Tuesday, July 22, 2003
Ham Shanks Secret Diary - Part 5
Ham Shanks Secret Diary w/c 21st July 2003
“Dear god make it stop, I cannay take it anymore, The Bells ................. The Bells ………… THE BELLS!” (and it’s not even the whisky) - I feel like the fecking hunchback of Notra bleeding whatsit! Somebody make them stop, you cant tune a bell so why are you trying to play a tune ON a bell – Ding fecking dong and that’s it done and dusted …… end of tune ….. step away from the bell and put your hands on your head before someone gets hurt …… i.e. YOU!
Hello everybody!
I was going to look up the dictionary for the “proper” word for bell ringer, however as I didn’t know what it was (often wondered how you check the spelling of a word if you don’t know how to spell it ….) Anyway I was unwilling to look at every word in the dictionary until I got the one I needed (and of course “Arsehole” is at the start and that seemed a perfect fit anyway)
Last week was “whistler” week ……. this week has been “Holy jo baatards clanging their bells” perhaps this is some particularly holy week in the Netherlands – who knows, but they have been giving the bell ringing big licks in Utrecht
It’s like they are having a competition, one will start and you can just imagine some bawbag in another Kirk going “HA you call that a bell, THIS is a bell” and the original geezer going “Right ya bas I’ll sort you oot” then phoning all his pals and getting them in in tae ring ALL the other bells at once! Then ye can see the second boy rolling his sleeves up muttering “come to papa” and he starts on “The BIG Bell” …………… great!
Oh and they have “Floating Choirs” here as well – I kid you not, I’m watching the telly, some interesting programe about cheese was on, when I hear sweet voices in the distance ….. the noise is getting louder …. What the feck …….. I have a gander oot the window and there is a flotilla of “Canal Bikes” (which are kinda pedalo things rather than loose wummin by the water)
Each one has 4 women giving it Laldy with sorta groovy Gospal Choir stuff – The ladies wernt quite your stereotypical gospel choir big black mamas however one lady did have a cleavage you could ski down and a blouse as thick as rizzla paper (not that I noticed you understand) And the music was actually quite pleasant (if not a bit surreal) and as soon as it had started, they were gone ……………….. nothing sinister they just “biked” up the canal.
Well I’m assuming they did, they may have been topedoed be a rogue U-boat left over from the war but if it’s been hiding in the canal for 60 years then the crew would be a bit crumbly by now, and to be fair the canals are only about 12 feet deep so it’s really not a viable theory ……….. periscope would stick out ……….. and they couldn’t turn round cos the canals are too narrow ….. silly really – don’t know what I was thinking of …….. sorry!
Did I mention that Friday’s are “Fish” days here? Did I? (Well they are) and the Cloggies like Fish almost as much as they like cheese (note to self: invent fish cheese and become a cloggy millionaire) so anyway Fridays at the canteen mean that instead of the usual selection of cheeses and deep fried cruchy stuff we get a huge selection of cheeses and deep fried fish products ….. which is why we eat out on a Friday.
Raw herring in brine is apparently a delicacy here ………….. you just roll your head back and drop it straight down your gullet …. Right … I thought I’d improve on the process by missing out the middle man and just flushing the fish straight down the cludge! Better still - spend your money on beer rather than snacks that taste like a bag of salt and have the consistency of freezer bags (I’m a fan you can tell).
Went to see “The secretary” at the movies ………. Hmmmm If you liked “Being John Malkovic” then you would probably like this film … however if like me you thought “Being John Malkovic” was the biggest pile of unmitigated shite you’d ever had the misfortune to sit through and that it was an insult to your eyes …. Then you wont like this Secretary either.
I think the guy who sat in front of us (who watched the movie completely off his tits smoking a spliff) probably enjoyed it on any number of levels (I’d have settled for one!) Anyway ye don’t know if ye don’t go! (Terminator III is out this week – more my bag baby) Although I’ve heard Arnie’s on a zimmer frame which detracts somewhat - Enough of the film reviews.
Here’s some “advert” reviews I particularly like the adverts for “Fa” I have absolutely no idea what it’s for (I think it’s an underarm deodorant or a hairspray of a washing powder or axle grease, whatever) however it does seem to involve gratuitous female nudity (never a bad thing) My second favourite ad is on one of the satellite channels – “Peel away the Pounds” (accompanied by unfeasibly large smile and scary amount of teeth) “I used to be 310 pounds (Queue Old photo of lardass looking unhappy) THEN I started using the “Peel away the pounds” system – just one simple patch on your arm and a “Shake” before each meal and you feel full and no longer overeat (they forget to mention the Jaw wiring)
Queue new photograph of blonde bomshell with arse hanging out of a g-string …. But no facial photo ….. is this the same person? ……… yeah right, stop me I’m going for the phone, no really I am, it’s got to work – It’s on the telly! I’ve decided to go on the “Feel away the pounds” program, this involves feeling up good looking young lassies ……….. then having to sprint like buggery to avoid being caught by them their boyfriends and or The police! I’m telling you it’s a winner, I’ve lost thirteen pounds already (and 250 Euros in fines) I’m thinking of starting a “Bike away the pounds” scheme too (Watch this space)
Anyway better awa tae ma bed, part of parole conditions ensure that I’m not out after sundown ……….
