Monday, March 21, 2005

 

Hamish McShanks Secret Diary - PArt 35

Hamish McShanks Secret Diary – w/e 20th March 2005

Ffffsttt glug glug glug ‘Aaaaah that’s the ticket’ a blizzardly cold beer, a comfy chair and rugby on the telly. What more could a man want? I settled down on my lazee-boy recliner munching on some crisps, revelling in the feeling of being encased in sumptuous soft leather ‘A wee kick back I think’. I leaned over to pull the lever…..

The lazee-boy has a silky smooth reclining action; it’s almost a sensual experience as you slowly transfer from elegant upright comfort into decadent horizontal luxury. Well it is if you’ve assembled your lazee-boy correctly. If on the other hand you’ve been a bit slapdash because you were in a hurry to watch the rugby then the motion is more akin to skydiving out of an aeroplane backwards. ‘Right here we go then, just a wee tug here andoooaaaargggooommpffff.

Dignity is hard to find when your lying on your back with your chest covered in crisps and your bottle of blizzardly cold beer now soaking it’s way through the crotch of your jeans. Sympathy is also at a premium when your family are involved. My twin brother came in from the kitchen to see me lying with my back on the floor and my legs draped over the base of the lazee-boy. He stepped over the debris picking up the crisps and parked himself on the sofa before glancing down ‘Training to be an astronaut are ye?’, ‘HA bloody ha’ I grumbled as I pulled myself upright.

Ye look like ye’ve had a wee accident there son’, ‘It’s ok, I just need to fit the top bit back on again, it’ll be fine’, ‘more than can be said for yer jeans, shall I nip out for some pampers or are ye on the pull-ups yet?’ I ignored his sniggering and hobbled towards the door, wet denim clinging uncomfortably to my thighs ‘Oh look it’s John Wayne as I live and breathe’ he roared. I gave him the finger before gingerly climbing the stairs trying to keep the chaffing to a minimum.

When I returned Scotland were already 20 points down ‘Aaaw for fecks sake, I’m off to the shops’ My brother just grunted and cracked open another tinny. ‘Want anything?’ I enquired. He gave me a quizzical look ‘Like some beer’ I hinted whilst muttering ‘that you’ve paid for’ under my breath. ‘Naw there’s plenty beer in the fridge’ he replied. ‘Yes I know I bought it’ I replied coldly. I waited for a response but he was studiously ignoring me and intent on excavating his nose. He seemed to have encountered a particularly rich seam of bogeys as I stormed out the front door.

I headed for the big shopping centre on the outskirts of town. Having recently become a homeowner I needed a few bits ‘n’ bobs to make my house a ‘home’. It is a fairly big centre but it can’t be more than 5 minutes walk from end to end. Unlike the lazy gelatinous blobs that drive their cars ‘between’ the shops I elected to park in the middle and walk. ‘Hmmm curtains first I think’.

How hard can curtains be? With hindsight I think the woman was trying to justify her job either that or she was having a laugh. ‘Hello sir how can I help?’, ‘I’m looking for some curtains’, ‘What sort of curtains?’, ‘Well I-‘, ‘lined curtains, unlined curtains, tab top curtains, eyelet curtains, voile panels’, ‘I’m not really sure-‘, ‘What material did you have in mind?’, ‘I hadn’t really th-‘, ’faux suede, taffeta, chenille, jacquard?’, ‘or did you want blackout curtains?’, ‘Blackout’ I enquired ‘are we still at war?’ She gave me a withering look ‘they keep out the light’, ‘oh yes of course’ I mumbled

The next three quarters of an hour was a lecture on co-ordinates, width, drop and the importance of pleats. I was losing the will to live when another assistant came over to ask my torturer a question ‘one moment Janice I’m with a cust-‘ this was my window of opportunity and I wasn’t going to waste it. Despite the atrophy in my muscles after an hour standing being bored to tears I was gone. A whippet on speed wouldn’t have caught me, although a whippet on speed probably wouldn’t have run headlong into an advertising barrier and gone arse over tit into some bushes.

Not that I let a few broken teeth or a mouthful of dog turd slow me down one little bit. I’d glanced over my shoulder and spotted her waving fabric samples at the front door ‘Sir sir I haven’t told you about our tiebacks yet’, ‘No fear luv’ I gasped as I legged it across the car park my lungs burning as I set a new world record for the 150 metre dash.

Next on the list was ‘Shower enclosure’. After last weeks near death experience I’d decided to revamp the bathroom i.e. Rip out the bath and hack it to pieces with an axe. Ok so a non-slip bath mat would have been a cheaper and simpler solution but I needed ‘closure’ and a frenzied psychotic attack on an inanimate object does it for me. There’s something very therapeutic about destruction, I’d created a 40,000 piece 3D plastic jigsaw. Sweet!

I’m not the smallest of blokes so I wanted to get the largest shower enclosure I could afford. I popped into homebase because I knew they had a sale on. Initial signs were very promising, there were a large number of very attractive funky looking enclosures. Groovy walk-in jobs that wouldn’t have looked out of place in Star Trek. There were no prices on display so I beckoned a sales assistant across

‘Hello I wonder could you tell me how much this enclosure is?’, ‘Certainly sir that one there is 700 pounds’, ‘for a shower!’ I gasped ‘No if you want the tray and the shower as well it comes to 1100 pounds’, ‘Eleven hundred notes!’ She must have sensed the anguish in my voice or possibly the waxen look on my face or more likely picked up the recognizable odour associated with a sudden relaxation in sphincter muscle.

We do have a slightly cheaper one over here’ she blurted out whilst waving her brochure frantically in front of her and gagging for breath. She took me downstairs to the storeroom. ‘I think this is more you sir’ she said pulling a dust sheet off what can only be described as a white fibreglass coffin, albeit a coffin with a built in watering can ‘This is our economy model and prices start at 299.99 for cold water feed only’, ‘it comes with a handle on the outside only and a glass panel is extra I’m afraid’, ‘hmm hmm’ I giggled ‘Are you alright sir’, ‘mm mm ha haaaa, I’m fine, fine’, ‘Is there anything else I can help you with?

‘Well yes, yes there is, I wonder if you could point me in the direction of your glues?’

Doei


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