Hamish McShanks

Hamish McShanks Secret Diary – w/e 17^th April 2005

We sat in the car as the rain continued to bucket down outside. I could just make out the doors of the warehouse as rivers of water poured down the windscreen giving my vehicle a long overdue clean. A fierce gale was buffeting the car from side to side as dark clouds continued to gather overhead ‘nice day for it’ I said sarcastically. My brother ignored me and continued entering the number into his mobile phone. I glanced at my watch, it was nearly eleven am.

‘So he’s meeting us at ten is he?’ my brother didn’t even look up ‘Ten in the morning I presume?’ I continued whilst theatrically tapping my watch and placing it against one ear. My brother looked up and gave me a withering glare ‘that’s a digital watch ye fanny if ye can hear a noise it’s probably your brain cell rattling about, If you actually have one of course’. I sheepishly lowered my arm and stared sullenly at the steering wheel.

We had been sitting for nearly an hour and I’m not the most patient of people at the best of times. I leant back and gazed at the pattern on the roof for a while. Gradually unfocusing my eyes and trying to get that funny 3d effect you can get with repetitive geometric patterns. Well I did until it worked, at which point I went cross eyed and felt rather queasy ‘Ooooh bloody hell’ I pitched forward and clutched the wheel, holding on grimly until my sight returned ‘What’s wrong with you now?’, ‘I was jus-‘, ‘would ye just sit still for christ sake!’

I nearly retorted with ‘Ooooh listen to her’ but I didn’t think he was in a particularly humorous mood so I bit my lip. The weather showed no signs of breaking and he wasn’t getting any joy on the phone. I started tapping on the steering wheel, one finger then two, tap tap tappity tap taptaptap tappity, dum dum tap tappity dum dum dum. I was upping the tempo to match the rhythm of the tune in my head. It was half way through ‘Highway to Hell’ when his hand shot out and grabbed my finger bending it sharply backwards ‘Ooohyafuuuuu-‘, ‘don’t drum your fingers please, it’s very very irritating’, ‘mmnngnnff’ I whimpered as he gave my finger one last sharp twist before releasing me.

‘fnnbaastard’ I muttered under my breath trying to rub some life back into my aching finger. He was already ignoring me, back on his mobile trying to contact the missing auctioneer. We were supposed to be picking up a bureau he had bought two days before. Being the nice brother I am I’d offered to pick it up for him. I was now regretting my kind gesture but managed to console myself with the mental image of taking a long run up and kicking him up the ar*e as he carefully dusted his new bureau. ‘Note to self: hobnailed boots’ I thought as I took an even longer run up.

Another ten minutes passed. I started idly flicking my tongue against the roof of my mouth ‘Cluuuck chhlluck aaah’, ‘Chlluuck chluuck clucck ah’, ‘Chluu….’ I could feel his stare boring into the side of my head ‘ye can bloody well pack that in as well’. Beyond caring now I looked him straight in the eye and made a long drawn out shhhchlluuuckkking noise. Well it would have been long and drawn out if he hadn’t slapped me in the puss. The gloves were off, thirty plus years of sibling rivalry came to the fore and we started knocking lumps out of each other.

‘I’ll gie ye clucking ye blubbery fat git’ wrapping my arm round his neck and rubbing my knuckles hard across the top of his heid ‘Ohhyaahbas .. in yer dreams chookboy’ he retorted whipping an elbow deftly into my Adams apple. ‘aaaggchhhhh.k.k.k’ I had to release my grip as I struggled for breath and clawed at my throat. He followed up with a vicious chop to the back of my neck, or where my neck would have been had I not twisted sideways and dodged the blow. Enjoyable though it was watching him karate chop the gear stick and whimper in pain I had no time to gloat. I went for a sharp poke in the eye followed by a twist of the nose. It was no more than a girly twist though and he slammed the heel of his hand into my sternum knocking the wind out of me.

‘Oggnnnffmm’ my head sagged to my chest I was limp and helpless. He quickly inserted a finger in each nostril whipping my head up and pulling his fist back ready to administer the coup de gras ‘Ah’ll gie ye cluck ya bas-‘. Just then there was a tap tap tap on the window ‘Mr Shanks? Is that you?’ That was just the diversion I needed, as he turned to see who was at the window I took the opportunity to play my joker card and punched him firmly in the testicles ‘Gnnmmfff’ He folded up in a burbling heap ‘Check and mate I believe’

The auctioneer was slightly taken aback at the altercation occurring in his parking lot but after a hasty explanation, much waving of the receipt and threats of litigation he decided it was easier just to get rid of us by fetching the bureau.

He prised open the warehouse doors and I gazed across the room. It was completely packed from top to bottom ‘so where is it?’ I enquired ‘it’s across there’ my brother mumbled pointing towards the far corner of the room ‘Up the top’, ‘What on top of all that lot!’, ‘Aye well I’d give you a hand but I cannay straighten up yet’ he grumbled whilst hobbling slowly behind me.

I was feeling slightly guilty about going for the ‘nuclear option’ during our earlier disagreement so I thought the least I could do was get his damm bureau. There was a fair amount of furniture in the way ‘bloody typical it’s always the one at the back’ I moaned as I fought my way through a forest of chair legs. I struggled to squeeze underneath a couple of sideboards ‘Is it this one?’, ‘No No No it’s much further back than that’ he replied. I trekked onwards traversing a large mirrored wardrobe and scaling a rather large grandfather clock that was blocking my path. After nearly ten minutes of tunnelling and climbing I reached the far corner of the room ‘Which one is it again?’ I puffed as the sweat ran down my back and I toiled to regain my breath.

‘Oh it’s this one here’ came a faint voice from the warehouse door. The Auctioneer was shutting the back door of my car and I could see the bureau nestling in the back. My brother seemed to have made a miraculous recovery. He shook the auctioneers hand before jumping in the car. He turned to wave out the window grinning broadly as he started up the car ‘Don’t worry though it’s only four miles to Perth and you should be able to get a train from there’ and then he was gone in a plume of tyre smoke. My fecking tyre smoke!

You can chose your friends ……

Doei