Tuesday, July 29, 2003
Ham Shanks Secret Diary - Part 6
Ham Shanks Secret Diary w/c 28th July 2003
Mosquito’s buzz about the hot night air, a light breeze makes the curtains flutter, there’s not another sound in the house you can hear your own breath and the beat of your heart as you lie in bed. Your dreaming nice thoughts, life is good, …….. then ……… the faintest hint of musical notes hanging in the air like ….. like ….. like ……. Like the noisy fucking piece of shit racket that it is … it’s half past six in the fecking morning you bawbag! STOP PLAYING THE HARMONICA!!!
Sorry that’s a bit harsh of me, what I should have said was stop “Learning” to play the fecking harmonica at half six in the morning when yer walking past my house ye inconsiderate nobber!
Another week in the land of cheese and things just get crazier (ok so my close proximity to a coffee shop MAY have something to do with the amount of eedjits but I think cheese poisoning is more likely) Anyway it’s been fairly quite this week – no floating gospel choir, however there was some annual floating thingy on today – loadsa boats going past with bands on, Jazz bands, Spanish guitars, Brass Bands, Rock and roll type bands – It was pretty cool although the Jazz band were pushing the fronteirs of Jazz (i.e. they were shite)
Unless they were all deaf musicians along the lines of Evelyn Glennie and unfortunately they all had different sheet music and nobody had the heart to tell the poor basaards! anyway they sounded like they were reaming a cat with a wire brush – But who am I to say after all my musical abilities don’t set the world on fire (yet – My new comb and paper “unplugged” album is coming out soon).
I cant remember if I told you about the Jazz band that Allan and I watched a couple of weeks back but I think it was the same lot (Aker Bilk …. Shiiiiite!)
Me twin Bruvva was across this weekend and I took him to see some of the sights around toon (ok so I took him to a lot of the bars round toon, but they are sights …. YES they are!) Anyway we were sitting at a wee pub just up the road enjoying watching the world go by over a few blizzardly cold beers when one of the Netherlands better ideas past by. It’s called the Feitscafe (CycleCafe) I have included a hyper link to their website so ye believe me.
Basically there is a big keg of beer on the front (very important bit that) and two “bars” the are opposite each other. Each bar has 4 stools and each barstool has a set of bike pedals underneath and ye just pedal away and help yersel tae beer from the handy pump at the bar, hey presto moving pub! (there is a driver as well) Could ye imagine that in the UK! – HSE would have everybody wearing harnesses and hardhats! (there must be a floating one as well cos the cloggies dee everything on water!)
Had an interesting experience in the Kebab shop this week – The first place I’ve been where they don’t speak english (poor show, Johnny Foreigner needs to buckle down and learn English!) anyway I thought I had ordered a kebab ….. 5 minutes later the guy is shouting something and everybody is looking at me …. Ok ….. I get to the counter and he hands me some chips ………. Hmmmm I don’t remember ordering chips (frites) but hey maybe it’s kebab plus frites, so I sit down and start scoffing my frites whilst wating for my parasite ridden body temerature undercooked “lamb” kebab ……….
Another 5 minutes and no kebab (I’ve finished the chips) another 5 minutes and I’m getting concerned (these were expensive chips – 4 euros) then this bloke comes in and starts girning cos he hasn’t got his frites (the evidence is now in my stomach) the guy points across to the empty chair where I was sitting 2 seconds ago and I hear the rammy start as I’m cycling down the road at warp factor eight (propelled by adrenaline and the carbohydrate from my stolen frites!) Life hear is such an adventure!
Went for a cycle roond the toon today – and went down a different part for a gander. Despite all my jokes about Red windows and fingers in dykes I hadnt actually seen Utrechts red light district yet ……… well I have now ……… and just to be different the red light district here is a floating red light district! I kid you not – about 30 houseboats moored in a huge long line.
Each boat has about 4 “windows” and the ladies ply their trade as in Amsterdam (cept there is a wee gangway for getting onboard) “Permission to come on board captain” takes on a whole new meaning! – Only in the Netherlands what a country. I wonder if they have a sticker saying “If this boats a rocking don’t come a knocking” more likely it would be “If this boats a rocking please take a ticket and wait your turn” (they like tickets here)
Bizarre considering the trains are a complete bun fight every day, queuing and good manners dissapear – pregnant women and children get trampled underfoot as soon as the train door open – they find gaps that ye couldn’t get a ferret in! That’s why they are all so tall and thin it’s so the feckers can sneak up the inside of ye as yer just about to set foot on the train or sit in the seat that you’ve nearly got half a buttock on already.
I find the easiest way to avoid an akward encounter is to just push the big lanky bastards out of the way shouting “Achtung achtung zis train is for officers only you Inferior scum” (whilst Saluting and holding your finger above your top lip) …… Works for me! If I get any funny looks I just say “well you should have tried a bit harder 60 years ago – it’s your own fault” ………… my court case is in 2 weeks, should be back in blighty in three!
