Hamish McShanks

Hamish McShanks Secret Diary – w/e 22^nd May 2005

Bang bang bang!, thump thump thump bang thump ‘Ach’ saw saw saw, thump thump ‘feck’. Two hours of noisy industry, half an hour of foul mouthed swearing, forty-five minutes of sobbing tears and my aquarium stand was finally finished. I looked from the picture on the box to the completed article and back again ‘Hmmm’ there weren’t a great deal of similarities ‘Ach it’ll be fine, it’s probably supposed to lean like that’

The aquarium itself required no assembly, which was just as well. I fitted the filter and heater without incident. Now I just had to fill it with water. This was when I realised the largest jug I had held 300ml and my aquarium needed 36 litres of water ‘Oh marvellous, bloody marvellous’. One hundred and twenty journeys later my ‘Bio-Orb’ was full. ‘Right, just need to add these water treatment chemicals and Robert is your mothers brother’ I tipped the sachet into the orb and went to put the kettle on.

When I returned my aquarium looked like it had just popped a couple of alka-seltzer. There was a definite plink, plink, fecking fizz going on. Large sticky bubbles were fizzing about madly inside, threatening to push the lid off. ‘Oh feck’ I grabbed the packet and feverishly read the instructions my eyes flashing left to right as I struggled to speed read. The more intelligent of you would be correct in suggesting that it might have been prudent to read the user instructions beforehand. To you I would simply say ‘feck off’ and ‘life is an adventure!’, ‘now if you’ll excuse me I have to fix this mains electrical appliance while I have a bath’

As it turned out this effervescence was a perfectly normal reaction and there was no need for me to soil my underwear (now they tell me) Now all I had to do was wait another 24hrs and then ‘add fish’.

I’d elected to set up a ‘tropical’ aquarium. I’d like to say it’s because tropical fish are smaller and more colourful. They are also more challenging to care for and therefore provide a greater sense of reward and satisfaction when reared successfully. Thus providing the owner with a feeling of inner peace and tranquillity Or I may just have seen them as I strolled through the garden centre looking for a bag of compost. My attention may have been drawn by the sight of shiny colourful things. I may have dropped my compost and run across the store like a sugar rushed five year old and pressed my nose against the tank shouting ‘cooooool’ before impulsively buying three on the spot. But the reasons aren’t important now.

Apparently (I’m an expert now of course) the maximum ‘fish capacity’ of your aquarium is all to do with your bacteria. Well not your bacteria obviously but the bacteria in your water. Ye see ye need these wee beasties in the water to break doon all the fish jobbies! The more keech you have the more bacteria are required to break it down. A good way to think of it is like the difference between a man and a woman using the toilet.

Coldwater fish are bigger and produce huge big steaming logs just like yer dad does. They spend a good half hour squeezing one out in a quiet corner of your aquarium. Then mumble ‘I’d leave that five minutes if I were you’ before blaming the shrimps for the smell and swimming off in another direction.

Tropical fish however are a bit like girls. They are smaller and therefore produce much less waste. Tropicals are the model of brevity; drop knickers, deposit waste, flush toilet, clean toilet from top to bottom, wash hands and leave! All in less time than it takes a man to unfold his newspaper. Hence the reason I plumped for the fragrant and delightful tropicals

The instructions for releasing my fish were written in large bold print on the side of the bag. a) First leave bag in water for 20 minutes for temperatures to equal ‘ya de ya ya’ b) Then hold bag open with clothes peg and gently mix with some tank water ‘blah blah blah’ c) To avoid stress introduce fish gently and on no account introduce you’re your fish directly into your aquarium ‘Hmmmm’.

I folded up the bag and stuffed it in the bin then headed off for a quick look at the three fish I’d just tipped directly into my tank. ‘Ach they are deein fine’ Ok so they seemed a bit lethargic and were floating quite close to the surface but I could see their fins gently convulsing. They seemed to perk up after I switched the heater and air pump on.

My all in one aquarium pack also came with a complimentary packet of fish food. I knew that nutrition was important so this time I read the instructions before I continued. ‘Hinorasaki floating fish food, hmmm’, ‘Feed your fish 2-3 times daily blah blah blah as much as they can eat blah blah’ that seemed enough information. ‘Okey dokey’ I cut the packet open and gently sprinkled some pellets into the water. My hungry little tetras gobbled up the pellets so I added a few more, and then a little more…..

A couple of days later I couldn’t help but notice that the water in my aquarium had taken on a green tinge. I say tinge but tinge would suggest at some form of transparency. Visibility was about 3mm ‘Hmmm’ I consulted the manual that came with my bio-orb ….. ‘Aaaah’ ….. ‘Oh dear’ …. ‘bugger’. Turns out the advice in the manual disagreed somewhat with the marketing blurb on my packet of fish food.

‘Over feeding is the most common cause of aquarium failure’ I looked at the green sludge that was masquerading as water. Closer examination revealed the smallest of my tetras floating belly up on the surface. Mouth to mouth was not overly successful as my lungs are a tad bigger than that of a ‘Neon Tetra’. After my failed first aid I placed what fragments of fish that were left in the bin. Whistling the ‘last post’ as the lid of the bin snapped closed ‘I wont forget you …. eeer blinky!’.

I managed to fish out most of the ‘floating pellets’ which clearly didn’t float nearly as well as the packet would suggest having formed a thick submarine compost. The fish might even have recovered if I hadn’t elected to administer an emergency ‘dram’ to the remaining two. Wasn’t quite the pick me up I had hoped for…..

‘At the going down of the sun …..’ it was all rather tearful and the noise of the flip top bin clack clacking slowly shut will haunt me for a long time …. sniff …. sniff ..

Doei