Hamish McShanks

Hamish McShanks Secret Diary w/e 15^th May 2005

I raised a hand to shield my eyes from the blazing sun, my face pulled into a grimace as I squinted to make out a distant object on the horizon. My feet dragged over the rough ground. It was baked hard as clay cutting into my bare feet as I shuffled closer. I blinked and looked again as a familiar shape came into view. Could it really be? A tearful smile broke out across my face causing my parched and blistered lips to crack painfully ‘Oh thank god’ I mumbled ‘it’s a miracle’

A few more steps and I stumbled into my saviours arms ‘Thankyou….thankyou thankyou..’, ‘Gerroff ye big nancy’ I was pushed roughly away ‘for pities sake min, ah’ve only been gone ten minutes!’ He was clutching a six pack of beer ‘and I told ye to put sun cream on ye divvy’ He tossed a can in my direction ‘yer a tube!’ and with that he stomped off into the house as I hungrily guzzled my can of beer (just what ye need when yer dehydrated, alcohol)

The sun. A rather large star located at the centre of our solar system. A whopping great spinning ball of hot gas and nuclear reactions. A yellow star 93 million miles away that our teeny little planet orbits once a day. The light produced from this hydrogen bomb allowing life on earth to survive and also keeping us toastie and warm. Ok so we don’t actually see the sun very often in bonny Scotland but when we do it’s still the same one that we spend lots of dough chasing in Spain, Barbados, Rio and the like.

So why oh why are we always caught out when the sun does make it’s biannual visit to Scotland? We always get sunburnt. Or as in the case of my next door neighbour ‘vestburn’. He’s an elderly chap in this sixties and he must have been out soaking up some sun whilst wearing this natty undergarment. The milk bottle white silhouette was a dead give away. Undeterred by his lobster coloured arms, neck and face our avid sunbather was now going bare chested, thereby able to reap the full benefit of the suns cancer inducing rays. At least he had covered his crimson heid. Although I fear the knotted hanky was a day too late.

I wasn’t in a position to mock having been caught out myself, although in my defence I don’t have the ideal skin type for a tan. Not much of a defence I’ll admit seeing as it’s the same skin I’ve always had so maybe Alheizemers would be a better defence. Anyway I didn’t actually realise but there is an official scale for skin types (when it comes to sun tolerance) The scale runs from one to six. One being freckly green eyed ginger folk with milky white skin through to six for those of an ebony hue. Given my heat tolerance I think I’m probably about minus ten and transparent.

I was feeling particularly light headed after wolfing down my can of super strength Spar lager and I tottered back towards the house. My Bruv was sat on the sofa cracking open a tinny and watching the telly. He glanced up as I entered, a picture of crimson pain ‘Oh Christ I’d have bought some marshmallows if I’d known’, ‘Ha ha yer nae funny’, ‘Stand back a bit will you yer warming up ma beer’, ‘shut it’, ‘Can we plug ye into the national grid?’ he sniggered. I proffered a sunburnt middle finger before stomping up the stairs his laughter ringing in my ears.

I managed to locate an ancient bottle of after sun in the medicine cabinet, it was four years out of date but beggars can’t be choosers. After an exceptionally enjoyable ice cold shower I applied liberal quantities on my crispy aromatic arms and face. The cream didn’t seem to be getting absorbed into my skin. Despite claims on the bottle that ‘This rich, soothing cream moisturizes and regenerates simultaneously’, ‘Oh aye’ and ‘Instant Repair After Sun Cream will have skin supple and calm in no time. Leaving you free to spend time in the sun, having fun and remaining beautiful and guilt-free (Active Ingredients: witch hazel, vitamin E, gingko biloba)’ I don’t know what the hell gingko biloba is but they obviously forgot the magic beans and stardust.

I finished reading the lies on the side of the container and glanced in the mirror ‘oh great’ I looked like a negative of Al Jolson. My entire face was the brilliant white apart from a pair of crispy eyelids and my bloody cracked lips ‘Marvellous, ah better get a cloak, learn to play the organ and hide in the fecking basement then’

I stared at the mirror for another few minutes but it was no use it just wasn’t being ‘absorbed invisibly’ into my skin. Despite my efforts to ‘will’ the cream into my skin by the power of my mind it remained stubbornly visible and if anything looked like it was forming a thick crust. ‘Bastards’ I sighed and trudged down the stairs.

A large pizza box and a number of empty cans were strewn across the coffee table. My brother had his head buried inside the box, obviously ferreting about for the slice with most pepperoni ‘Oh I ordered a pizz-‘ it was at this point he looked up ‘Wooohooo ha ha! Gonnay give us a moonwalk then Jacko?’, ‘you still here then’ I replied ‘No no no I tell a lie it’s Franken-N- Furter! Where’s yer sussys? Ha Ha haaaa’ I ignored his snorting laughter and picked up a slice of pizza ‘You know ye can feck off anytime ye like’

He was laughing so much his own face was going crimson, in fact his eyes were bulging out of his head as his hands scrabbled at his throat ‘mmm…c.c.hok..ing’, ‘Hmm what’s that’ He was wheezing quite badly now ‘ppp..hkkk.i.zzagg’, ‘bit of pizza go down the wrong way did it son?’ He was making a funny burbling noise as he slid off the sofa ‘Oh c’mon I wasn’t born yesterday’, ‘Aggk.k.k…astard’ I glanced down and his face was purple

‘Oh Shiiiiiit’ I heaved him into an upright position and wrapped my arms under his ribcage pulling hard. A piece of partially digested pepperoni shot out of his swollen purple puss. It ricocheted off the fireplace and landed on the carpet picking up a nice coating of dog hair on the way. I dropped him on the floor and he lay on his side sucking in huge lungfuls of air. I sat back and munched on a slice of pizza as I watched his face gradually turn a more normal pinkish colour ‘Fecking hell that was scary’ he wheezed before retrieving the piece of pepperoni and washing it down with a mouthful of beer.

Classy………

Doei