Hamish McShanks

Hamish McShanks Secret Diary – w/e 18^th June 2006

‘Ooooh Ooooh there’s another one!’, ‘Aw for fu-‘, ’c’mon nae greeting! Gerrit doon ye ya big lassy’ Gingerly I poured out another tumbler of our world cup cocktail (soon to be patented) A tasty little number comprising a ‘taste’ of all the nations competing in this years world cup. Grimacing and pinching my nose I chugged the glassful, desperately trying to suppress my gag reflex ‘Uuurrgghh’, ‘What’s wrong? Don’t ye like the bourbon? Or is it the Malibu?’ Surely it’s not the Tequila? That’s gold label that is!’

I didn’t hear the rest of his question as I was sprinting towards the toilet, desperately trying to prevent handfuls of diced carrot from squeezing through my fingers and landing on the floor. Strange that they should ‘pop’ up because they were one of the few ingredients not actually in our cocktail. That’s one of life’s great mysteries I suppose. It doesn’t matter what ye eat or drink your body always seems to expel carrots? Anyway that’s probably more information than you really wanted so I’ll stop now.

Returning to the living room I sat down, dabbing my mouth with a wet cloth ‘Better?’ enquired my twin brother ‘Aye fine thanks’ I replied hoarsely ‘you do realise you’ll need to chug another cos ye didn’t keep that one down?’ Glaring fiercely at him I indicated via a hand gesture that this would not be the case ‘No it’s ok, one drink will be enough’, ‘Ha bloody ha’

To explain; we were watching one of the world cup games. Outer Jibrovia against the Republic of Kasfeckistan I think it was. As we had no vested interest in either side we were playing a drinking game. We had prepared our world cup cocktail with a little splash of every spirit we could imagine, including white spirit by the taste of it. The game didn’t involve England and wasn’t even in their group we were also carrying out a little experiment. If the commentators mentioned Wayne Rooney I had to neck a drink, if they mentioned 1966 my twin bruv had to skull a glass of the foul brew. There was no point in simply counting every time they mentioned England or we would have been steaming before the national anthems had even finished.

We had played scissors, paper, and stone to decide who got to chose their category. Sadly I lost and Fraz picked 1966. I was quite surprised until I realised all the talk was of the imminent return of the spud faced granny shagger and his probably not healed (but don’t tell Sir Alex) meta-smegging-tarsel. We were nine minutes into the game and I’d had thirteen drinks, my bruv was only on his fourth. If only Bobby ‘I’ve nae hair left for a combover’ Charlton had been watching the game I might have been in with a shout.

Now I don’t want you to jump to the conclusion that I’m a bitter jock and I’m only mocking the English because Scotland didn’t qualify for the world cup. Heavens no, nothing could be further from the truth. Footie isn’t even my game. Rugby is my bag and as England are current world champions the worst has already happened for me. I know that the sky won’t fall in and the earth won’t be plunged into a hundred years of darkness even if England actually does win the world cup! So I’m cool with it. If Becks and spudface lift the cup then they will have won it fair and square.

The fact that they are playing like a bunch of chimps that have never met before does make it less likely, but it could still happen. I’m sure the big nasty German defenders won’t try and trample ‘li’ll spuddie’ out of the game if they do meet in the next round.

It has been quite an entertaining World Cup though. I like how they always introduce a ‘new ball’ at the start of the tournament. This one has Mexican jumping beans inside it, or is radio controlled. Either way it’s not helping goalkeepers much. It’s nice that they have also allowed every team to have an invisible 12^th player.

What do you mean? I have not lost the plot! They must have done! How else can you account for all those players tumbling to the ground when there’s nobody anywhere near them? ….. Whassat? Diving you say? …. I thought it was a football tournament? Where’s the high board then? ….. oh …… right …..

Despite it not being my game I do actually enjoy watching some football. Well up until I see the first blatant bit of cheating. That really gets my back up. Who do they think they are kidding? There are seventy thousand fans in the stadium and millions watching on TV and yet they are quite happy to drop at the merest hint of contact, or more often with no contact. Not content with being as resilient as custard they then proceed to barrel roll twenty five times while holding a completely different part of their anatomy from that which was allegedly caught in the ‘tackle’

I think it’s time for some changes. Instead of the physio coming on with a ‘magic sponge’ I think the referee should have a ‘magic cattle prod’. If the player doesn’t manage to get up after the referee has given him a couple of quick 200 volt jabs then chances are he’s probably genuinely injured and a foul can be awarded and the trainer allowed on.

Similarly I think to quash this irritating habit of players swamping referees and waving ‘cards’ after a perceived injustice then the cattle prod could come into play again.

Scenario 1: Player gets up in time after an alleged ‘foul’ to avoid the first prod but then mimes the giving of a yellow card to his perceived attacker. Action : Referee prods the miming player in the groin with the cattle prod and issues him a yellow card as he lies screaming on the ground. After all that’s what he requested.

Scenario 2 : Player remains prone after a couple of prods and is therefore genuinely injured. His team mates surround the referee whilst waving their hands as if to give a card. Action : Referee allows the trainer on and then proceeds to disperse the angry team mates with the electric prod shouting ‘Cards I’ll gie ye cards ye whinging nancy boys’ bzzzzz ‘gerrit up ye ya bunch of pooooooooofs’ bzzzzz bzzzzzzz

Ye can’t say it wouldn’t stop players questioning the referee so much ….

Doei

Ps C’mon Engerland! (its reverse psychology, Scotland always lose when I support them)