Monday, August 16, 2004
Hamish McShanks Secret Diary - Part 5
Hamish McShanks Secret Diary w/e 15th August 2004
Baking sunshine, blue skies, mid to high 20’s and I’m in Scotland Shockarooney! And an even bigger shocker it’s been like this two weekends in a row! Ok so it rained so heavily in between that people have been putting their houses on stilts, building Arks and a mudslide closed the A9. But hey, who cares as long as it’s sunny at the weekend – woo hoo!
The insect population also appreciate the glorious weather. Limitless solar energy allows beasties that we never even knew had wings to release the surly bonds of earth. Big old ground beetles sprout huge colourful wings and lumber into the air like B52 bombers. Bees swarm excitedly, workers busily searching for the next hotspot to start a colony, location, location location! Mayflies use this energy to ‘get it oooon and get jiggy’. The skies are black with insects and if they aint flying their shagging!
Of course as soon as the sun dips behind a cloud it’s panic stations all round. The amorous male Mayflies are suddenly limper than wet biscuits. The females console them with phrases like ‘there there, we’ll try again later when it’s a bit sunnier’ and ‘I’m sure it’s perfectly normal’, ‘I bet it happens to all the other flies’ as they edge slowly away making small wing gestures. For the ground beetle there’s more than a lack of viagra to worry about, the sudden drop in solar energy means they now possesses all the grace, poise and aerodynamic qualities of a brick. The surly bonds of earth snigger ‘come to papa’ as gravity ensures they claim their own.
Wasps also enjoy the hot weather, these skinheads of the insect world bustle about the countryside pushing ladybirds into ponds, noising up the ants and generally ‘putting it abaut’ Nothing scares a wasp, a mere lack of sunlight doesn’t bother a wasp, he’ll sting ye in the dark just for a laugh, he’s well ‘ard. So you can imagine my horror when driving along the road (with windows wide open) my wing mirror smacked into a group of wasps roughing up a bumblebee. Three wasps were killed outright but the fourth pirouetted in the window and down the front of my shirt. I have to admit that I panicked slightly …. Ok I panicked a lot! In fact anyone travelling behind me might have described my driving as ‘erratic’. It’s not easy trying to stop your car, remove your shirt and kill a wasp at the same time – I managed all three AND I also soiled myself in the process, who says men cant multitask!
Luckily I had a change of clothes as I was in transit to a volleyball tournament in Banchory. I quickly changed and deposited my old garments in a roadside bin (they were beyond the help of ‘vanish’ or any other proprietary stain digester) With a bit of luck I’d still make it in time for the start and indeed when I arrived the nets were still being erected.
I spotted the Isla crown near the BBQ and I approached cautiously, I hadn’t spoken to Kenny since the Perth volleyball tournament where he and I hadn’t quite hit it off. I had been coaching the side and we’d had a … ‘professional disagreement’ If you define a professional disagreement as me not giving him any games and him frothing a lot and attacking the traffic cone I’d substituted in his place! Suffice to say this incident had left relations ‘strained’.
They were all standing in a circle as I approached ‘Alright boys and girls, how’s it going?’, ‘Alright Ham, how’s things’ I chatted away for a few minutes renewing acquaintances and chewing the fat. Everybody appeared in good spirits and the craic was excellent. Kenny must have been keeping a low profile as he was nowhere in sight. This suited me fine as I was in no hurry to break the ice.
Isla Volleyball Club are a bit of a democracy when it comes to coaching and they tend to rotate this responsibility at most events, hence the reason I’d had a bash in Perth. ‘So who’s coaching today then?’ I enquired ….. there was an awkward silence ….. ‘What? c’mon who’s the lucky one?’ everyone was looking at their shoes or having a lengthy examination of their fingernails ‘c’mon, who’s running the show today?' I noticed they were now all looking behind me. I felt a tap tap tap on my shoulder and with a sinking feeling I slowly turned round ……....‘I am’ said Kenny …. ‘Oh Fu….’
