Hamish McShanks

Hamish McShanks Secret Dairy w/e 24^th April 2005

Bridget felt a gust of wind on her back just as the wooden shutter slammed noisily against the window frame. The sound made her jump and she spun round to see the linen drape billowing wildly into the room. Quickly composing herself she got up and strode towards the window pulling the cloth back and staring out. Satisfied there was nothing to be found she relaxed. Closing the window and pulling the drapes across the window she returned to her dressing table ‘Oh yer too late now luv far too late’ I knew there was a creature of the night hiding in the corner of her room. I’d seen him climbing down the chimney in the previous scene.

I munched nervously on my popcorn thinking ‘you poor simple child’ as the vampire moved silently behind her. The music was building to a crescendo (as if we needed it) she was brushing her long golden hair oblivious to the imminent danger behind. ‘Turn round ye daft bint’ I shouted at the TV, popcorn spraying across the carpet, ‘vampires don’t have a reflection ye stupid woman’. Still he approached. Still she hummed a tune and brushed her hair ‘for gods sake how long have ye lived in Transylvania!’

The vampire reached out, both hands edging slowly towards her shoulders. He leaned forward his eager mouth opening wide to reveal razor sharp incisors. I was munching fast, my heart racing despite the womans obvious stupidity and lack of basic occult precautions in a vampire infested region of the world.

‘Behind ye’ I yelled. His glistening teeth were about to pierce her skin when a hand grabbed my shoulder ‘FFFFFUUUCKINELL!’ Before I could move clammy fingers ran down the side of my face ‘OH SWEET JEEESSSUUUSSS!’ my popcorn was all over the floor I’d tipped my bottle of beer down my shirt and a minor bowel tremor had left it’s mark in my underwear.

I swivelled round to fend off my attacker only to see the £5.99 coconut palm I’d purchased from B&Q hanging limply in it’s pot. The cane had given way and the whole lot had landed on top of me. I’d been so engrossed in the movie I hadn’t noticed it’s slow but terminal decline ‘Bloody cheap keech’ I grumbled as I shuffled through to the kitchen gingerly pulling my jeans from my skin ‘should have lashed oot fer the fecking banana plant’ I continued whilst peeling off my soiled clothes and depositing them in the laundry basket. I wasn’t in the mood for the rest of the film. Terror’s only funny when it’s happening to other people.

I turned in after making an extended check of all the doors and windows. I’d pulled the deadbolt on the front door and jammed one of the dining chairs under the handle. Despite living in central Scotland I pulled on my garlic collar and tucked a wooden stake under my pillow. There might not be many vampires in Stirling but a mallet a big stick and some scary vitamins probably work on Neds too. I eventually fell into a fitful sleep dominated by bizarre dreams involving scantily clad female vampires that I clearly wont go into here for the sake of public decency. Suffice to say there were two ‘wooden stakes’ in the bed when I was eventually awoken.

It was about 4am when I was roused by the sound of running water. At first I thought it was still a dream, there had been four of us on the waterbed after all …. eeer I digress. Despite the noise I wasn’t yet fully awake. In fact I was in a semi-lucid dithering stupor struggling with an overfull bladder and the eternal dilemma of whether to try and hold on in agony for another three hours or just get out of my comfy warm bed and have a leak. The sudden realisation that my bathroom might be flooding prompted me to shoot up out of bed. Well I would have shot out of bed had I not being wearing a garlic necklace that had trapped itself on the headboard and succeeded in garrotting me as I leapt up ‘Uuumppfffgnnnn’

After a brief pause to regain my breath and untangle my choker chain I legged it to the bathroom. It was thankfully dry but I could still hear running water. The sound seemed to be coming from downstairs. I galloped down the stairs and through to the kitchen. The noise was louder here but despite an expansive search under the sink and behind the washing machine everything was bone dry. My bladder gave me a painful reminder that everything was going to be far from dry if I didn’t get to the toilet fast.

After possibly the most blissful two minutes of my life I remembered about my other liquid problem. I wasn’t about to start raking about outside for mysterious noises in the dark of night. There could be scary monsters out there! Things with tentacles and multiple eyes and ‘oooohhhh muuuuum!’

It’s quite sad nearly thirty-seven years old and still I managed to put the wind up myself. Within ten seconds of the phrase ‘scary monsters’ entering my head I was sprinting back up the stairs like a gazelle. Scared to look over my shoulder in case they were closing on me. I leapt into bed and pulled the duvet over my head. I was mildly concerned as my duvet was only eleven tog and convention dictates a twelve and a half tog duvet is minimum adequate protection against a slavering beast from the underworld. So just to be sure I piled a couple of pillows on top.

Thankfully I’d had the foresight to put a torch in my bedside cabinet. Ostensibly this was for ‘emergencies’ i.e. power cuts. But if ravenous monsters’ hiding under your bed isn’t an emergency then quite frankly I don’t know what is! I fumbled about in the top drawer and eventually located it. ‘Okay okay everyone knows light kills monsters under the bed’ I took a couple of deep breaths and flung off the duvet ‘Aaaaaarrgh’ I screamed as I shone the torch under the bed ‘Aaaaarrghooohhmummy’ neither the spirit nor the flesh were willing. All the irrational fears of a seven year old came flooding back and I cacked it!

Morning didn’t come soon enough. I was bleary eyed and trembling as the first rays of the sun came through the window. The edge of the bed was in tatters where I’d been jabbing at the monsters with the wooden stake. I’d managed to pull the rest of the furniture beside the bed to trap them underneath. That way they could only come out that one corner ‘Hmm mmm have to get up earlier than that to catch out ole Ham’ I muttered as I rocked back and forth on my bed.

And the source of the noise that woke me? Cold light of day revealed the small ‘water feature’ my neighbour added to his back garden. A fishpond complete with bubbling brook. Thank you so very much ground force.

Doei