Hamish McShanks

Hey hey folks

Here's a diary at long last. Apologies for the dreadful service. It's hard work trying to juggle a heavy workload, organise a touch team and still find time for a nervous breakdown and writing a diary!

Hope you enjoy, I'm afraid the intermittant service is likely to continue for a few weeks yet

Kind Regards

Ham

Hamish McShanks Secret Diary w/e 24^th Sept 2006

Aristotle’s law of contiguity states that: "When two things commonly occur together, the appearance of one will bring the other to mind."

Now I know your thinking; ‘Jesus Christ Ham, this is a bit heavy, what’s wrong with ye?’ The answer is nothing. I’m just trying to rationalize my behavior every time I return home to the North East of Scotland. Particularly when I crest the top of the hill outside Aberdeen and see the city unfold below me. Whenever I see the swathes of grey granite and the spires of the toon peeping through the haar I get quite emotional. For the life of me I don’t know why? I couldnay wait to get out of the fecking place when I lived there. It must be some kind of Pavlovian conditioning and with hindsight perhaps I should have warned the passengers in my car……

‘Oh look there’s Aberdeen, where di-’, ‘Theee Northern lights of Old Aberdeen, mean home sweet hooooome to meeee’, ‘what are you doing?’ (ignoring you and taking another deep breath as it happens) ‘the Northern lights of Aberdeeeeeeen are where I want to be’, ‘gonnay stop?’ (nae chance) ‘I’ve been a wanderer all of my life and maaaanys a sight I’ve seeen’, ‘I’m serious’ (I’m in full voice now) ‘God speed the day when I’m’ (nothing’s going to stop me) ‘oooon my wayooommpffff’ (except a quick chop to the windpipe it would seem)

We had been on route to a touch rugby tournament in Aberdeen. I’d persuaded the troops that the Granite City wasn’t always freezing cold and foggy. In fact on some days you could get by with just the two jackets and a fleece. Convinced by my lies they had agreed to travel north. Having just topped the hill and set sight on my hometown skyline I’d burst into very loud, very badly sung folksong. I suppose the Pavlovian punch in the throat response was equally understandable but nevertheless slightly detrimental to team morale (well mine at any rate)

Team spirit was fully restored by the time we trooped out onto the pitch for our first game and we started off with a solid draw. As the Captain I felt some stirring words of encouragement may be in order ‘unbeaten so far’ I wheezed whilst desperately sucking in lungfuls of air ‘they were a good side’ I continued before collapsing on to my knees at the side of the pitch ‘just keep up that workrate guys’ my left arm was now strangely limp ‘great teamwork’ I mumbled clutching my chest with my good arm before crumpling backwards on to the grass ‘jusht keep… t.t.talking to each other….’ I slurred whilst a paramedic ran to my aid ‘and s.s.shtay focuuuuused…..’

Storm in a tea cup. Couple of minutes of CPR, a few hundred millijoules of defibrillation, a cup of tea and I was good to go again. I’d thoroughly recommend a few savage jolts of electricity to pep you up in the morning. Beats the crap out of red bull any day of the week and it doesn’t taste like shite either. Although it does play havoc with yer fillings.

Suitably duracell’ed up I headed back to the fray.

We had a mixed bag of a day but still managed to reach a semi-final. We might have won it too if we hadn’t already adjourned to the bar by the time we realised we were supposed to be playing. There was little enthusiasm for getting changed back into our cold wet kit and my new paramedic friends insisted I take it easy for the next two or three months. We had no option but to concede the game. Consoling ourselves with the fact that we were getting some early training in for the evening’s ceilidh I persuaded the boys in green to push my gurney to the bar and purchased another round of drinks. We would definitely be hitting the ground running tonight, or possibly just hitting the ground. Time would tell.

The Ceilidh venue was an exceptionally impressive building at the heart of the University campus. Stout oak panelled walls were topped with a high vaulted ceiling. Mighty wooden beams traversed from side to side way above our heads. It was a daddy of a venue, it definitely had a feel of history about it ‘bloody hell this is the mutts nutts’ mumbled one of the team ‘aye yer not wrong’ I replied pulling the last of the wires from my chest ‘but I’m fairly sure it’s just as easy to admire from the bar, mines a pint please’

‘So you think it was sensible to discharge yourself do you?’, ‘Aaaaaye!’, ‘contrary to medical advice?’, ‘Ach there’s nothing the matter wi me’, ‘they did recommend you should take it easy’, ‘ach dinna be fashing yerself’, ‘It’s just that you’ve seemed a bit …. Uuum …. Odd..’ my face screwed up in bewilderment ‘odd?’, ‘yes a bit … eeer … strange since it happened’, The band started playing ‘enough chit chat my dear’, ‘come let’s dance Susan’, ‘I don’t think that’s really appropriate’, ‘why?’, ‘I’m Colin, we don’t have a Susan in the team’, ‘Oh you shy little minx, don’t toy with me’ and grabbing him by the hand I spun him on to the dance floor.

‘Look Ham I know you’re not well but-‘, ‘shhh don’t talk my love, savour the moment’, ‘I’m going to savour kicking you in thewoooaahh’ Another two spins and we were back dancing cheek to cheek ‘don’t fight it Susan you know you want me’ his voice was somewhat muffled as I bear hugged him into my chest ‘oh it’s been a perfect night sweet darling Susan’ he was wildly flapping his arms behind my back as I crushed him tightly.

Luckily we have a psychiatric nurse in our team. Years of dealing with the deranged and mentally infirm meant she recognised the warning signs immediately. ‘Hello there vicar’ she said to herself ‘two men dancing together in public, one clearly struggling for dear life the other staring glassy eyed at the horizon, we have a stonecold maddy in our midst!’. She leapt into action. Stealthily creeping up behind me she reached for a stuffed salmon on the wall ‘Ohh Susan were going to be so happy togetooompppfff’

Caught me a beezer, I was out like a light and the luckless ‘Susan’ was saved.

So next time ye worry about the state of the national heath service or how our taxes are spent, just think. An amateur could have killed me but the blow was hard enough to disable me without actually helping me on to the next world. A true professional and I would salute her if I could just get my arms out of this fecking jacket …..

Doei