had a distinct dragster feel to it. And of course I was still skiting down the motorway at 70mph with no discernible means of control. The computer was now in full blown hysterics, ‘Engaging Escape Protocol’ it sobbed as a police car pulled alongside with blue lights flashing. The officer gestured that I should pull over. I pointed at myself and gave a quizzical look to suggest that perhaps he’d made a mistake and it was a completely different flaming Citroen that he wanted to pull over. He glared and pointed again. Smiling weakly I indicated left, not quite sure how I was going to manage to pull over. Thankfully we were approaching a gentle right hand bend and friction gradually slowed me down. My fiery shuttle headed straight on to the hard shoulder grinding to a halt halfway up the grass embankment.

Before I could flee the two policemen arrived at my vehicle and tapped on the driver’s window ‘Can I help you officers?’ I enquired as I would down the glass. Just then a small hatch opened in the front of the car and a black rocket shot out. All three of us watched in silence as it powered into the air, reaching about 100m before the engine cut out and a small white parachute was deployed. The separated nose cone drifted lazily down into a corn field about a mile away. Both men turned to look at me

‘I can explain …. You see it’s my brother’s car ……’

Doei