Hamish McShanks

Hamish McShanks Secret Diary w/e 26^th December 2004

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St Nicolas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;

And out of the darkness came a thump and a cry,

‘Oooyaaafnnnbaaas ma toe ah’ve broken ma fecking toe, sweet jesus it’s bleeding!’

With hindsight seven pints of lager, two gins and a four drams is a tad excessive for a ‘nightcap’. More of a cap, scarf, jacket and matching gloves. What can I say, I was getting into the festive spirit(s). I would have been ok, if, when I’d awoken for my festive two am piss I’d remembered I was staying at my brother’s house. I did sprinkle some festive cheer in and around the en-suite before managing to hobble back to bed without further incident. I was shivering as I pulled the duvet over my head and listened to the wind howling outside. The window panes were rattling a fandango of defiance against the elements and I could see a few snowflakes flitting past ‘Yo ho smegging ho’ I grumbled as I was enveloped in an alcoholic slumber, to sleep, perchance to dream …….

Before anyone tries to interpret this dream I would like to point out I was mixing my drinks that night AND I was suffering from a viral bug. Look I wasn’t well!!!!! Ok ok ok so I dreamt I was in bed with the spice girls (even minging spice) Now before you start I was dressed ……. dressed as Noddy Holder but dressed all the same (must have been the constant ‘Slade’ music whilst xmas shopping). Worryingly I was also dangling a piece of mistletoe above my head and beckoning Baby Spice across ‘Now now girls don’t foight, waoit your turn, there’s plenty to go round’ I even had the brummy smegging accent! Clearly I was running a temperature and completely delusional ‘Mmmm that’s noice … mmmm …. Oh you dirty little trollop …. Hey hey stop yous nibbling!… heyoaaarrrrghhhhhh!

My god this was a vivid dream, I could actually feel my ears being nibbled! In fact nibbled didn’t do it justice I was being bitten! (sideburns and all) ‘Aaaaaaaarrgggh’ I woke up bolt upright. I glanced at the alarm clock it was 9am and I had been most rudely awakened. I was even more perturbed to find it wasn’t Gerri Halliwell sticking her tongue in my ear, it was in fact the family pet. Ok so the family pet is a German Shepard and someone with a cruel sense of humour might suggest they are both Ginger Dogs but not me, oh no……..

A wet nose and a probing tongue certainly encourages you to get out of bed though (still talking about the dog by the way) and I hobbled around the room retrieving the clothes I’d thrown off as I had poured myself in the door the night before. My toe was throbbing nicely and it looked like a blind cobblers thumb ‘Bloody doors’ I grumbled as I carefully pulled on a sock.

The smell of sizzling bacon lured me towards the kitchen. My brother had been up since 5am basting the 76lb turkey that was stuffed in the oven. He was looking disgustingly cheery. It was almost as if he hadn’t got completely rubbered on xmas eve and wasn’t now feeling like a sack of keech. I skirted round the crowbar that was wedging the oven door shut and sat down ‘Any chance of a cup of coffee bruv?’, ‘Aye nae bother, did ye sleep alright?’, ‘Aye fine apart frae breaking my foot on the en-suite door’, He gave me a rather quizzical look ‘but your room doesn’t have an en-suite’, ‘Oh… aye…. ah meant the toilet door…’ I cringed inwardly and remembered the waste paper bin in the corner of the room.

Three bacon rolls and four cups of coffee later I feeling a bit more human. Luckily I wasn’t required to help prepare the meal so I could surreptitiously head back upstairs and empty my ‘en-suite’. It was snowing heavily and there was already a good four inches of snow outside as I casually emptied the bin out the window. I did feel marginally guilty that someone was going to be hit with a yellow snowball but if your going to have a snowball fight ye cant cry when one tastes a bit funny.

The meal, when it arrived, was absolutely stonking. As usual we all severly over ate. There were murmerings of a brisk walk in the snow to aid digestion but instead I plumped for a large gin, four Alka-Seltzer and a comfy chair in front of the fire.

I haven’t seen the queen’s speech for …… well ever, and I had no intention of starting now. My mum suggested a game of scrabble and that seemed in line with the amount of physical exertion I could muster. It started off quite well, friendly like, convivial ye might even say ……

Four hours later and it was two hundred points apiece, you could cut the tension with a knife. All that could be heard was the crackle of logs on the fire and the relentless tick tick ticking of the mantelpiece clock. It was my turn and I was stalling, I continued to stare at my last five tiles but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t see any vowels ‘cmon cmon sunshine ye’ve had plenty time’, ‘Ach dry yer eyes wummin ah’m thinking’, ‘Oh I wondered what the noise was’ I gave her a withering look and pushed the chocolate liqueurs across the table. My master plan of getting her rubbered on rum barrels was yet to bear fruit.

I had no option but to take a long shot. I could see my mum mouthing the word as I built it tile by tile. ‘Ok that’s me finished and it’s on a double word score so that’s twenty-‘ There was a short pause before she exploded ‘Fgnzj? What the bloody hell is Fgnzj?’, ‘it’s a scientific word, it means eeer to agitate………… it’s in the dictionary’ ‘Lets see the dictionary then’, ’Ok I’ll just get it… oh no how clumsy of me, I appear to have knocked the board over …..’ No she didn’t believe it either ….. although it would appear I did indeed manage to ‘Fgnzj’ my mother.

In fact I ‘Fgnzj’d’ her to the point that I was sent to my room with a well tanned airse and told not to come back down till ‘I’ve learnt my lesson’ ………..

It’s all about families xmas ……….

Doei