Monday, October 04, 2004
Hamish McShanks Secret Diary - Part 12
Hamish McShanks Secret Diary w/e 3rd October 2004
Achee achee canunk canunk …. ‘Oh for goodness sake’ achee achee canunk canunk ‘Why do I always get the one with the squeaky wheel!’ Squeaky didn’t quite do it justice, squeaky implies a relatively quiet noise, this was way past squeaky and most definitely into screechy territory. However it was the only one left in the trolley park and it looked like the vultures had already been at it. ‘Jeeesus christ look at the state of that’ it was absolutely gubbed, even students wouldn’t steal this it was so rusty ‘Bloody sad when no one can be bothered shoving you in the river eh?’ A women packing her car gave me a questioning look and I decided it would probably be a good idea to stop talking to my trolley.
I headed for the entrance…. achee achee canunk canunk…. the noise was annoying enough but the fact that all the wheels seemed to point in different directions was proving an even bigger irritation ‘For feck sake, it’d be easier pushing ma fecking car roond the supermarket’. After thirty seconds of trying to defy the laws of physics I was sweating buckets. By the time I reached the entrance I looked like I’d run a marathon ‘Bloody hell I’d have worn my fecking shorts if I’d known this was the only bastarding trolley’ there was no option but to stop for a rest.
Alas the entrance was guarded by the obligatory war painted dolly birds trying to sell double glazed conservatories or some such sheeeeite. ‘Good evening Sir-..’,’ Not interested’, ‘I haven’t told you-‘, ‘Still not interested’, ‘This is a fantastic offe-‘, ‘I don’t need a fecking conservatory’, ‘It will add thousands to the price-’, ‘I live in a shoe’, ‘Perhaps some double glazing in the heel then‘ My patience was at a premium ‘Tell you what, I’ll buy a conservatory if you buy some cleansing wipes and remove the 4 inches of slap off that overbearing ugly mug of yourooompfff’ it would appear that the lady in question was a firm believer in equality, thrashing each side of my face in equal measure. A clipboard isn’t the easiest blunt instrument to wield though and I managed to limp off towards the vegetable section as she tried to remove a stanchion from the exhibition stand.
I could see her pacing up and down the aisle slapping the iron bar in the palm of her hand. I took refuge amongst the turnips. She was pretty angry but I think the thought of potential lost custom overrode her desire to bludgeon me to death. Just as well I nearly had my eye out a couple of times as customers tried to ‘pick’ my baldy heid from amongst the neeps (glad I never hid in the carrots)
Excitement over and chased from the vegetable section I continued with my shopping. Naturally I’d left my actual shopping list at home, although to be fair I’d only written the word ‘food’ on it so it wasn’t the drawback it might have been. Besides Sunday night is ‘Lottery’ night. If you time it just right you can get some absolute bargains in the reduced section. Now I know what your thinking ‘miserable tight jock’ and you’d be right but it’s the only time I’ve ever been able to afford fillet steak ….. green fillet steak admittedly …….with claggy bits ….. but fillet all the same.
The thing is of course that everyone wants a bargain and competition can be fierce. You cant just camp out at the reduced section that’s simply not the done thing. In fact you’ll get many evil stares and a number of elbows in the ribs if you try this. Neither can you follow the ‘pricer’ around for days on end writing down their routine and personal habits, taking photographs and harassing their friends because apparently that’s ‘Stalking’. Seemingly you can get three hundred hours community service and a restraining order put in place if you try that …….. again.
So instead you have to wait, bide your time, and play the long game. I nonchalantly strolled down the sauces and pickles aisle grabbing a couple of jars of horseradish to go with my targeted sirloin steak and some mint sauce for the lamb joint I had noticed. There was no sign of ‘bargain boy’ and his pricing gun so I was forced to take a detour down the next aisle ‘Where the hell are you’ I muttered.
