Hamish McShanks

Hamish McShanks Secret Diary w/e 15^th Jan 2006

January, the most dreaded of months. Thirty-one days that seem to last three hundred and thirty one. Your liver has only just recovered after two weeks of constant alcoholic abuse leaving you with a fetching yellow ‘tan’. After a month of listening to Slades ‘Merry Christmas everybody’ your goodwill no longer extends to all men. It doesn’t even extend the length of your arm. It’s driven you so mad you’re now as grumpy as a bear with a sore head. In fact you’re as grumpy as a bear with a splitting migraine whose just caught his nadgers in a bear trap and is then forced to watch his missus be given a good seeing to by another bear while he attempts to untangle his meat and two veg from the clutches of mechanical death. Having finally extracted his bruised plums, without the benefit of opposable thumbs I might add, he hobbles home to his semi-detached cave in search of a sympathetic ear and some tender loving care only to find the nuts and berries have disappeared along with the wife.

So as you can imagine January does not particularly fill me with great joy and happiness. To compound matters, payday is a distant dot on the horizon. After emptying my copper collection and following an extensive rummage under the cushions of the sofa I appraise my financial situation. It’s not good. Removing chocolate coins and foreign currency from the pile I have a budget of three pounds forty-seven pence to last me till the end of the month. A quick calculation reveals I must survive on twenty-three pence a day till my next wage packet. Challenging I think you’ll agree.

I have to say I find it particularly ironic that the month of January is actually named after the Roman God ‘Janus’ (no relation to Samantha) who is the God of beginnings, guardian of gates and doors. Often depicted with two faces because he could look forward and backwards at the same time. He is said to have ruled at a time of peace, honesty and great abundance in an era known as the Golden Age. ‘Oh we are blessed indeed’ I grumbled whilst inspecting my bare cupboards. Sadly it appeared that Mrs Hubbard had already been and legged it with what meagre rations remained after the festive gluttony. My cupboards were graced with an abundance of space and nothing else ‘Thanks Janus, Gaaawrd bless ya!’ I muttered sarcastically.

The fridge was not much better. There were a couple of furry mushrooms and a single sprout looking rather forlorn at the bottom of the vegetable bin. A sliver of mouldy cheddar and a jar of pickled onions completed the inventory. ‘Oh well the classic combination of cheese and onions what a lucky lad I am’. I will admit I do enjoy cooking and like to experiment with different ingredients but this was a bridge too far. ‘C’mon then Ainsley Harriet lets see ye make a fecking meal of this’

It always makes me laugh when I watch ready steady cook. The chefs are provided with a five pound mystery goody bag from each contestant and are challenged to create interesting and tasty cuisine in twenty minutes. ‘Oh how harsh’ I hear you cry but don’t fret they are of course allowed to use the usual store cupboard ingredients found in any home to pep it all up. Sadly my cupboards tend not to be stuffed with every fresh herb and spice you could imagine. Nor is my bread bin brimming with a selection of breads from around the world. My fridge does not overflow with milk, cream, eggs or crème fraiche and my floors are not paved with cheese!

They don’t need a fecking goodybag! There are enough ingredients in their normal cupboards and fridge to feed an army. I reckon Jesus had a ready steady cook store cupboard when he fed the five thousand ‘your healed my son! Now do you want ciabatta or the French loaf?’, ‘loaf, okay now would you like the mackerel or the plaice? I’m doing a lovely lemon sauce with the plaice?’, ‘I’ll have to hurry you, I’ve only got twenty minutes…….’.

After rustling up my mushroom, sprout, cheese and onion risotto (I found a grain of rice under the microwave) I elected to have an early night. There seemed little point in staying up as I’d already licked all the patterns off the plates. I was back to work the next day anyway so going to bed at six thirty seemed a sensible option.

The morning broke crisp and cold. Well technically it broke noisily and then crisp and cold. That one sprout could cause so much wind was a mystery to me! Surely I was breaking some fundamental law of physics as I hovered my way through to the bathroom. I decided that not caring and breathing through my mouth were the best options and carried on with my ablutions. Twenty minutes later dressed in my finest school clothes and washed behind the ears I set off for a brand new year at work.

It was when I started the car that I got another kick in the happy sack from mighty Janus ‘Oh for fu-‘ The petrol warning light came on indicating I had a gallon of fuel left at best. I was going to have to run in ‘super economy’ mode. I gingerly pulled out of my parking space and trundled slowly towards the main road. Thankfully I live at the top of the town and it’s downhill almost all the way to work. ‘Ok Ham just nurse her to the roundabout and then coast your way into work’

There seemed to be a large number of impatient drivers on the road that morning as I moved with glacial speed towards the roundabout. I was keeping my revs under a thousand to conserve fuel, which obviously meant I wasn’t exactly in danger of breaking the speed limit. Unfortunately there was a lot of oncoming traffic so overtaking opportunities for the people behind were at a premium. This may have led to the road rage incident. I was just adjusting my flat cap in the mirror when a rather large man atop a steamroller went flying past me. He was waving his fist and shouting rather loudly. I wound down my window ‘I’m sorry I didn’t catch that, I’m a what?’…..

I wound my window back up again and wiped the spittle off my face. ‘Well that was rather rude’. Apart from his singular absence of manners I wasn’t sure I could actually be all the things he’d mentioned. I’m sure some of them were mutually exclusive. Undeterred by his rudeness I swung round the roundabout and down the hill. Time to switch off the engine and coast ……….

I don’t know what’s happening in the world today, I really don’t. You try to conserve a bit of fuel and be a wee bit environmentally friendly, save the planet and reduce greenhouse gases. And what happens? A mob of motorists drags you from your vehicle and set upon you with pieces of two by four.

Three square meals a day in hospital though. That Janus works in mysterious ways….

Doei