Hamish McShanks

Hamish McShanks Secret Diary w/e 6^th August 2006

I don’t know about you, but I’m beginning to think there’s something in this global warming thing after all. What’s happened to the normal Scottish summer? It’s the first week in August and we’ve hardly had any rain for the best part of a month. July is normally one of the wettest months of the year? Stranger still it’s actually been hot? And when I say hot, I mean hot! The fleeces have been put away and the T-shirts have been dusted off. My usually translucent Scottish skin has taken on an almost healthy pink colour and is now covered with freckles. Or soon to be malignant melanomas if all the recent reports on the uselessness of sunscreens are right!

My internal temperature regulation has also been struggling to acclimatise to this unnatural heat. There are only so many cold showers you can have in a day and I’m beginning to look like a shrivelled prune. For me things came to a bit of a head this week when Saturday dawned with another scorching day in prospect. I was going for a run first thing and then off for lunch with my evil twin. Ye know it’s going to be a hot day when yer sweating putting yer trainers on! Despite a cold shower I was still roasting after my run and not in the best of humours when my bruv picked me up.

‘Twenty seven degrees’ I sighed wearily. My brother glanced across from the drivers’ seat ‘what are ye on about now?’ I pointed at the digital thermometer in his car ‘look at the temperature’, ‘so it’s a wee bit warm, what are ye greeting aboot?’ I turned on him angrily ‘I’m greeting about melting into a greasy spot, I’m greeting about sticking to your cheap plastic car seat and needing a fish slice to prise myself off, I’m greeting about sweating like a pig, I’m greeting because it’s twenty seven degrees fecking Celsius’, ‘that’s what I’m greeting about’ I replied hysterically.

‘Heat getting to you is it?’ he replied calmly. I was going to explode again but realised I didn’t actually have the energy, Instead I slumped down in my seat and concentrated on looking sullen ‘Right, first of all’ he started ‘pigs don’t sweat, they havnay got any sweat glands, that’s why the roll in mud to keep cool’, ‘would you like me to roll you in some mud?’ I didn’t reply, I just stuck my petted lip slightly further out ‘secondly, you’d only be complaining if it was cold, and thirdly, you’re an annoying whinging bawbag and I’m fed up of yer moaning so shut your noisy yapper and get oot of ma car! Wur here’ it was difficult to fault this line of reasoning so I grudgingly exited the car.

It was only when I got out that I realised my schoolboy error ‘Ooooch what an eedjit’, ‘what now?’, ’I left my baseball cap in my own car, I’ll have sunstroke by the time wur finished walking roond the toon’ I opened my mouth for another rant about the sun and my baldy heid when my brother held up his hand to stop me ’will you shut up if I buy you a hat’, ‘aye ok then’ he shook his head and sighed ‘you’ve got a fresh nappy on have ye? I don’t want to be wiping yer airse for ye as well’, ‘oh ha ha’

Luckily there was a sports shop on the opposite side of the street. I headed straight for the golf section and selected a top of the range ‘Tiger Woods’ Nike golf cap. Might as well splash out when someone else is picking up the tab I thought. Nice idea, but I was intercepted by my brother as I headed towards the till ‘wooah there Tiger, I think we can find you something a tad cheaper and just as effective’ He handed me a wide brimmed cricket hat.

I say handed, but it took two assistants to help him lift it off the shelf ‘this will keep the sun off yer heid’ he said with a wry smile. The sales assistants guided it on to my head as my twin tossed the baseball cap over his shoulder. It was a fairly big sunhat, ‘for an entire team is it?’ I grunted as the full weight hit me ‘do you want sunstroke?’, ‘I’m more concerned with a spinal injury or a strangulated hernia at the moment’, ‘you’re never happy are you’ he muttered as the cashier handed him his change.

Tottering towards the door I wondered how I was going to get through such a small aperture. By carefully tilting my head at a forty five degree angle I was able to squeeze out with only minor structural damage to the doorframe and a couple of pulled muscles. The sales staff were all waving and smiling. I’m sure I heard some ‘high five’ slapping and mumbles of ‘I cannay believe you finally sold that piece of shi-’ as I exited to muffled laughter.

Thankfully it wasn’t a windy day or I fear I may have disappeared into the stratosphere. As it was I eclipsed the sun from most of the surrounding area. Diners at the myriad of outdoor cafes had been revelling in the warm sunshine. They were now understandably distressed to find themselves plunged into darkness halfway through their starters. Small children were crying and hugging their parents ‘why has the world gone black mummy?’, ‘I’ve been a good boy really I have’. One of the big issue sellers threw his magazines in the air and ran down the street shouting ‘I told you it’s the end of the world, I told YOU!’, ‘It’s Armageddon!’, ‘The four horseman are coming!’

Looters were smashing in shop windows and filling trolleys with various sized electrical appliances. Police were fighting pitched battles with rioting youths and two people were caught red handed trying to sneakily return their purchases to TK Max. It was all getting rather ugly and a quick exit down a side street seemed the most appropriate course of action. Ditch the hat and stroll nonchalantly back to the car seemed the best plan.

Unfortunately, narrow alleys, running and wide hats don’t mix. I was at top speed when the brim of my hat wedged firmly between the two walls. Ok so my top speed aint that fast but sixteen stones of baldy teuchter has its own momentum. I ‘exited’ the hat with a loud popping sound, managing two turns and a half pike before crashing face first into a handily placed wheelie bin ‘Ooyah fuuu-’

‘Don’t you like the hat then?’ my brother enquired as he pulled up in the car. I staggered to my feet and dusted myself off ‘no it’s lovely’ I replied. Frantically trying to open the back door. One eye on the approaching angry mob ‘it’s just not my colour’ I mumbled as we screeched down the road, my feet dangling out the back door ‘You’ll remember your own one next time then’, ‘yes I expect so’ I whimpered as bricks and bottles clattered on the road behind us.

Doei