Hamish McShanks

Hamish McShanks Secret Diary w/e 19^th December 2004

Ok lets check if I have everything; Waterproofs (check), Fleece (check), hot and cold drinks (check), trangia stove and fuel (check and check), Cutlery and mug (check), Sleeping bag (check), bivvy bag (check) …...… the list continued for some time. After another twenty minutes I was satisfied with my preparations and ready for the off. But off to where you may ask? The Cairngorms? The Trossachs? The Himalayas?

No, I’m off to Cowie. Sadly ‘Cowie’ is not Nepalese for ‘Where the Earth meets the Sky’ but it’s Scots for ‘far the cheap hooses are getting built’ or more specifically where the ‘affordable’ housing is getting built. Let me explain ……

The local council only allow new housing developments if a certain percentage of houses are ‘affordable’. Oh and I would dispute their definition of affordable but I don’t want to get into that rant just now. Anyway in this particular case 16 houses out of 109 were ‘affordable’ the rest of them were clearly unaffordable so I don’t know why they were bothering building them!

So what’s the catch with the affordable stuff? The council decides who can buy them. I filled out all the forms and even went to the council offices to plead my case but having been rumbled in my efforts to be classed as a single black mother with lesbian tendencies I narrowly failed to qualify for the priority 1 group. I went down fighting though, it took six security guards to remove me ‘You chauvinist b*stards’ I screamed as they prised my fingers off the door handle and threw me out of the front door.

My elaborate ruse was completely undermined when one of my ‘breasts’ dropped out and rolled away as I tumbled down the main steps. ‘Ooomppf Catch thaaaagghhhht’ I shouted ‘they cost me fifty quid the pair’. Nobody seemed that keen to chase my silicone friend as it raced down the street like a whippet. With hindsight a black pair would have been more convincing. Oh if anyone wants to buy a pair of ‘nearly new’ size eleven sling back sandals, a red gingham dress, a blonde wig and one artificial breast do drop me a line.

My deception uncovered I was placed in the priority 2 group along with another 37 applicants (can you see the problem yet?) The fact that there were only 10 houses left after the priority one applicants had taken their pick meant the odds were heavily stacked against me. We had to ‘present ourselves’ at the Sales office Saturday morning where the remaining ten houses would be allocated on a first come first served basis.

Oh dear, this was going to be messy, it was going to be ‘dog eat dog’ Which is a crap analogy cos they never ‘eat’ each other they just sniff their genitals growl a bit then rip each others throats out. I was damm sure didn’t want my backside sniffed or my throat torn out so I decided to ‘camp out’ early and make sure I was first in the queue.

As you may have gathered from my equipment list I was set for the long haul. The weather forecast was pretty grim and I was feeling quite smug as I drove round to the sales office 24hrs before they opened ‘Ha you have to get up pretty early in the morning to catch old Ham ou…..’ my mouth hung open as I turned the last corner…..

It was like a gypsy camp. The small driveway in the show house had cars parked nose to tail and side-by-side. Someone had erected a gazebo and was fixing a brew on a gas stove as they grilled some sausages on the barbie. I was about to enquire as to how many were in the queue when I noticed the line of caravans on the street ‘Oh for fu….’ Apparently (and this is the truth) People had started queuing the night before! 40 smegging hours before the office opened for business ….. FORTY!!!!

I wont lie, I was disappointed, gutted in fact. I took solace in alcohol, beer is your friend, beer is always there for you and never judges you, beer isn’t just for christmas. So I had a few beers …… and a few more ….. and maybe another two or three beers. Then ……. I had an idea…….

It was a couple of hours later as I crawled along the base of the hedge searching for a suitable gap. I found the perfect spot in a groove underneath a large privet hedge. I pulled out my nightsight to recky the target. I scanned the horizon and saw the heat signatures of three punters on ‘stag’ just outside the show home. I checked my watch, it was 3am and they were looking weary ‘Aye bet ye wish yooo had been in the pub too paaal’ I slurred quietly. All I had to do was wait…..

A sudden flash of white lit up the garden in front of me ‘Oh fuu..’, ‘Cmon tiddles … here puss puss’, ‘Oh bloody marvellous’, ‘Cmon tiddles’ I could hear a packet of go-cat being shaken in the distance. I was confident of remaining hidden, my face daubed in green and brown paint. Then I saw tiddles, or more accurately, I felt tiddles. I must have been lying on his route home and he was a little annoyed at having to try and squeeze past me. Cats are great though, they always give you a warning before they attack. Tiddles warned me that he was going to attack by repeatedly lacerating the seat of my camouflage trousers. I couldn’t risk being spotted so had to cram a fist in my mouth and muffle the screams as tiddles turned my rump into best fillet steak.

I couldn’t take much more and tiddles showed no indication of relenting, I had no choice but to go for the nuclear option. I let rip with a beery fart of epic proportions. It was a beaut, I could feel the acrid warmth as it departed and the pained cries of tiddles suggested I’d scored a direct hit. But no one wins a nuclear war and I was caught in the very mushroom cloud that had saved me. My eyes were watering and my nasal senses had gone into a catastrophic meltdown.

Tiddles had managed to stagger half way across the garden before keeling over and was now flat on his back, all four feet pointing at the sky. He was twitching uncontrollably as his owner started screaming and went into hysterics. I was going to have to abort the opo, clearly I had been compromised.

Always have a plan B though, prepare for worst case scenario. I didn’t. That’s why I was found by the police slumped over a small garden fence with my shredded backside providing convenient parking for children’s bicycles.

Doei