I picked up a tube of toothpaste and rolled slowly back towards the reduced section idly picking up random products, feigning interest, then replacing them on the shelf. I stopped where I had a good view of the counter and picked up the nearest item. Still no sign of discount man, I was losing patience when I heard a voice behind me ‘Eeem do you want them?’, ‘Hmmm sorry?’ a very attractive young lady was giving me an enquiring look ‘Do you want them, only it’s the last packet’ I looked at the object in my hand and went deep crimson ‘Eeer noooo I don’t think I need any sanitary towels it’s … eeeer … not my time of the mon… ‘ I trailed off as I felt her withering glare bore into me. I thrust the packet into her hand and sped off ‘Uuuum excuse me while I go and kill myself’
I didn’t have time to chew my knuckles off in anguish because ‘The price was right’as they say. Bargain boy had arrived with his pricing gun, I moved closer achee achee …. canunk canunk …… Oh yeah I’ve timed this to perfection … achee achee …. canunk canunk. I could see him slowly lifting his hand, he was definitely going for his gun, there was no doubt about it ‘Oh your mine’ I whispered under my breath. I positioned myself carefully poised to strike. when I heard a noise … aagnng clackaa …. aagnng clackaa ‘What the..’ aagnng clackaa aagnng clackaa I searched for the source and spotted another shopper coming from the other end of the aisle. I was being outflanked ‘You sneaky baaaas …No way pal!’ I went for it acheeachee canunkcanunk acheeachee canunk canunk acheeeeee. aagnngclackaaaagnng clackaa There was only one way this was going to end …….. in tears
With coalition precision we collided ten feet away from the reduced section, thankfully it wasn’t a ‘head on’ and I ricocheted into the frozen veg. Last I saw my opponent was barrelling towards a pyramid of baked bean tins (what do they expect stacking them like that, they’re asking for it) When I emerged from the freezer an old biddy was putting the last piece of prime steak in her overflowing trolley, it looked like somebody had slaughtered a beast in it. The only thing that was missing was a couple of horns sticking out the top. And all for thruppence ha’penny!
And to top it all off when I got to the checkout I was sandwiched between ‘Granny’ with her flame grilled 100% beef shopping trolley and the gorgeous girl who liberated me of my sanitary towels, oh joy……
Doei
Achee achee canunk canunk …. ‘Oh for goodness sake’ achee achee canunk canunk ‘Why do I always get the one with the squeaky wheel!’ Squeaky didn’t quite do it justice, squeaky implies a relatively quiet noise, this was way past squeaky and most definitely into screechy territory. However it was the only one left in the trolley park and it looked like the vultures had already been at it. ‘Jeeesus christ look at the state of that’ it was absolutely gubbed, even students wouldn’t steal this it was so rusty ‘Bloody sad when no one can be bothered shoving you in the river eh?’ A women packing her car gave me a questioning look and I decided it would probably be a good idea to stop talking to my trolley.
I headed for the entrance…. achee achee canunk canunk…. the noise was annoying enough but the fact that all the wheels seemed to point in different directions was proving an even bigger irritation ‘For feck sake, it’d be easier pushing ma fecking car roond the supermarket’. After thirty seconds of trying to defy the laws of physics I was sweating buckets. By the time I reached the entrance I looked like I’d run a marathon ‘Bloody hell I’d have worn my fecking shorts if I’d known this was the only bastarding trolley’ there was no option but to stop for a rest.
Alas the entrance was guarded by the obligatory war painted dolly birds trying to sell double glazed conservatories or some such sheeeeite. ‘Good evening Sir-..’,’ Not interested’, ‘I haven’t told you-‘, ‘Still not interested’, ‘This is a fantastic offe-‘, ‘I don’t need a fecking conservatory’, ‘It will add thousands to the price-’, ‘I live in a shoe’, ‘Perhaps some double glazing in the heel then‘ My patience was at a premium ‘Tell you what, I’ll buy a conservatory if you buy some cleansing wipes and remove the 4 inches of slap off that overbearing ugly mug of yourooompfff’ it would appear that the lady in question was a firm believer in equality, thrashing each side of my face in equal measure. A clipboard isn’t the easiest blunt instrument to wield though and I managed to limp off towards the vegetable section as she tried to remove a stanchion from the exhibition stand.
