Hamish McShanks

Hamish McShanks Secret Diary w/e 18^th April 2006

‘The Romans?’, ‘yes’, ‘the fecking Romans!’, ‘yes’, ‘You can’t possibly’, ‘why not?’, ‘Easter is all about celebrating how God sacrificed his own son and.. and… and how he was resurrected and.. and … you just cant support the Romans!’, ‘ I shrugged my shoulders and replied ‘There are two sides to every story’ My colleague stared at me in disbelief ‘but the Romans!’ he wailed. I placed my coffee mug on the desk ‘They were the appropriate legal authority at the time and he was breaking the law’, ‘whaaaaat?’, ‘Turning water into wine?’, ‘but that wa-‘, ‘without the appropriate licence, never mind the unpaid duties’ My friend was aghast as I continued ‘Not only was he making his own hooch he was also serving it on a Sunday, he stored uncooked fish next to fresh bread, he didn’t wash his hands after healing a leper, the list just goes on and on’, ‘lets be honest he had form’

‘Okay crucifixion was probably a bit harsh for a first offence, but hey, it certainly reduces the number of repeat offenders’ My colleague seemed unconvinced by my arguments and was hastily building a lightening proof shelter over his head ‘The walking on water gig was good though, I’ll give him that, David Blane couldn’t even pull that one off’ The shelter had gone up in double quick time, he got a wee bit tetchy when I tried to help him position the final sheet of corrugated iron on the roof ‘get away from me’ he screamed, slapping away my hand and feverishly nailing the last piece in place. I took a couple of steps back as he slammed the door shut in my face.

‘What are you doing?’ I enquired through the letter box ‘I don’t want to be collateral damage’, ‘what?’, ‘when the big man smites you!’. I mulled this over for a moment ‘Ok so let me get this right, you believe that I’m going to be smited by God for having a pop at his sons arrest record?’, ‘shut up shut up’, ‘He is omnipotent isn’t he?’, ‘yes’, ‘almighty?’, ‘oh yes’, ‘all seeing, all knowing that sort of thing?’, ‘you better believe it’. I scratched the back of my baldy heid ‘and yet you think he’s going to miss me and hit you?’ There was a long pause ‘he might’, ‘oh so you’re saying he’s actually fallible?’, ‘NO! I never said that, I never said that at all, you’re twisting my words’, ‘Ooooooh I see, so he just needs glasses then?’, ‘shutupshutupSHUTUP!’, ‘getting on for his pension is he?’. My colleague seemed a tad upset at my line of reasoning and I didn’t want to push things further. I left him singing hymns and inflating his rubber armbands. Apparently he was expecting rain?

So Easter is upon us again, another religious festival hijacked for commercial reasons. I’m fairly sure JC didnay have any ‘three for a fiver’ chocolate eggs kicking around in the days of Poncy Pilate. I’d bet there were no giant rabbits divvying out chicken ovulations. Mind you the Easter bunny apparently was an icon, although a pagan one. I doubt it skipped around with an Easter basket in its little hands, it doesn’t seem likely let’s be honest. A more believable scenario is that it rotated gently on an iron spit and was roasted over an open fire while the tatties were getting peeled!

I was going to say ‘while scantily clad maidens danced around in their smalls’ but I think that was just wishful thinking on my part. Mind you if we are going to commandeer ancient rituals and put a modern twist on them I’d certainly vote for nubile lasses frolicking about in the nip! The roast rabbit I could take or leave.

You may have guessed that I’m not particularly religious ‘No Ham, say it aint so’ I hear you cry. However despite my poking fun, I do think that everybody has the right to their beliefs and it must really grate on the folk who do believe when their special time of year is usurped by commerce. Remember the real message of Easter ‘Buy One get One Free on all free range eggs’, ‘Easter cards, five for 99p’, ‘Hurry Hurry Spend Spend’ etc etc

Jings that drives me mad, how bad must it be if ye are a man (or woman) of the cloth. Actually I think I’d make quite a good Minister/Padre/Rabbi, I’d certainly be preaching fire and brimstone. Let’s be honest, I like a good rant. I’d be doon the shops chapping on the front door with ma big sceptre thingy and giving it laldy. Oh it would be great, ye could just wire into folk ‘How daaaaaaaare you *insert breach of holy book here this is a terrible insult against *insert name of deity here and I wont stand for it’. Och I could fair see masel pulling down displays of *insert name of ripped off icon here and sweeping through the shop like a righteous whirlwind. Brow beating some poor member of staff who doesnay want to be working on a *insert holy day of the week here anyway and are only there cos they need the cash.

In fact I think I might start my own religion! Now you may mock but it worked for that Hubbard bloke. Now what could I call my religion? Hmmm? All the best names have been taken already, hmmm. Got it! The Holy Order of Teuchterology! Catchy don’t ye think? I’d quite like to have two holy days, say a Friday and a Monday. I think if ye really want to get in touch with your deity a long weekend helps ye get into the mood. Naturally I’d need a few commandments, ‘thou shalt not covet thy neighbours pie*Scotch or Steak’ springs to mind ‘many a mickle sin maks a muckle big yin’ and of course ‘hoots mon whaurs ma eternal salvation’

I’d certainly need to get a few celebs involved, nothing better to help you rake in the moolah, eeeer I mean encourage donations to help those sick and needy folk in the third world, sorry, sorry, I mean ‘developing countries’. Now the science lot have already brain washed Cruise, Travolta and Bart Simpson, Kabbalah have nabbed Madonna, who could I get? Hmmm. The Nationalists have signed up Sir Sean Canary, so he’s oot the windae. Jimmy Shand is deid, which I have to admit is a bit of a drawback. Hello though! If I could rope in Robbie Shepherd and Jim McColl we could be on to a winner, ach hud on a minty though, we need some eye candy as weel…….. Got it! Ha Ha, och I’ll be swimming in cash…..

Picture the scene, the Mound in Edinburgh. Ham is standing atop a soapbox, or in this case, fishbox. The crowds are waiting expectantly to hear his maiden sermon. Two of them fight over a can of special brew. ‘Hear ye, Hear ye, the time of reckoning has arrived ……’ a hush descends ‘Join The Holy Order of Teuchterology and Jim McColl will dee yer garden, Robbie Shepherd will entertain ye on the accordion and Jackie Bird will give ye a soapy ti-‘ CCRRRKKKBOOOOOM!!

He who laughs in his homemade shelter, laughs last …….

Doei

# posted by Ham Shanks @ 10:42 pm