Hamish McShanks

Ssssssffffffttt…ping ‘Ooooyaabaaas’…. Sssfffttt..ping ‘Jaaasuuus’ sssfffftt .. ping ‘ffkin’ell’ …. Ssssffffttt … (wait for it) . ping! ‘Ooooyaaaahff..’, ‘Sore?’, ‘Gnummff’, ssssfffttt..ping! I couldn’t answer as I was already in full ‘whimper mode’. The solitary tear running down my cheek should have been a hint though. My torturer surveyed her work with a critical eye, idly flicking a couple of needles with her index finger and watching my agonised grimace with mild satisfaction. ‘Ok ok ok yoo jus rela….’ I didn’t catch the rest of the sentence as I was enveloped in a wave of nausea and then fortunately, darkness.

They say that acupuncture doesn’t hurt, oh really, and that ‘they say’ that you can’t feel the needles, is that a fact? Well I don’t know who ‘they’ are but I’m guessing ‘they’ are the same people that say you can make ‘hundreds of pounds’ working from home, buy a villa in Spain for thruppance ha’penny! I’m sure ‘they’ cant feel the needles, that’s because ‘they’ aren’t the ones being turned into hedgehogs. These kind of people would sell you the hole from a polo if they thought they could wangle it.

I believe ‘Thai kick gardening’ is the next big fad, colonic irrigation was ‘in’ for a few months until everyone realised it was just a hosepipe up yer jacksee (something they desperately need themselves, any fuller and it would be spraying out their ears)

When you think about it, it’s not rocket science it’s actually very simple, needle vs. flesh. A needle, thin, sharp and of course metal. Whereas skin is soft, fleshy and replete with pain receptors. Key word here is ‘soft’ oh and did I mention the pain receptors? Lots of them ….. thousands apparently ……
I have to admit to being a tad apprehensive before my treatment. Luckily I was immediately put at ease by the fact the ‘Doctor’ couldn’t speak any English. Mercifully the receptionist translated for me, it was all very confusing at the time but with the benefit of hindsight I think the conversation went something like this………

‘Hello Doctor’, ‘My god he’s ugly’, ‘It’s the adductor muscle in my leg’, ‘Another lardy jock looking for a miracle cure then?’, ‘Yes it is quite tight’, ‘You don’t need acupuncture, you want to ease up on the pies fatty’, ‘Yes the left leg’, ‘Let’s see how much we can make you squeal pie boy’, ‘Oh excellent’, ‘What do you think Wang Lee can he take twenty needles?’ ‘Uhuu and how long will that take?’, ‘no chance he’ll be blubbing by eleven’, ‘Lovely lets get started then’, ‘Yeah eleven tops, it’s always the big lads that scream the most’, ‘thank you very much’ ‘what a complete fud’, ‘No no thank you’, ‘…..Jeeeeesus’

I didn’t even make double figures before my scheduled colonic irrigation was no longer required. I did derive a small degree of satisfaction that the cleaning bill would almost certainly exceed the price of the treatment……

The weekend had started off with so much promise. I’d been up in the North East of Scotland celebrating the 25th anniversary of Isla Volleyball Club. Over seventy former players and partners had made it for a packed Saturday of volleyball. I was particularly pleased that I hadn’t lost my touch (as I thumped the ball into the net for the fourteenth time) still the same cack handed duffer I’d always been, or as I prefer to think ‘consistent’.

There was a formal dinner in the evening, it would have been nice if someone had told me it was formal as I arrived in my flip flops, Hawaiian shirt and raggedy denim shorts. I have to say it was very much ‘saloon doors flapping’ and piano player stopping as I entered. My older brother quickly dragged me off to one side as everyone stared slack jawed ‘didn’t you read the invite’ he hissed ‘Aye … shorts and shades it said on mine!’, ‘what the bloody hell are you talking about, it clearly said formal dress’ I was just about to explode in indignant anger when I caught sight of Kenny out of the corner of my eye, he was resplendent in full highland regalia, a large pheasant feather jutting proudly from his Glengarry. He simply raised his glass, nodded at me and smiled ………… ‘you fff..n..baaaas....’

There was no option but to front it out as I was repeatedly quizzed over my odd appearance. Initially I went for the old ‘mixed up invites’ story, then it was the dry cleaners fault, I even blamed an infestation of mice. However in the space of two hours I’d settled on an ostrich breaking into my car and running off with my sporran as the ghost of Elvis spirited away my kilt and brogues ….. I never said it was a good excuse ……..

The night wore on and I found myself sitting alone nursing a large whisky. I stared stony faced as Kenny danced the night away ‘Baaaastard’, ‘Look at im finks ees Bonnie Prince Charlie … hic’. By this point I was getting rather drunk and more than a little fed up. As a result my normal good manners disappeared. Another guest glanced across at the empty seats on my table ‘Whatchoo looking at … hic … mmmm .. whasyoorffnproblem?’, ‘Nothing, I just wondered if I could borrow a seat’, ‘Oh oh oh ah’m nufing am I .. mmmmm?… nufing yoo say’,’No you misunderstand’, ‘Oh oh oh I’m thick as well ah’m I? Yooo fnnn’snobby baaasss’

The individual bearing the brunt of my anger backed away gingerly. Things might have got out of hand had I not caught a flip-flop as I went to kick him in the kilt. The flip-flop remained stubbornly wedged on the foot of the table whilst my leg continued to power forwards. The laws of physics ensured that all I succeeded in doing was pulling myself towards the floor at great speed. Head butting pine floorboards inevitably leads to a loss of consciousness and the tablecloth that I had grabbed to prevent my fall now covered my lifeless body quite nicely.

So all in all a very successful weekend, I managed to pull a muscle in my leg and concuss myself whilst trying to assault a perfect stranger. I offended 99% of Isla volleyball club within the space of two hours. And I’ll probably never be able to return to the village of Keith again after being arrested by the police whilst attempting to defecate in the boot of their patrol car.

I had a head injury ……………. Your honour …… well I definetly did ‘after’ I took a dump amongst their riot gear ………..

Doei