I could see her pacing up and down the aisle slapping the iron bar in the palm of her hand. I took refuge amongst the turnips. She was pretty angry but I think the thought of potential lost custom overrode her desire to bludgeon me to death. Just as well I nearly had my eye out a couple of times as customers tried to ‘pick’ my baldy heid from amongst the neeps (glad I never hid in the carrots)
Excitement over and chased from the vegetable section I continued with my shopping. Naturally I’d left my actual shopping list at home, although to be fair I’d only written the word ‘food’ on it so it wasn’t the drawback it might have been. Besides Sunday night is ‘Lottery’ night. If you time it just right you can get some absolute bargains in the reduced section. Now I know what your thinking ‘miserable tight jock’ and you’d be right but it’s the only time I’ve ever been able to afford fillet steak ….. green fillet steak admittedly …….with claggy bits ….. but fillet all the same.
The thing is of course that everyone wants a bargain and competition can be fierce. You cant just camp out at the reduced section that’s simply not the done thing. In fact you’ll get many evil stares and a number of elbows in the ribs if you try this. Neither can you follow the ‘pricer’ around for days on end writing down their routine and personal habits, taking photographs and harassing their friends because apparently that’s ‘Stalking’. Seemingly you can get three hundred hours community service and a restraining order put in place if you try that …….. again.
So instead you have to wait, bide your time, and play the long game. I nonchalantly strolled down the sauces and pickles aisle grabbing a couple of jars of horseradish to go with my targeted sirloin steak and some mint sauce for the lamb joint I had noticed. There was no sign of ‘bargain boy’ and his pricing gun so I was forced to take a detour down the next aisle ‘Where the hell are you’ I muttered.
I picked up a tube of toothpaste and rolled slowly back towards the reduced section idly picking up random products, feigning interest, then replacing them on the shelf. I stopped where I had a good view of the counter and picked up the nearest item. Still no sign of discount man, I was losing patience when I heard a voice behind me ‘Eeem do you want them?’, ‘Hmmm sorry?’ a very attractive young lady was giving me an enquiring look ‘Do you want them, only it’s the last packet’ I looked at the object in my hand and went deep crimson ‘Eeer noooo I don’t think I need any sanitary towels it’s … eeeer … not my time of the mon… ‘ I trailed off as I felt her withering glare bore into me. I thrust the packet into her hand and sped off ‘Uuuum excuse me while I go and kill myself’
I didn’t have time to chew my knuckles off in anguish because ‘The price was right’as they say. Bargain boy had arrived with his pricing gun, I moved closer achee achee …. canunk canunk …… Oh yeah I’ve timed this to perfection … achee achee …. canunk canunk. I could see him slowly lifting his hand, he was definitely going for his gun, there was no doubt about it ‘Oh your mine’ I whispered under my breath. I positioned myself carefully poised to strike. when I heard a noise … aagnng clackaa …. aagnng clackaa ‘What the..’ aagnng clackaa aagnng clackaa I searched for the source and spotted another shopper coming from the other end of the aisle. I was being outflanked ‘You sneaky baaaas …No way pal!’ I went for it acheeachee canunkcanunk acheeachee canunk canunk acheeeeee. aagnngclackaaaagnng clackaa There was only one way this was going to end …….. in tears
With coalition precision we collided ten feet away from the reduced section, thankfully it wasn’t a ‘head on’ and I ricocheted into the frozen veg. Last I saw my opponent was barrelling towards a pyramid of baked bean tins (what do they expect stacking them like that, they’re asking for it) When I emerged from the freezer an old biddy was putting the last piece of prime steak in her overflowing trolley, it looked like somebody had slaughtered a beast in it. The only thing that was missing was a couple of horns sticking out the top. And all for thruppence ha’penny!
And to top it all off when I got to the checkout I was sandwiched between ‘Granny’ with her flame grilled 100% beef shopping trolley and the gorgeous girl who liberated me of my sanitary towels, oh joy……
Doei
