Hamish McShanks

Hamish McShanks Secret Diary w/e 11^th Dec 2005

‘So you’d recommend the Navtom BC9000 GTI XL in car satellite navigation system would you?’, ‘yes sir’, ‘why’s that then?’, ‘because I get the most commission for selling this model’, ‘Sorry I didn’t quite catch that?’, ‘because it has the best features for the price sir’, ‘such as?’, ‘one hundred quid in my pocket’, ‘sorry can you speak up please’, ‘certainly sir this model has the world renowned blah blah blah and of course exceptional route finding blah blah’ I’ll give him his due, he had certainly rehearsed his sales pitch. Half an hour later I looked at my watch, it was nearly midday and I had to be in Edinburgh for one so I decided to cut him short ‘ok fine I’ll take it’, ‘excellent choice sir …you sucker’

He disappeared off into the back of the shop. It was five or six minutes before he returned ‘I’m sorry sir that’s the last one we have on display’ Normally I wouldn’t touch ex-display but the unit was safely enclosed in clear Perspex so I took a chance ‘well can I have the display one then?’, ‘of course sir let me just find the box’ Before I could say anything he had done a Mr Benn and disappeared through the back again. Ten minutes later he popped his head through the door ‘wont be a minute sir just having trouble locating the box’, ‘look I’m in a bit of a hurr-‘ he’d vanished again.

It was half past twelve when he returned clutching a battered and very dusty box ‘sorry about the delay sir-‘, ‘look just shove it in it’s box and take me to the till I’m in a hurry’, ‘Oh I’m sorry Sir I’ll need to get security to remove the item from display we don’t have keys for that’, ‘WHAT! and how long will that take?’, ‘I’ll just find out sir’ , ‘Nooo don’t go-‘ but he had already vanished

I was starting to get quite tetchy. The clock was ticking both on my journey to Edinburgh and my next stroke. The clever money was on the coronary episode. It was quarter to one when Mr Benn returned ‘right sir they should be able to remove that in ten minutes or so’ (the books closed now) ‘Ten minutes!’ I burst out. He gave me a disgruntled look ‘There’s no need to take that tone sir’. Oh dear, oh dear oh dear, clearly he had failed to notice the warning signs of a gently simmering customer and had now turned up the heat. I erupted ‘TEN MINUTES! I’m supposed to be in Edinburgh in fifteen’, ‘There’s no need to shout sir’ (that’s right stoke it up)

I placed both hands on the counter and leaned forward so we were nose to nose, my face crimson with anger ‘Don’t tell me what to do sunshine and don’t get snotty with me either ye wee pre-pubescent bawsack! I don’t need satellite navigation anymore because you’ve fanny’d about for so long! Now I need warp drive or a fuuuucking time machine!’ I roared drenching him in spittle. He was leaning back and frantically fumbling under the counter ‘I’m going to have to ask you to leave sir’ he whimpered. My eyes lit up with fire ‘I would have left twenty minutes ago if I’d know ye wur a wasteooompppff’

Turns out it takes security ten minutes to remove a product from display but only thirty seconds to eject an angry customer. I did derive some satisfaction from the fact it took three of them to oust me! ‘stick it up yer aaaaarse’ I bellowed over my shoulder as I limped painfully to the car. Luckily I had printed off the directions as a Plan B, now I just had to find a rent in the space time continuum and I could make it.

‘Ok Ham it’s nearly ten to one and you’ve got thirty seven miles to cover in ten minutes’ …….. ‘okay Ham it’s nine minutes to one you’ve been crying for a minute and you’ve still got thirty seven miles to cover’ I gunned the engine ‘let’s roll’…

Getting out of the shopping centre via the conventional route was going to take too long so I elected for a ‘short-cut’ over a flowerbed and through a flimsy fence. The fence disintegrated with pleasurable ease but did manage to hang on to a sizeable portion of my exhaust. I was happy for the reduction in weight although it now sounded like I was driving a tractor.

I was battering down the bypass heading for the motorway when I saw some flashing blue lights in the rear view mirror ‘Oh feck’ it would seem my little off road excursion had not gone unnoticed. I think my ejection from store must have involved a few head shots because instead of pulling over and proffering a lame but grovelling apology to the boys in blue I yanked the rear view mirror from the windscreen and tossed it out the window ‘la lalala laa I cant see you lalala’. Then I put the pedal to the metal ‘ha ha you’ll never take me alive copper!’

Junction 11 roundabout was approaching at great speed, I managed to swerve round a couple of slower vehicles but I was coming in a bit too hot for my exit, or indeed any exit. Another off road adventure removed the rest of the exhaust and the front bumper as I careered straight over the top ‘Oooooh mummy’ I heaved the steering wheel round in an effort to get on to the motorway, I was partially successful in that I was on the M9. The problem was I was heading south on the northbound carriageway.

Thankfully my playstation 1 Colin McRae Rally experience came to the fore as I sped up the hard shoulder ‘Okay Ham stay positive, you’ve lost the Feds! Okay so your melting up the hard shoulder on the wrong carriageway of the motorway at 95mph and if you hit anything you’ll be chunky salsa but you’ve lost the Feds’ It’s amazing how difficult it is to see a silver lining at times like these and I rolled down the window to let the smell of my anxiety dissipate.

Fortunately it was only three or four miles before I found a slip road back off the motorway. Okay we’ll gloss over the fact it wasn’t actually an exit! But I did manage to miss the oncoming vehicles and get back onto the correct side of the road. Unfortunately I’d picked up quite a lot of debris on my wheels, at least two of my tyres were now nearly flat and the rear bumper had also gone for a burton ‘Only a few miles to go Ham, you can make it, you can make it’

It was ten past one as I screeched to a stop in the car park. The plumes of black smoke coming from my car obscuring my arrival. I grabbed my kitbag and jumped out, Kenny was standing at the front door ‘Am I too late’, ‘No need to rush Ham the games cancelled they cannay find the key to the equipment cupboard’, ‘what?’ I whimpered grabbing on to the lapels of his jacket and pulling him towards me ‘aye apparently the Janitor cannay find them and- can you hear sirens Ham? .. Ham? …. Ham?’

You aint seen me …..right!

Doei