Hamish McShanks

Hamish McShanks Secret Diary w/e 20^th Feb 2006

‘Spring is in the air la la la lalalaaa’ I threw the curtains open and let the winter sunshine flood into the room. The unseasonably good weather was an unexpected bonus after waking up so early on a Saturday morning. I hate it when you’re wide awake at 8am and it’s the weekend, unless of course that’s because you’ve not finished drinking from the previous night. Although to be honest these days I would pay for such folly for the rest of the week so it aint worth pretending I’m 19 again. ‘Stick with yer coco and slippers Ham’ I hummed to myself as I descended the stairs.

The downside of the good weather was I no longer had an excuse for not tidying the garden. It was in a bit of a state and in desperate need of some TLC. My biggest job, quite literally, was the pruning. I have three trees in my back garden, I cant tell you what species they are, definitely wood, I cant be any more specific than that. What I do know is that they grow very quickly, very very quickly in fact.

I’ve been in my house for nearly a year and the trees seem to have doubled in size, ok I may be exaggerating because lets be honest I didn’t measure the smeggers when I moved in. Whatever there starting elevation two of them were now above the height of the telegraph poles. I hadn’t been brave enough to prune them in summer because I feared I might also prune the telephone cable. A great way to ingratiate yourself with the neighbours. Knock Knock ‘Hello?’, ‘Hello my names Ham I’m your new neighbour and the fanny that’s just cut through your phone line’.

But now there was no foliage on the trees and no reason not to get on with the job. Grabbing the key for the shed I headed outdoors. Despite being sunny there was still a frost on the garden and the padlock to the shed was also frozen tight. Cursing I marched back inside for some hot water. My evil twin was sitting at the kitchen table yawning ‘Are ye putting the kettle on then’, ‘Aye but no fer you, it’s for the padlock’ He gave me a withering and disbelieving glare ‘Oh that’s nice’ he replied sarcastically, ‘why not stick a couple of slices of toast on for the padlock as well then, and if the padlock cannay manage inside for a wee fly cup of tea and some toast I’ll have them’ he growled.

Some people aren’t good with hangovers; my twin is one of them. Surprising really, considering the gusto with which he piles into my drinks cabinet and hoovers back all my single malts every time he visits. Just think of an even shoddier Father Jack with less hair and slightly more swearing. I bunged a couple of rounds of bread in the toaster and headed back out.

The hot water did the trick and soon I had the saw, loppers and stepladder in position. Eight feet seemed a reasonable amount to lop off and was the limit of my equipment anyway. I’d borrowed the loppers from my older brother and they were fairly heavy duty. When I’d enquired what thickness of branch they could cut he replied ‘anything you can get them round’. I remember looking at them thinking ‘bloody hell one chop and I’ll have the tree down’.

With his helpful user guide in my mind I climbed to the top of the ladder and selected a branch about the diameter of a rolling pin. I positioned the mouth of the device around the branch and heaved the handles together. It cut about an inch and then stopped ‘Oh for feck sake‘. I tried to open the loppers up but they were stuck solid ‘c’mon you baaaastard’ I grumbled whilst twisting and wrestling the handles. The dam thing was stuck solid. My shoulders were starting to ache and the heat of the sun was making my hands sweaty.

Unfortunately the warmth of the suns rays was also defrosting the grass and it was at this point I realised I should have placed something solid under the feet of the ladder. No amount of fancy footwork was going to save the day, I was going down and it was going to be a straight k.o. Thankfully my hands had the presence of mind to cling tightly to the loppers as the steps clattered over. Regrettably this was only delaying the inevitable and now I had some nice pointy metal to land on. I darent look down as I clung grimly on. A voice piped up as I rocked gently in the breeze.

‘Enjoying yourself?’ I could hear tea being slurped noisily and the crunch of toast ‘Yes it’s lovely up here you should try it’ I replied through gritted teeth ‘Oh well if you don’t need any help then-’, ‘ok ok ok gies a hand for Christ sake’, ‘no worries bruv, you just divulge the location of the 25yr Old Macallan and I’ll get yer steps for you’, ‘Whaaat that’s 60quid a bottle you bastard!’, ‘Yes I’ve heard it’s worth every penny, nectar they say’, ‘aye well your not gonnay find out!’, ‘Fair enough, Oh did I say, I’m just popping out for a long walk, clear the old head, should be back in a couple of hours, three at the most-’, ‘right fine it’s in the cupboard under the stairs at the bottom of the toolbox’ I replied wearily.

Ever the trusting soul, he disappeared back inside to retrieve his loot as I dangled precariously from the boughs of the tree. A minute or so later he returned and erected the steps before settling down on a deckchair with my precious bottle and a glass in his hand. ‘It’s only 10 in the morning ye fecking Alkie’ I shouted as I shakily descended the steps, my loppers stuck firmly in the branches. ‘Hair of the dog sunshine, best thing for ye’, ‘kick up the backside would be the best thing for you’ I grumbled as I picked up the saw.

In light of my near death experience on the steps I decided to give the trees a proper ‘short back and sides’ with the saw. Too scared to get on the ladder it meant I was now cutting the branches just above head height. My brother was taking an avid interest as he guzzled my good whisky ‘Ye probably want to-‘, look shut it I’ve had enough from you today’ I roared. My arm was a blur as I hacked away at the tree, imagining the branch to be my brothers throat ‘aye fair enough but ye might-‘, ‘look I don’t need your advice, I don’t need you anymore’ I bellowed, angrily waving the saw at him. ‘I’m on the ground now’ I muttered before attacking the branch again. ‘Okey dokey’ he retorted smugly.

Anger is a terrible thing, it is a destructive emotion and it clouds your judgement. The sensible thing for me to do was sit down with a cup of tea until my desire to kill had subsided then calmly get on with the task in hand. But no, I let anger take control and that was always going to end in disaster.

Knock Knock ‘Hello?’, ‘Hello my names Ham, I’m your new neighbour and the fanny that’s just felled a tree on top of your greenhouse’

Doei