Hamish McShanks

Hamish McShanks Secret Diary w/e 23^rd April 2006

‘I’m so sorry … sniff …. sniff …’, ‘I just c.c.ccant carry on .. uhuu huu huuu’ The tears were running down my cheeks as I clung onto the wheel. Mrs Shanks slowly shook her head ‘are you finished?’ she asked in a quiet voice. Sniffling and avoiding eye contact, I nodded my head. I could hear her take a deep breath ‘ok first things first, it’s a car ye fanny!’, ‘shhhhh she’ll hear you!’, ‘it hasn’t got any ears’ she exclaimed whilst giving me a withering stare ‘don’t listen to her, she doesn’t know what she’s saying’ I whispered. All the while stroking the dashboard ‘Look you said it was too expensive to run, you were the one that said you had to get something cheaper’, ‘it’s all lies’ I squealed, hugging the headrest. Sighing resignedly Mrs S exited the car ‘do what you like, but do try and get a grip of yourself!’ she slammed the door shut, turned to leave then hesitated before leaning back in the open window. She scanned the interior of the car then whispered ‘he’s been driving other cars you know’ before laughing and walking off.

It was true, I couldn’t afford to run my current vehicle, it was just too expensive. It’s not like its even flash or particularly fast, it’s a ten year old Mazda 626. Trouble is it’s expensive to insure and pretty thirsty on the fuel front, I needed something of a more frugal nature. Luckily I’d just mot’d the Mazda so now was a good time to sell. Mrs Shanks had seemed rather perplexed when I’d started to apologise to the old car, and positively vexed when I’d broken down in tears.

As luck would have it my twin brother’s neighbour was selling a wee Peugeot 106 diesel. My bruv knew I was looking so he’d put in an offer ‘You cannay get any cheaper to insure or run’ he said ‘and it’s a bargain’. I was a wee bit tentative because it’s quite a small car ‘na na min, it’s fine, you’ll really like it’ he assured me ‘ach okay then’, by the sounds of things it was too good a deal to pass up’. I agreed to pick up the car on Sunday.

I was passing the Mazda to my older brother to sell. He used to be a car salesman and a good one at that. He could sell fridges to Eskimos, sand to the Arabs and possibly convince you that ‘utterly butterly’ wasn’t in fact hydrogenated pig vomit. I on the other hand am a tad too honest when it comes to these sorts of things. I’ll show the potential buyer everything that is wrong with the car and even if they are thrusting handfuls of used twenties into my palm I will be convincing then they should probably but looking at that one down the end of the street instead! I blame my mother for this streak of honesty.

Anyway, now I was driving the Mazda up North so my brother could dispose of it. Unfortunately a long motorway journey is exactly what the car was made for and I was starting to regret my decision. It just ate up the miles, cruising along at 80mph, hardly touching 3000 revs. Overtaking was no problem, a wee tap on the accelerator and you sailed past the vehicle in front. It was such a wonderfully serene drive I was beginning to bubble as I pulled into my brothers driveway ‘Alright Bruv how was the journ-‘, ‘Uhuu huuu huuu I cant do it, I cant’, ‘oh for fuuuucksakes‘ Thankfully he knows exactly how to deal with this kind of situation and skelped me with a bit of two by four, pulling me out before the blood or my tears marked the upholstery.

Of course leaving my vehicle meant I was forced to take public transport home, oh the joy. I’d elected to let the train take the strain on my journey back to Perth. For a change I’d even had the foresight to check times and availability the night before. I’m glad I did, the cost was a whopping £24.50 for a single from Keith to Perth, A FECKING SINGLE! I presumed this meant I got to keep the train at the end of my journey.

At least I only had one change to make, at Aberdeen, and the wait was only ten minutes. You can imagine my deep joy and happiness when I arrived at the station on Sunday afternoon to find that there was no longer any trains running between Dundee and Perth, these had been replaced by a bus. AND there was an extra wait in Aberdeen of forty minutes. Total journey time three and a half weeks, give or take the odd ice age.

I wasn’t best pleased but there wasn’t much point in taking it out on the poor soul selling the tickets. ‘Ach well I’ll get my bruv tae pick me up from Dundee’ I thought. At least I could save some cash by not travelling so far. ‘Single tae Dundee please’ the guy tapped away on his ticket machine ‘that’ll be £29.60 please’, ‘what? that can’t be right’ he tapped away again ‘no that’s correct’, ‘but it’s less to go to Perth and that’s another half hour past Dundee!’ I replied incredulously ‘No?’ he said, pulling a face ‘Aye’ I replied indignantly ‘Noooo’ he continued in his talking to a small child voice ‘AYE! It is!’ I replied through gritted teeth ‘Go on check it’. He gave me a disbelieving look but tapped away on his gizmo. After a few seconds the red hue flooding across his face gave the game away.

‘Bit less then is it?’ I enquired smugly ‘I don’t ... eer that doesn’t uuum-‘, ‘make sense?’ I offered. ‘Aye ok you’d be better off with a single to Perth’, ‘What about London?’, ‘wha-‘, ‘well it’s further away, so it’s got to be even cheaper with that logic!’, ‘very funny sir-‘, ‘no make it Lands end! In fact make it a monthly pass from John ‘O’ Groats to Lands end’, ‘there’s no need to-‘, ‘first class’. He gave me a look like I was something he’d just scraped off his shoe ‘£24.50 sir’ he replied curtly, pressing the ticket into my hand. I decided not to push my luck any further and handed over the cash. They got the extra fiver anyway when I bought a digestive biscuit from the trolley service.

My twin bruv picked me up from the station and drove me to my new vehicle. ‘what do ye think?’. I looked down at me feet ‘aye grand’ I replied weakly ‘Get in then’, ‘dunno if I can’ I mumbled as I opened the door of my new car ‘What’s yer neighbours name? Stuart Little?’ I grunted, wedging myself into the driver’s seat. It was a tight fit, but with a knee out each window and my head poking through the sun roof I was in! ‘Oh very nice’ my brother sniggered ‘hold on though, I have the perfect thing inside’ He dashed indoors, returning seconds later with a pair of swimming goggles. ‘Da Daa!’ he exclaimed after fitting them over my eyes ‘Good hunting Wing Commander, give the Bosch hell’ he laughed as I started up the car ‘Remember and keep radio silence! ha ha’.

‘Aye yer very funny, very very funny’ I mumbled as I pulled out on to the road. I turned the stereo on and the tune to Billy Smarts circus blared out ‘Duu duu dididlle du du daaa daa, du du didlidle du du daa daa’ My brother was halfing himself ‘you fnnbaaaas‘

Doei