‘Shut your mouth you orrible little man! There’s only two things that comes out of Ellon (my hometown) Puffs or Hermerseksuaaals, which are you boy?’, ‘Eeer aren’t they the sam….ooomfff’, ‘drop and give me twenty boy!!’, ‘Twenty wha..oooompff’, ‘You will not speak until yoos is spoken to my lovely lad’, ‘I is going to turns you into a volleyball player, oh yes I ams’, ‘Is this anything to do with Peraaarrgghhhh’, ‘Shut up shut up shut up SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!’
A couple of things suggested Kenny wasn’t in the mood for a ‘chat’ about Perth, it may have been the fiercely pulsating vein on his forehead, or perhaps the fetching crimson colour he was turning, either way this was clearly not the time to ‘thrash things out’ Although coincidently it was time for Kenny to thrash me with a length of two by four! I took the opportunity to pass out ……
When I awoke I was spread-eagled and staked out on the ground. Kenny was crouched over me, stripped to the waist (upwards thankfully) his face was covered in camouflage paint and he was sporting a Tam ‘o’ Shanter bunnet. I was about to ask why I was not playing in the first game when he started whooping ‘I luuuuuv the smell of turps in the morning wooo eeeeeei’, ‘Eeer that’s nice Kenn.ooomf’, ‘Shut up Charlie!’, ‘But my names not Charlie it’s Haaoommpf', ‘You gonna play ball Charlie?’, ‘Well if you mean volleyball then ye..ooommpppf’, ‘Yoo ah real slow learner aint you boy’, ‘Well I did get 7 o-levels but my I’ll admit my teachers did think I could haveooompff’, ‘Ah’m gonna have to teach you a lesson son’, ‘Well my spanish isnt that great and I could really do with brushing up on my physics’ Last thing I saw was a rapidly approaching fist and this seemed as good a point as any to have another ‘nap’
I’m not sure what the final result was, we were two points ahead and Kenny’s coaching really did seem to be paying dividends. Well right up until they got the straight jacket on, it all got a tad unseemly after that.
Roll on Perth 2005 ……………………
Doei
Baking sunshine, blue skies, mid to high 20’s and I’m in Scotland Shockarooney! And an even bigger shocker it’s been like this two weekends in a row! Ok so it rained so heavily in between that people have been putting their houses on stilts, building Arks and a mudslide closed the A9. But hey, who cares as long as it’s sunny at the weekend – woo hoo!
The insect population also appreciate the glorious weather. Limitless solar energy allows beasties that we never even knew had wings to release the surly bonds of earth. Big old ground beetles sprout huge colourful wings and lumber into the air like B52 bombers. Bees swarm excitedly, workers busily searching for the next hotspot to start a colony, location, location location! Mayflies use this energy to ‘get it oooon and get jiggy’. The skies are black with insects and if they aint flying their shagging!
Of course as soon as the sun dips behind a cloud it’s panic stations all round. The amorous male Mayflies are suddenly limper than wet biscuits. The females console them with phrases like ‘there there, we’ll try again later when it’s a bit sunnier’ and ‘I’m sure it’s perfectly normal’, ‘I bet it happens to all the other flies’ as they edge slowly away making small wing gestures. For the ground beetle there’s more than a lack of viagra to worry about, the sudden drop in solar energy means they now possesses all the grace, poise and aerodynamic qualities of a brick. The surly bonds of earth snigger ‘come to papa’ as gravity ensures they claim their own.
Wasps also enjoy the hot weather, these skinheads of the insect world bustle about the countryside pushing ladybirds into ponds, noising up the ants and generally ‘putting it abaut’ Nothing scares a wasp, a mere lack of sunlight doesn’t bother a wasp, he’ll sting ye in the dark just for a laugh, he’s well ‘ard. So you can imagine my horror when driving along the road (with windows wide open) my wing mirror smacked into a group of wasps roughing up a bumblebee. Three wasps were killed outright but the fourth pirouetted in the window and down the front of my shirt. I have to admit that I panicked slightly …. Ok I panicked a lot! In fact anyone travelling behind me might have described my driving as ‘erratic’. It’s not easy trying to stop your car, remove your shirt and kill a wasp at the same time – I managed all three AND I also soiled myself in the process, who says men cant multitask!
