Hamish McShanks

Hamish McShanks Secret Diary w/e 6^th March

The dashboard was strewn with old newspapers, empty coffee cups and chocolate wrappers. A ‘blonde’ page three girl was strategically placed so her silicon duffle bags were on display and a selection of empty crisp packets finished the effect off nicely. I was quite pleased; we had definitely captured the ‘White Van Man’ look.

We also tried to get into character by leering and wolf whistling at passing women. With somewhat limited success I will admit. The first ‘girl’ we whistled at tripped over her Zimmer frame whilst turning round trying to locate the noise. To make matters worse the old bird keeled backwards over a hedge while attempting to adjust the volume on her hearing aid and disappeared from view. That seemed as good a point as any to quickly roll up the windows and hide behind our papers. Friday lunchtime in Dunblane is not the place for ‘totty’ well not unless you’re Wayne Rooney.

We were waiting for the keys to my new house. I had enlisted the help of a friend from work, why carry boxes yourself when you can pretend to be phoning the solicitor as your pal lugs all the heavy stuff in to the back of the van that’s what I say. ‘Aye ah’ll be with you in a minute, just talking to my solicitor’ (as you listen to the mp3 player on your groovy new phone) I was nearly caught out when Scotty heard me humming along to a particularly catchy tune ‘Oh aye ah’m on hold just now while he looks up some legal stuff’ He gave me a suspicious look whilst struggling out with another big box of books, sweat pouring off his brow ‘Bloody typical eh’ I said raising my eyebrows in an exasperated fashion and pointing at my phone ‘hmmm mmm mmm la la laaa…’

Surprisingly enough my ‘solicitor’ completed the transaction just as he loaded the last box in the back of the van. I walked over to where Scott was sitting, drenched in sweat and rubbing his aching back ‘Good news, we can pick up the keys now’ I shut the back doors and started her up ‘Cmon Scotty don’t dawdle pal there’s work to be done’. A picture says a thousand words; a hand gesture would seem to say two.

In my defence I did buy the lunch and considering the number of carrier bags I came out the bakers with I may well have been cheaper hiring a removal firm.

Munch munch … rustle rustle …. Munch munch …. Rustle …. ‘Buuurrrrp oooh better oot than in eh’ rustle rustle ‘Gies the Irn Bru fat boy’. Scotty looked up from his paper ‘Who are you calling fat ye lardbucket?’ I gave him an astonished look ‘Sorry how many pies have ye just guzzled?’, ‘Four, what’s your point caller?’ I dropped my newspaper in exasperation ‘Four family steak pies and yer calling me fat!’, ‘it says four on the packet!’ he exclaimed waving the empty wrappers in my face. ‘I think if you take a closer look at the packaging my portly friend you’ll see it actually says serves four’ He stared at the wrapper then went very quiet, his face turning crimson ‘the writing could be a bit bigger’ he mumbled. I shook my head and went back to my paper.

Unfortunately for me it was at this point he recalled the division of labour to date ‘Hey I’ve done all the work anyway ye lazy git’, ‘No, not true I’m afraid’, ‘You haven’t lifted a finger ye lazy baldy bloater!’, ‘Another lie’ He looked at me askance ‘I drove the van’ I replied. The rest of the move was a much harder what with me being on my own…..

Furniture was less of an issue; I’d managed to procure a two-seater sofa and a ‘lazy boy’ recliner from two friends at work. Admittedly the seller of the lazy boy was having trouble parting with it ‘You’ll look after her wont you’ he pleaded ‘Yes yes I promise’, ‘She doesn’t like to be too close to the fire’, ‘right, gotcha, not close to the fire’, ‘Oh but she does like the fire’ he blurted out ‘just not too close’, ‘ok I’ll be very carefu-’ ‘And you should give her a wipe down with a mild solution of soapy water once a week’ he interrupted ‘Yes of course, I understand’ I replied in a soothing voice. I did my best to placate him whilst his missus pried his fingers off the arm of the chair. The tears were all rather unseemly and I could hear him scrabbling at the back door as I drove away.

It wasn’t till I went furniture hunting for my brother that I realised how lucky I’d been buying it from friends. We scanned the small ads for chesterfield sofas and came up with four potentials. All in ‘good or excellent condition’ and all within his budget. I closed the paper stood up and punched the air with my first ‘To the batmobile da da da de de de daaah’ My brother just shook his head and walked out the room ‘Yer a bloody eedjit’ I slowly dropped my arm and trailed out after him.

The first sofa was described as ‘Excellent condition for age’ shame they hadn’t mentioned what age. It was indeed in excellent condition …. for a pre-Cambrian sofa. I could certainly imagine a Neanderthal sitting on this freshly stuffed mammoth scratching his baws waiting for someone to invent television. ‘Eeer were here to see the sofa’, ‘Aye that’s it boys’. This is when having your brothers mobile number on speed dial comes in really handy. My bruv answered the phone ‘What, a fire you say, okay we had better go right now then, thank you’ he said in a very loud and stilted voice as we both backed out of the house and legged it to the car.

The second place was no better. Another sofa described as ‘good condition’. We knocked on the door and a wizened old man emerged. ‘Awright lads, yer here aboot the sofa ah’ll just open the garage for ye’ Alarm bells ringing ‘It’s a wee bit dusty’ There go the sirens now ‘Don’t mind the smell the dugs a wee bit incontinent’ Claxen rattling itself off the wall. We looked down at the sofa, a long way down.

Stop me if I’m wrong but I was under the impression that a sofa should allow you to sit down. To me ‘sitting’ is when the portion of you leg above the knee is horizontal and the portion below is largely vertical. When both the upper and lower are horizontal that’s called ‘lying’ down.

‘Aye there are wee bit on the low side are they no? they seem to have sagged’, ‘No no son that’s the way they are supposed to be’. Hmmm time for another speed dial ‘Aye well it’s not-‘ Brrring Brrrring ‘Hello? What’s that Officer? Kidnapped you say! Oh my god! We had better come immediately’ I started to raise my fist ‘To the batmobile da da da de da deoooommmpppff’

Two house moves in successive weekends, not a good idea!

Doei