Okey Dokey kids that’s me for another week - Y’all take care now and as the Dutch say “Shtop taking the pish out of my accent you Shcots Bashtard”
Doei
Ps Mad dutch stuff : http://www.fietscafe.nl/
Mosquito’s buzz about the hot night air, a light breeze makes the curtains flutter, there’s not another sound in the house you can hear your own breath and the beat of your heart as you lie in bed. Your dreaming nice thoughts, life is good, …….. then ……… the faintest hint of musical notes hanging in the air like ….. like ….. like ……. Like the noisy fucking piece of shit racket that it is … it’s half past six in the fecking morning you bawbag! STOP PLAYING THE HARMONICA!!!
Sorry that’s a bit harsh of me, what I should have said was stop “Learning” to play the fecking harmonica at half six in the morning when yer walking past my house ye inconsiderate nobber!
Another week in the land of cheese and things just get crazier (ok so my close proximity to a coffee shop MAY have something to do with the amount of eedjits but I think cheese poisoning is more likely) Anyway it’s been fairly quite this week – no floating gospel choir, however there was some annual floating thingy on today – loadsa boats going past with bands on, Jazz bands, Spanish guitars, Brass Bands, Rock and roll type bands – It was pretty cool although the Jazz band were pushing the fronteirs of Jazz (i.e. they were shite)
Unless they were all deaf musicians along the lines of Evelyn Glennie and unfortunately they all had different sheet music and nobody had the heart to tell the poor basaards! anyway they sounded like they were reaming a cat with a wire brush – But who am I to say after all my musical abilities don’t set the world on fire (yet – My new comb and paper “unplugged” album is coming out soon).
I cant remember if I told you about the Jazz band that Allan and I watched a couple of weeks back but I think it was the same lot (Aker Bilk …. Shiiiiite!)
Me twin Bruvva was across this weekend and I took him to see some of the sights around toon (ok so I took him to a lot of the bars round toon, but they are sights …. YES they are!) Anyway we were sitting at a wee pub just up the road enjoying watching the world go by over a few blizzardly cold beers when one of the Netherlands better ideas past by. It’s called the Feitscafe (CycleCafe) I have included a hyper link to their website so ye believe me.
Basically there is a big keg of beer on the front (very important bit that) and two “bars” the are opposite each other. Each bar has 4 stools and each barstool has a set of bike pedals underneath and ye just pedal away and help yersel tae beer from the handy pump at the bar, hey presto moving pub! (there is a driver as well) Could ye imagine that in the UK! – HSE would have everybody wearing harnesses and hardhats! (there must be a floating one as well cos the cloggies dee everything on water!)
Had an interesting experience in the Kebab shop this week – The first place I’ve been where they don’t speak english (poor show, Johnny Foreigner needs to buckle down and learn English!) anyway I thought I had ordered a kebab ….. 5 minutes later the guy is shouting something and everybody is looking at me …. Ok ….. I get to the counter and he hands me some chips ………. Hmmmm I don’t remember ordering chips (frites) but hey maybe it’s kebab plus frites, so I sit down and start scoffing my frites whilst wating for my parasite ridden body temerature undercooked “lamb” kebab ……….
Another 5 minutes and no kebab (I’ve finished the chips) another 5 minutes and I’m getting concerned (these were expensive chips – 4 euros) then this bloke comes in and starts girning cos he hasn’t got his frites (the evidence is now in my stomach) the guy points across to the empty chair where I was sitting 2 seconds ago and I hear the rammy start as I’m cycling down the road at warp factor eight (propelled by adrenaline and the carbohydrate from my stolen frites!) Life hear is such an adventure!
Went for a cycle roond the toon today – and went down a different part for a gander. Despite all my jokes about Red windows and fingers in dykes I hadnt actually seen Utrechts red light district yet ……… well I have now ……… and just to be different the red light district here is a floating red light district! I kid you not – about 30 houseboats moored in a huge long line.
Each boat has about 4 “windows” and the ladies ply their trade as in Amsterdam (cept there is a wee gangway for getting onboard) “Permission to come on board captain” takes on a whole new meaning! – Only in the Netherlands what a country. I wonder if they have a sticker saying “If this boats a rocking don’t come a knocking” more likely it would be “If this boats a rocking please take a ticket and wait your turn” (they like tickets here)
Bizarre considering the trains are a complete bun fight every day, queuing and good manners dissapear – pregnant women and children get trampled underfoot as soon as the train door open – they find gaps that ye couldn’t get a ferret in! That’s why they are all so tall and thin it’s so the feckers can sneak up the inside of ye as yer just about to set foot on the train or sit in the seat that you’ve nearly got half a buttock on already.
I find the easiest way to avoid an akward encounter is to just push the big lanky bastards out of the way shouting “Achtung achtung zis train is for officers only you Inferior scum” (whilst Saluting and holding your finger above your top lip) …… Works for me! If I get any funny looks I just say “well you should have tried a bit harder 60 years ago – it’s your own fault” ………… my court case is in 2 weeks, should be back in blighty in three!
Okey Dokey kids that’s me for another week - Y’all take care now and as the Dutch say “Shtop taking the pish out of my accent you Shcots Bashtard”
Doei
Ps Mad dutch stuff : http://www.fietscafe.nl/
