Monday, May 29, 2006
Hamish McShanks Secret Diary - Part 88
Hamish McShanks Secret Diary w/e
‘Camping?’, ‘Aye it’s great fun’ Euan looked at me askance ‘Again?’, ‘Aaaaye’, ‘After last year?’, ‘Look it’ll be fine, it’s summer after all’, ‘only in spirit, I saw a penguin yesterday!’, ‘AND a polar bear’ I gave him a withering stare ‘you were at the zoo’, ‘aye but it was wrapped up in a duffle coat’, ‘we managed last year didn’t we?’ I continued ‘it was a monsoon!’ he wailed ‘look the forecast is fine’ I snapped. He gaped at me incredulously ‘aye if yer spending the weekend inside a centrally heated house’. I waved a dismissive hand ‘stop being a big Jessy! Were camping and that’s final!’ He stomped off with much grumbling ‘aye well a penguins a fecking penguin that’s what I say’
Perth Volleyball tournament was upon us again. Two nights out on the lash with little or no sleep, followed by two days of bleary eyed physical exertion as you desperately try to hold on to your breakfast and not be the first player to heave on a wet muddy court.
I don’t know what Euan was complaining about anyway. The Forecast for the weekend was a few showers but mostly sunny. When Steve and I arrived on Friday evening the rain had just stopped and sunshine was bursting through the parting clouds. I nudged him in the ribs as we unpacked the boot of the car ‘See, look at that’ and pointed to the clearing sky ‘and Euan was greeting about the weather!’ It was half an hour’s work to erect the four tents. We were just cracking open a tinny when Euan rolled up in his car.
Reclining in my deckchair I slipped on my sunglasses and theatrically placed a solar reflector under my chin as he struggled towards the tent clutching several heavy bags and an inflatable mattress ‘Alright Mr Kerr?’ he glanced up and scowled when he saw the glasses ‘oh aye very funny Ham, you’re a card right enough’, ‘remember the radiators did you?’ I enquired as he disappeared inside the tent. I couldn’t make out his reply but I’m fairly certain he wasn’t wishing me wealth, health and happiness.
After a few more cans of lager we adjourned to the pub. We chose a hostelry that had treated us very well the previous year, The Ring ‘O’ Bells. It has table service to save you all those tiresome trips to the bar. A tab to save all that tiresome opening and closing of your wallet and a twenty fourth century matter transporter to literally take the piss out of you and save all those tiresome trips to the toilet! Ok, ok, ok so it doesn’t have a matter transporter but that’s the only thing that’s missing.
When we poured ourselves out the door at
By the time we got back I was chilled to the bone ‘Well nite nite then Ham’ chuckled Euan as he opened his tent door. A wave of heat blew out ‘och look at that I’ve left my heater on, better switch that off’, ‘I’ll just make do with the electric blanket’ I stared slack jawed at the cables stretching from the tent to the boot of his car where the gentle hum of a small generator was barely audible.
Thrusting my frozen hands ever deeper into my pockets I trudged off to my own tent. The thin layer of frost clinging to the outside surface was not a good sign. Cursing Mr Kerr, I fumbled clumsily with the zipper. Ten minutes later I was inside and tucked up in my sleeping bag, this wasn’t much of an improvement. Despite being brand new it was not coping well with the ambient temperature. Foolishly I’d gone for a ‘two-season’ sleeping bag. If I’d know the ‘seasons’ it had been designed for were high summer in
It was a long cold night. When Euan ‘knocked’ on my tent door the next morning I could barely move, partly due to the cold and partly due to the fact I was wearing every item of clothing I possessed ‘Alright Ham fancy a cup of tea?’, ‘aye aye that would be great’ I mumbled, determined not to let him know how uncomfortable I had been.
The kettle had boiled by the time I’d rubbed my frozen limbs into life and clambered out of the tent ‘good kip then?’, ‘oh great, top notch in fact’, ‘not cold then?’, ‘Noooooo’, ‘och that’s grand cos it’s to be lovely and warm today but it’s to be even colder tonight’ My face was frozen in a strained smile ‘well that’s not a problem for me’ I replied lamely ‘that’s good then’ he respond, taking a big slurp of tea ‘fine’ I retorted, a tear welling up in my eye.
The day’s volleyball was a blur. All I could think of was another nights kipping in my icy coffin. I couldn’t take it, I cracked and picked up the phone ‘Alright bruv any chance I can kip at yours tonight?’, ‘aye nae bother I thought you were camping?’, ‘change of plan…’
Andy McNab would have been impressed with my evasive manoeuvres. Ten minutes after lights out and I had managed to exit the campsite unobserved. It was a mere twenty minute run to my brother’s house and before you could say ‘two faced Judas’ I was tucked up in a cosy warm bed. I’d set my alarm for 07:00hrs to make sure I could get back to my tent before the rest of the team were up. That way nobody need know about my little excursion to the comfort zone. ‘Sweet dreams Ham’ I chuckled pulling the fluffy duvet over my head and falling into a deep sleep
The campsite was spookily quiet the next morning as I slipped between the tents. Heavy snoring and occasional expelled wind were all that could be heard. Reaching my own tent I gingerly opened the zipper and slipped inside. My face fell, it was empty. No sleeping bag, no rollmat, nothing ‘oh fu-‘, ‘looking for something?’ My heart sank at the sound of Euans voice. Reversing out of the tent I turned to see him smiling broadly. He was holding my sleeping bag in one hand and a video camera in the other.
‘Smile for the camera YA BIG JESSY!’
Doei