Doei
Ps Started some Dutch lessons apparently “Shtoooop thish joke is not ready yet” isnt very funny to the natives ………. Maybe I shouldn’t have worn the clogs ……………
“Dear god make it stop, I cannay take it anymore, The Bells ................. The Bells ………… THE BELLS!” (and it’s not even the whisky) - I feel like the fecking hunchback of Notra bleeding whatsit! Somebody make them stop, you cant tune a bell so why are you trying to play a tune ON a bell – Ding fecking dong and that’s it done and dusted …… end of tune ….. step away from the bell and put your hands on your head before someone gets hurt …… i.e. YOU!
Hello everybody!
I was going to look up the dictionary for the “proper” word for bell ringer, however as I didn’t know what it was (often wondered how you check the spelling of a word if you don’t know how to spell it ….) Anyway I was unwilling to look at every word in the dictionary until I got the one I needed (and of course “Arsehole” is at the start and that seemed a perfect fit anyway)
Last week was “whistler” week ……. this week has been “Holy jo baatards clanging their bells” perhaps this is some particularly holy week in the Netherlands – who knows, but they have been giving the bell ringing big licks in Utrecht
It’s like they are having a competition, one will start and you can just imagine some bawbag in another Kirk going “HA you call that a bell, THIS is a bell” and the original geezer going “Right ya bas I’ll sort you oot” then phoning all his pals and getting them in in tae ring ALL the other bells at once! Then ye can see the second boy rolling his sleeves up muttering “come to papa” and he starts on “The BIG Bell” …………… great!
Oh and they have “Floating Choirs” here as well – I kid you not, I’m watching the telly, some interesting programe about cheese was on, when I hear sweet voices in the distance ….. the noise is getting louder …. What the feck …….. I have a gander oot the window and there is a flotilla of “Canal Bikes” (which are kinda pedalo things rather than loose wummin by the water)
Each one has 4 women giving it Laldy with sorta groovy Gospal Choir stuff – The ladies wernt quite your stereotypical gospel choir big black mamas however one lady did have a cleavage you could ski down and a blouse as thick as rizzla paper (not that I noticed you understand) And the music was actually quite pleasant (if not a bit surreal) and as soon as it had started, they were gone ……………….. nothing sinister they just “biked” up the canal.
Well I’m assuming they did, they may have been topedoed be a rogue U-boat left over from the war but if it’s been hiding in the canal for 60 years then the crew would be a bit crumbly by now, and to be fair the canals are only about 12 feet deep so it’s really not a viable theory ……….. periscope would stick out ……….. and they couldn’t turn round cos the canals are too narrow ….. silly really – don’t know what I was thinking of …….. sorry!
Did I mention that Friday’s are “Fish” days here? Did I? (Well they are) and the Cloggies like Fish almost as much as they like cheese (note to self: invent fish cheese and become a cloggy millionaire) so anyway Fridays at the canteen mean that instead of the usual selection of cheeses and deep fried cruchy stuff we get a huge selection of cheeses and deep fried fish products ….. which is why we eat out on a Friday.
Raw herring in brine is apparently a delicacy here ………….. you just roll your head back and drop it straight down your gullet …. Right … I thought I’d improve on the process by missing out the middle man and just flushing the fish straight down the cludge! Better still - spend your money on beer rather than snacks that taste like a bag of salt and have the consistency of freezer bags (I’m a fan you can tell).
Went to see “The secretary” at the movies ………. Hmmmm If you liked “Being John Malkovic” then you would probably like this film … however if like me you thought “Being John Malkovic” was the biggest pile of unmitigated shite you’d ever had the misfortune to sit through and that it was an insult to your eyes …. Then you wont like this Secretary either.
I think the guy who sat in front of us (who watched the movie completely off his tits smoking a spliff) probably enjoyed it on any number of levels (I’d have settled for one!) Anyway ye don’t know if ye don’t go! (Terminator III is out this week – more my bag baby) Although I’ve heard Arnie’s on a zimmer frame which detracts somewhat - Enough of the film reviews.
Here’s some “advert” reviews I particularly like the adverts for “Fa” I have absolutely no idea what it’s for (I think it’s an underarm deodorant or a hairspray of a washing powder or axle grease, whatever) however it does seem to involve gratuitous female nudity (never a bad thing) My second favourite ad is on one of the satellite channels – “Peel away the Pounds” (accompanied by unfeasibly large smile and scary amount of teeth) “I used to be 310 pounds (Queue Old photo of lardass looking unhappy) THEN I started using the “Peel away the pounds” system – just one simple patch on your arm and a “Shake” before each meal and you feel full and no longer overeat (they forget to mention the Jaw wiring)
Queue new photograph of blonde bomshell with arse hanging out of a g-string …. But no facial photo ….. is this the same person? ……… yeah right, stop me I’m going for the phone, no really I am, it’s got to work – It’s on the telly! I’ve decided to go on the “Feel away the pounds” program, this involves feeling up good looking young lassies ……….. then having to sprint like buggery to avoid being caught by them their boyfriends and or The police! I’m telling you it’s a winner, I’ve lost thirteen pounds already (and 250 Euros in fines) I’m thinking of starting a “Bike away the pounds” scheme too (Watch this space)
Anyway better awa tae ma bed, part of parole conditions ensure that I’m not out after sundown ……….
Doei
Ps Started some Dutch lessons apparently “Shtoooop thish joke is not ready yet” isnt very funny to the natives ………. Maybe I shouldn’t have worn the clogs ……………
