Hamish McShanks

Hamish McShanks Secret Diary – w/e 6^th Feb 2004

‘Alle Ecosse! Alle Ecosse!’, ‘bon dieu it was a try ya cheatin French baaas!’ The front of the television was drenched in spittle as I roared in anger. The replay didn’t help. ‘For fuuuucksakesmaaan!’, ‘He didnay touch it! He was no where near the fecking line!’ If only my heart rate was going as slowly as the replay…..

Amazing the difference sixty minutes can make. An hour before I had been slipping on my black armband and warming up for a lament on the pipes. ‘What do ye think bruv, Flowers of the Forest or The Dark Isle?’, ‘Whatever ye like fat boy, there both going to sound keech’, ‘What do you mean?’, ‘Well ignoring the fact your tone deaf and possess all the musical talent of Westlife, lets have a look at your instrument’, ‘What about it?’, ‘Bagpipes, real bagpipes, arnt made out of an empty coke bottle and three tubes of smarties’,

‘They’re not tubes, they’re Drones actually!’, ’Really? Only Drones have the answer do they? And what is that masquerading as a chanter?’, ‘s a curly wurly’ I mumbled ‘A what, sorry I didn’t quite hear you?’, ‘It’s a curlybaaaastardingwurly’ I bellowed ‘Oh aye you’ll be breezing the grace notes on that wont ye!’, ‘s’got holes in it’ I retorted ‘So’s your heid ye numpty!’ I gave him a dirty look and put down my pipes.

‘Make yersel useful and get then beers in!’, ‘Awright awright what did yer last slave die of?’, ‘thirst if he was waiting on you, gerra shift on’. I went through to the kitchen slamming the door behind me ‘Mind the peanuts anaw’ he shouted through the door. I took a deep breath, paused briefly to give him the v’s from behind the door and went about preparing his beer. ‘Slag off ma pipes would ye, ah’ll get ye a beer sonny……’

I’ve always enjoyed cooking and I whistled happily as I decanted the Tabasco into his pint glass ‘Wee sup of cayenne pepper and just a hint of West Indian hot pepper sauce’, ‘tum te tum, la la laa’. The great thing is a strong beer like eighty shilling masks the taste of most things, well long enough for him to drink it anyway. ‘Where’s my beer ye slacker’ he shouted ‘Dry yer eyes min it’s on it’s way’, ‘and don’t forget the nuts!’, ‘Oh I haven’t forgotten….’

I kicked open the lounge door and tottered in juggling his pint, a can of lager and a bowl of peanuts ‘There we are sir, one pint of eighty bob and some dry roasted peanuts’, ‘Dry roasted? I though we only had salted?’, ‘Aye ah found them at the back of the cupboard’, ‘What’s the score’ I enquired, hastily changing the subject as he threw a handful of peanuts in his mouth. ‘Nil nil they’ve just kicked ofoooaargghhjeesus’, ‘something wrong with the peanuts?’, ‘They’re covered in feckin coffee grinds!’ he wheezed, ‘are they …. Oh dear’ I could barely suppress my smirk as he guzzled down his beer in an attempt to wash away the taste.

Inside my head I was counting down, one elephant, two elephant, his cheeks were going a nice rosy red, three elephant, steam was coming out his ears and his eyes were starting to water, four elep- ‘Hooooly fuuuu-‘, ‘Beer alright is it?’ strangely enough he didn’t reply. I’ve never seen him move so fast, almost gazelle like the way he sprinted to the cludge! ‘Ah peace at last’ I settled down in the armchair cracked open my tinny and pushed the door shut to drown out the sound of his retching ‘Alle Ecosse Alle alle alle alle Ecosse Ecosse!’ …..

As it turned out the game was a thriller. For a change Scotland decided to actually play as if they liked each other. We were tackling like demons, we were getting right in there faces, we weren’t dropping the ball they were, we weren’t knocking on, they were! We were kicking Gallic backside! ……….. then……. we were mugged!

This guy wearing a black mask carrying a swag bag over his shoulder just ran on and stole the ball! I kid you not, legged it out of the stadium with the ball in his bag and the game had to be abandoned. Ok ok ok so that’s not exactly how it happened, but there was a ‘bawbag’ involved….

What ‘actually’ happened was a huge big Golden eagle swooped from out of the sun. A beautiful majestic sight it lazily circled the pitch before viciously attacking the touch judge and pecking out his eyeballs! Which was quite an achievement in itself considering the thick milk bottle ‘safety’ glasses he was wearing at the time. Then this aristocrat of the skies snatched the poor mans whimpering guide dog in it’s razor like talons, before settling on top of the West stand and eviscerating the poor animal. Traumatised at the loss of his canine friend our man of the moment, stricken with grief, tripped over his white stick, stumbled and dramatically raised his right hand to steady himself. Unfortunately he was clutching a flag in his hand thereby ensuring he will never be welcome in Bonnie Scotland.

Not only did this myopic buffoon deny Scotland a stonewall fecking try that would have wrapped up the game and resulted in our first win at The Parc de whassit since nineteen oatcake. But he also prevented a 100 pound payout to yours truly from messers William and Hill. Twenty to one! Twenty to fecking one! …… git!

Understandably enraged at this cruel injustice and beside myself at the associated loss of revenue I hadn’t noticed my brother crawl back into the room. Neither did I notice him pouring half his eighty shilling into my can. ‘That’s a bloody disgrace, where do they find these people?’ I screamed at the telly ‘Yoooou sponsored by specsavers yoooo baaaaastaaaard!’ My ‘ranting vein’ was pulsating nicely and my throat was now bone dry with cursing. I reached down for my tinny and gulped down a few mouthfuls before continuing my tirade ‘Where did you get your refs certificate? oot of a cornflakes packet?’

I do vaguely remember hearing ‘One elephant, two elephant’ as I yelled at the television ‘Mon fecking dieu, has blind Pugh got a new job!’, ‘Three elephant’, ‘I’m writing to points of fecking vieoooaaarrrggghhhh’, ‘Four elephant’ snigger snigger ……

Hot? Ye don’t know the meaning of the word………

Ach well at least Scottish rugby regained some pride, if not any points, and we can look forward to snatching defeat from the jaws of victory on four more occasions! ‘Always look on the bright side of life, de do, de do de do de do’ ….. c’mon sing along ye must know the words by now ….. la la laaa ……

Doei