Luckily I had a change of clothes as I was in transit to a volleyball tournament in Banchory. I quickly changed and deposited my old garments in a roadside bin (they were beyond the help of ‘vanish’ or any other proprietary stain digester) With a bit of luck I’d still make it in time for the start and indeed when I arrived the nets were still being erected.
I spotted the Isla crown near the BBQ and I approached cautiously, I hadn’t spoken to Kenny since the Perth volleyball tournament where he and I hadn’t quite hit it off. I had been coaching the side and we’d had a … ‘professional disagreement’ If you define a professional disagreement as me not giving him any games and him frothing a lot and attacking the traffic cone I’d substituted in his place! Suffice to say this incident had left relations ‘strained’.
They were all standing in a circle as I approached ‘Alright boys and girls, how’s it going?’, ‘Alright Ham, how’s things’ I chatted away for a few minutes renewing acquaintances and chewing the fat. Everybody appeared in good spirits and the craic was excellent. Kenny must have been keeping a low profile as he was nowhere in sight. This suited me fine as I was in no hurry to break the ice.
Isla Volleyball Club are a bit of a democracy when it comes to coaching and they tend to rotate this responsibility at most events, hence the reason I’d had a bash in Perth. ‘So who’s coaching today then?’ I enquired ….. there was an awkward silence ….. ‘What? c’mon who’s the lucky one?’ everyone was looking at their shoes or having a lengthy examination of their fingernails ‘c’mon, who’s running the show today?' I noticed they were now all looking behind me. I felt a tap tap tap on my shoulder and with a sinking feeling I slowly turned round ……....‘I am’ said Kenny …. ‘Oh Fu….’
‘Shut your mouth you orrible little man! There’s only two things that comes out of Ellon (my hometown) Puffs or Hermerseksuaaals, which are you boy?’, ‘Eeer aren’t they the sam….ooomfff’, ‘drop and give me twenty boy!!’, ‘Twenty wha..oooompff’, ‘You will not speak until yoos is spoken to my lovely lad’, ‘I is going to turns you into a volleyball player, oh yes I ams’, ‘Is this anything to do with Peraaarrgghhhh’, ‘Shut up shut up shut up SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!’
A couple of things suggested Kenny wasn’t in the mood for a ‘chat’ about Perth, it may have been the fiercely pulsating vein on his forehead, or perhaps the fetching crimson colour he was turning, either way this was clearly not the time to ‘thrash things out’ Although coincidently it was time for Kenny to thrash me with a length of two by four! I took the opportunity to pass out ……
When I awoke I was spread-eagled and staked out on the ground. Kenny was crouched over me, stripped to the waist (upwards thankfully) his face was covered in camouflage paint and he was sporting a Tam ‘o’ Shanter bunnet. I was about to ask why I was not playing in the first game when he started whooping ‘I luuuuuv the smell of turps in the morning wooo eeeeeei’, ‘Eeer that’s nice Kenn.ooomf’, ‘Shut up Charlie!’, ‘But my names not Charlie it’s Haaoommpf', ‘You gonna play ball Charlie?’, ‘Well if you mean volleyball then ye..ooommpppf’, ‘Yoo ah real slow learner aint you boy’, ‘Well I did get 7 o-levels but my I’ll admit my teachers did think I could haveooompff’, ‘Ah’m gonna have to teach you a lesson son’, ‘Well my spanish isnt that great and I could really do with brushing up on my physics’ Last thing I saw was a rapidly approaching fist and this seemed as good a point as any to have another ‘nap’
I’m not sure what the final result was, we were two points ahead and Kenny’s coaching really did seem to be paying dividends. Well right up until they got the straight jacket on, it all got a tad unseemly after that.
Roll on Perth 2005 ……………………
Doei
