Hamish McShanks

Hamish McShanks New Year Diary w/e 8^th Jan 2006

‘Gooood morning folks and welcome to the Craaaazy Davey Day show it’s eeeeight am on this wonderful christma-‘ A hairy arm shot out from under the duvet and swatted the alarm clock away. It was a well timed strike; most definitely ‘middled’ you could say. In fact it created sufficient momentum to skim the clock along the side of the radiator, rattling the ribs like a poor mans xylophone then ricocheting back off the window ledge and finally nose-diving into the crotch of a pair of decidedly second hand looking boxer shorts. I’d love to say it was skill and judgement that left crazy Davey mumbling away into a large skidmark in the depths of my laundry basket, but it was merely ‘serendipity’, or ‘luck’ if you haven’t swallowed a dictionary.

‘Oooooh ma heid’ I gingerly pulled the duvet away from my face and opened my eyes. Not a good move. ‘Aaaarrgh oh sweet jesus’ my eyes were on fire, every time I blinked it was like rolling my eyelids over hot grit ‘feckfeckfeck keep your eyes closed Ham’. I must have fallen asleep whilst wearing my contact lenses, now they were dried out and firmly welded to my eyes. Moisture was urgently required, eye drops preferably but tap water would do for the moment.

Blindly I stumbled through to the bathroom, my arms outstretched in front of me like Frankenstein’s monster. Frantically I fumbled for the sink. I was feeling rather disorientated which I mostly attributed to the drink ‘Where’s the fecking window sill’ I whimpered. Clearly some bastard had rearranged the bathroom suite overnight as I managed to stub my toe on a mystery piece of porcelain ‘Oooohaaaargh’ Eyes still firmly closed I bent down to massage my now broken toe and head butted the wash hand basin ‘Gnfffmmpf’ This seemed as good a point as any for a wee lie down and I crumpled into a heap on the floor.

I’m sure I wasn’t out for long. The acrid aroma pervading my nostrils was better than any smelling salts and roused me from my porcelain induced slumber. The tangy bouquet not only suggested my head was in fairly close proximity to the cludge but reminded me that despite being temporarily blind I still had four other senses. Given my location I decided to eliminate taste as an option straight away. ‘Okay Ham what’s your sense of touch telling you’ I could feel the plastic side of the bath sticking against my back and the texture of wood against my throbbing toe ‘okay Ham you’re against the bath and the door is to your left, so the window is up and to your right’

Buoyed by my unusual application of intelligence I stood up and discovered that every silver lining has a cloud. ‘Ommpfggnnnf’. Turns out I had five senses after all, I’d completely forgotten about the sense of pain. Now it was telling me the basin was still directly overhead and the growing lump on the back of my head was clamouring for attention with the half egg on my forehead. ‘At least I’m symmetrical’ I grumbled as I gingerly felt my way up the porcelain. Having located the taps I was about to rummage on the windowsill for my lens solution when I remembered the aftershave, shower gel and myriad of other bathroom products that were also on the shelf. All more than capable of inflicting even more pain in the hands of an incompetent buffoon like myself. I opted for a basin of cold water.

Eyesight restored and abloutions complete I put the kettle on and made a brew. I was heading up North for the festives and I had a three or four hour drive ahead of me. It was bitterly cold so I made up a flask for the journey. I was quite smug as I’d even had the foresight to pack the day before. We’ll gloss over the fact I hadn’t had the foresight to not go drinking or take my lenses out, lets focus on the positives eh!

I stepped out the front door of the house into a crisp white winterland. Everything was coated with frost and ice. In fact my car looked like a large white lollipop. I wasn’t bothered; I like the cold crisp mornings. Let’s be honest it never takes more than five or six minutes to defrost your motor. Just start her up, turn the heater on full bore then by the time you’ve finished scraping all the windows your car is toasty and warm.

Which is why I’ve never understood the ‘porthole’ people. You know the type; they will scrape a six inch circle on the driver’s side of the windscreen then set off! What the bloody hell are they thinking of? You cant see left or right, you cant see what’s behind you, in fact you cant see a smegging thing! Would you proactively disable yourself in this way doing anything else? Would you sit at work and cover ninety percent of the screen in post-it’s, then squint and stare at the remaining ten percent scratching your head trying to read your word document ‘look that’s a letter B and this is an A and-’ I think not.

Maybe it was because I was slightly hungover that day, maybe it was because my eyes were still nipping, maybe it was the multiple blows to the head. Who knows maybe it’s just because I have a general predisposition to being a grumpy bastard. Whatever the reason I felt compelled to intervene when the young man in the car next to mine finished his porthole and attempted to get in his car

‘In the Navy are we’ I enquired whilst grabbing his arm and thrusting it behind his back ‘what the fuooomppf’, ‘Just wondering why you’re only clearing a tiny porthole?’, ‘wh-‘, ‘Oh how silly of me you’ve got x-ray vision haven’t you’ I pushed him against the side of my car ‘gerrof me you nutter’, ‘Oh now where’s your manners’ I grabbed a white T-shirt out of my bag and thrust it over his head ‘Were just going for a walk my psychic friend’ I marched him round the corner to a busier road. He could hear the traffic thundering by ‘Right I’m going to twist this shirt round so you can only see a little bit out of the armhole then you’re going to cross the road’, ‘whaaaat’, ‘surely you can do that with your special powers?’ I said in a manic singsong kind of voice

‘You’re fecking mad’ he squealed, wriggling in my iron grip. ‘But you can drive your car on the roads without seeing anything cant you’ I replied in my best adult talking to small child voice ‘but-‘, ‘you can see through a quarter inch of solid ice’, ‘but-‘, ‘no buts sonny boy’ then I bent and whispered in his ear ‘Don’t worry Luke, just use the Force’ before pushing him hard in the back ‘Nooooooommmppff’

I know it’s not big and it’s not clever but I did snigger when he wet himself ‘you crazy bastard’ he screamed as he pulled the T-shirt off and realised I had pushed him into a parked car ‘then use your eyes you cretinous wee baaaastard’ I bellowed after him as he sprinted up the street.

I see it as a public service to educate

Doei