Hamish McShanks

Hamish McShanks Secret Diary w/e 4^th June 2006

‘Grimsby?’, ‘Aye’, ‘but that’s about-’ my face screwed up with concentration as I tried to total up the distance but rapidly ran out of fingers ‘that’s about a five hundred mile round trip!’ I exclaimed a few minutes later ‘more like six hundred I think you’ll find’, ‘but-‘, ‘cmon get in the car were wasting time’, ‘you never said it was in Grimsby!’ I protested ‘That’s in England’, ‘Bravo Hercule I’d have to get up pretty early in the morning to catch you out’, ‘it is pretty early in the fecking morning’ I replied through gritted teeth ‘six fecking forty fecking bloody five to be exact! I havnay even had my breakfast’, ‘och dry yer eyes and get that doon ye’ he replied tossing a sandwich in my direction and jumping in the car.

Earlier in the week when my twin bruv had asked whether ‘I was up to anything on Saturday?’ and ‘did I fancy going to look at a microlight?’ the bawbag failed to mention it required a fecking ten hour round trip in the car to get there. I had been slightly taken aback when he poked me in the eye at six thirty in the morning and tore the duvet off the bed shouting ‘rise and shine fatty’, ‘cmon ye baldy git, were burning daylight, chop chop’ That’s not the way I like to be woken in the morning and I made a mental note to change my locks when we got back.

I jumped in the passanger seat and we set off ‘lovely day isn’t it’, ‘mnngnfAye it’sh not mmff bad’ I mumbled through a mouthful of cheese and ham sandwich ‘looks like it’s going to be a scorcher’ I glanced at the clear blue sky and whispered ‘aye and I’ll be in a car all day, fecking great’, ‘what’s that?’, ‘oh I was just saying great sandwich’ I replied, waving my breakfast in his direction ‘there’s a flask of coffee in the blue bag along with plenty more sandwiches and snacks if ye want’. Snacks sounded more promising. I quite fancied a mars bar or snickers.

Rummaging eagerly in the bag I pulled out an item of confectionary and my face fell ‘oh a healthy oat and raisin bar, my favourite’ I replied glumly ‘aye much better for ye than chocolate aren’t they’. I closed my eyes in despair, ten hours in the car and no chocolate. Disappointingly a second glance revealed a number of small holes in the sides of the bag so suffocation was out of the question. I would have to hope I choked on a raisin.

The first couple of hours were ok but the outside temperature was rising steadily and rapidly turning the car into a greenhouse. I wound the window down a couple of inches to let some cool air in, or as it turned out, equally warm air. My frustration was building rapidly when I had a brainwave. Winding the window down a few more inches I leaned out and thrust my tongue into the breeze, my brother looked at me incredulously ‘What the bloody hell are you doing?’, ‘it wuurks or hogs’ I shouted through my open mouth ‘dogs don’t have sweat glands ye numpty, that’s why they let their tongues hang oot!’, ‘aaawt?’, ‘By the smell of things you’ve got plenty sweat glands so pull yer heid in ye eedjit’ I was about to retort that it was working quite well when I swallowed a blue bottle ‘arcchuuggakakakk’

‘Wish I’d taken the fecking dog’ mumbled my brother as I retched into the floorwell.

It wasn’t long before we pulled into a service station so I could take over the driving. My bruv filled up the motor with diesel while I nipped indoors and plunged my boiling head into the ice cream freezer. I managed to hold on to the sides for a good seven or eight minutes before security finally managed to eject me. Suitably chilled and now filled with several cornettos I returned to the car.

My bruv was punching some numbers into the satellite navigation system ‘Now I’ve programmed in our destination so just do whatever the satnav says and wake me up when we get there’, ‘right you are bruv, no probs bruv, you can reply on me bruv’ but he was already snoring so I set off down the slip road and on to the motorway.

The next hundred miles were uneventful other than several hundred insects comitting hari kiri on the windscreen of the car and the odd simple direction from my Germanic sounding co-driver ‘After three hundred yards bear right’, ‘okay dokey’, ‘this is a dawdle’. We were making good time until we hit what looked like a new section of motorway. The Satnav didn’t like this at all, neither did I. ‘After 200 yards’ it started before pausing ‘ … recalculating route’ Glancing down at the unit I noticed it was flashing lots of different colours ‘Ooookay Ham, don’t panic, just do as it says’

‘After 100 yards turn left’ We were on a straight piece of road with no imminent exit ‘are you sure’ I queried ‘after 50 yards turn left’, ‘but I can’t see a-‘, ‘turn left’. The voice sounded very authorative so I stood on the breaks and spun the wheel round. Thump thump thumpity thump! We were careering down the embankment towards a large drainage ditch ‘after 100 yards turn right’ the waterway was approaching rapidly ‘cmon hurry up cmon cmon’ I squealed as I waited for the next command ‘COME ON!’ My eyes were out on stalks as the satnav barked ‘turn right’ in the nick of time.

Wrenching the wheel round we just missed the ditch, teetering precariously along the bank on two wheels before crashing noisily back on to all four. Unsurprisingly my little off road excursion woke my brother ‘what the fu-‘, ‘I’m just doing what it said’ I screamed hysterically ‘where the hell are we?’, ‘after 200 yards turn left’, ‘were on the road to Grimsby of course!’ I replied manically as the car bounced heavily along the rutted track ‘for Christ sake stop!’, ‘after 50 yards turn left’, ‘cant do that, must follow the stanav, you said!’, ‘well now I’m telling you to fecking ignore it!’, ‘turn left’, ‘too late’

We nearly made it you know. If only the bridge had been a little bit wider and an awful lot stronger…..

You would be amazed how tetchy some people can get when they get a face full of airbag. My defence of ‘I was only following orders guv’ did not hold much water, unlike my brothers car. He seemed reluctant to find the silver lining in this particular cloud, no matter how hard I tried ‘Well at least we are nice and cool nowooompppff!’

Doei