Hamish McShanks

Hamish McShanks Secret Diary w/e 20^th Feb 2005

‘Ha ha’ I surveyed my work with a feeling of smug self satisfaction. I’d packed all the books, CD’s and DVD’s. The stereo was boxed up, the TV was disconnected and all the cables taped on. In short I was in pretty good shape for moving…… until I remembered the cupboard behind the telly. ‘Ach how much can be in that one wee cupboard.

I pulled on the door handle and nothing happened ‘Cmon ye fecker’ I yanked harder but still it didn’t budge ‘Right sunshine ye want it the hard way’ I squared up to the door and gave it a hard stare ……… still nothing. ‘Ok ok so ye want tae play hardball do ye?’ not a peep from my wooden friend ‘Oh oh oh it’s the silent treatment is it? Well ye wur warned’ I took a deep breath and spat on my hands ‘Uuuuurgggh that’s bloody minging’ the revulsion at the feeling of warm saliva on my palms was overwhelming ‘Jeeeeesus that’s bogging’ I ran to the bathroom to wash my hands, I’m sure I could hear the door sniggering.

I’m not one to be beaten, well ok clearly I am, but just for a change I was going to persevere and win! After a quick manicure and relaxing herbal tea I was back and ready to rumble. ‘Right pal, last chance, are ye gonna open?’ still no response ‘ok have it your way’ I planted my right foot firmly on the floor and grabbed the handle with both hands. I took several deep breaths and started to pull ‘gnnnnnfffffff’ I heaved with all my might, veins were popping out in my neck and I was turning a disturbing rouge ‘gnnnfaaaaa’ I lifted my left leg and pushed with that ‘Aaaaaaaggh’ but to no avail.

Just then my twin brother came into the room ‘What are ye doing ye idiot?’, ‘Aa.a.m t.t.ttrrying .. ttttoo .. open the feeecking door’ I gasped as my eyes popped out of my head and my shoulders started to dislocate. He walked up to the door and turned the key. It was like a coiled spring exploding I shot backwards at a fearsome rate and smacked into the television ‘Fuuoooaaaaooompf’ Thankfully it’s a rather large wide screen television and took the impact well. So well in fact I ricocheted back towards the now open cupboard and was engulfed in its emptying contents. Books, folders, shoes, boots and camping equipment clattered down and I was swept away in an avalanche of forgotten tat ‘Aaaooognnnfffppp’ the noise of the landslide gradually subsided and all that could be heard were my muffled groans. ‘Right you seem to have this in hand I’m off to the pub’

I could just hear the front door slamming as I started to dig my way out. It was a good half hours graft but I finally emerged puffing and panting from a cornice of old hill-walking magazines. I pulled the issue that was stuck to the side of my sweaty face and glanced at the front cover. Apparently some girl called Hillary has conquered Everest! Go Girl!

This forgotten cupboard of goodies meant I was far from finished. I was looking at another few hours sorting the wheat from the chaff. I sat down disconsolately and started to play with a long discarded rubics cube. After twenty minutes had elapsed I resorted to my tried and tested method of peeling the stickers off and reapplying in the correct order! (Show me where it says you cant? Hmmm? Right Smeg off then!)

I was nearly finished deluding myself that I was actually intelligent when I noticed a strange light at the back of the empty cupboard. ‘What the hell is that…’ there was an effervescent green glow emanating from the middle shelf. I leaned forward for a closer look. As I bent forward I was grabbed by an incredibly strong invisible force ‘Wooaaaaagghh’ The back of the cupboard was approaching at great speed, I closed my eyes and braced for impact…….

My face was still scrunched up and I was noisly grinding my teeth when I heard the sounds of birds singing in the trees ‘Uuuuh?’ I opened my eyes to find myself in a large woodland clearing. The grass was soft and lush underfoot and squirrels were scampering up a large sycamore tree in front of me ‘Christ this is a big cupboard’.

A slack jawed three sixty degree turn taking in the beautiful vista of evergreen and deciduous trees, a shimmering blue lake and a snow capped mountain range in the distance led me to conclude that I may no longer be in my cupboard. There was nothing to suggest anyone else was around either. I couldn’t hear any traffic noise, voices, radios, music, nothing ‘Ok clearly those mushrooms you had for breakfast were on the turn Hamish, don’t panic’. I spied a small but well-worn path winding it’s way down the hill and this seemed as good an option as any.

I had been skipping gaily for a few minutes when I realised I was skipping … gaily ‘hmm ok so your skipping like a girl Hamish, no reason to become alarmed’. It wasn’t long before I had a good reason though. Skipping is actually quite a skill, you may laugh but it’s all about rhythm and timing and pace and precision (Christ I sound like Alan Hansen) But a lack of skipping practice can lead to accidents. Specifically stubbing your toe on a feck off giant tree root then tumbling airse over tit down a bramble strewn steep hillside finally coming to rest with your nose buried in the backside of a four hundred pound brown bear ‘Oooompppffff’

They say that a mother bear defending its cubs is the most dangerous kind of bear but I would disagree. A bear that’s just been nasally probed in its nether regions while minding it’s own business foraging for nuts and berries tends to become a bit tetchy. A trouser browning roar echoed around the forest and the beast rounded on me intent on evisceration. I quickly sized up the situation and deciding It was going to take more than a jar of honey to placate this fella, I legged it

I was motoring down the hillside remembering that wildlife on one program where they said bears couldn’t run downhill. A quick glance over my shoulder suggested that this particular bear didn’t possess a television ‘Oh shiii-‘ somehow I managed to find an extra turn of pace. Probably associated by the rapid loss of ‘ballast’ when I saw ‘Poo’ bear chasing me, if he wasn’t brown before he was now. He was still gaining and as I looked round for an escape route. All too late I saw the Scots pine in my path ‘Oh fuooommppppfff’ I slid down the trunk, grateful at least that I would be unconscious when it finished me off…..

I awoke to the sound of the front door. I was slumped in the cupboard, a large bruise on my forehead ‘Not got that done yet ye lazy git?’ I was about to retort when he farted noisily and slurred ‘pack that, ah’m off tae bed’ ……. class

Doei