Tuesday, July 15, 2003
Ham Shanks Secret Diary - Part 4
Ham Shanks Secret Diary w/c 14th July 2003
What a week – To quote a famous film – “It’s been hotter than a snakes ass in a wagon rutt!”, “Gonna do a little crotchpot cooking, it’s that hot!” Get the picture?
So anyway I have an enormous fan in my bedroom (No….. not a huge fat women that like me a lot …..… a fan as in an electric fan) anyway up until this week I was wondering what it was for, were not in the tropics after all – Yes we fecking are!
I’ve been sweating like an Orkney Dad, I have found out it works best at close quarters (we are still talking fans before you start worrying) About 3 feet from the bed and maximum warp – this way it offers some cooling and also blows the fecking mossies away (one down side of keeping all the windows open). I’m seriously thinking of lashing out for a portable aircon unit but I think the landlady may go a bit Raj if she see’s me coming up the stairs with an electricity guzzler like that (lecky bills are inclusive).
It’s a tough life so what can ye do except drink blizzardly cold beer in an effort to keep the temperature down. To this end myself and Dr Frame were oot at a wee belgian pub on Tuesday putting the worlds to rights over a couple of frostie ones. We sensibly decided to cycle home (at midnght) before things got too messy (it was a school night after all). It’s amazing how a brisk 15 minute cycle helps the alcohol flow through the veins, I was feeling ok when I left the pub but I was pretty steaming by the time I got home, it was at this point that I realised I’d left my jacket in the pub (Doh)
Ah feckit I’ll just have to go back and gerrit another time. I slumped on the bed and sparked up the fan, aaaaaahhh sweet sweet fan how I love thee (still the electric one).
Wednesday night was a quiet night in ………… well it would have been had the “Whistler” not turned up at the coffee shop again. There appears to be a “regular” customer of the coffee shop in front of my house - he appears to be fond of whistling, now I’m a reasonable man (yes I am!) and whistling is perfectly acceptable behaviour (for about a pico-second) however our self soiled local hero appears to be attempting to mimic a wild bird call, I think it’s the call of the “lesser spotted irritating tosser” and he’s got it down to a T – he can also keep up this call for 30 minutes without stopping!.
I’m not sure what the assault laws are yet so I’m refraining from kicking his stinking arse into the canal. As a compromise I went for a cycle instead, when I got back he was gone, lets hope he’s gone for a swim wearing concrete wellies....
Friday night was a night oot in the dam – straight frae work (it’s got disaster written all over it I know) however was actually a sensible night, nearly witnessed a fight in the chinese we went to (all you can eat for 7 euro 50 cents – woo hoo) I don’t know quite what started it off but this English geezer told the proprietor (who was obviously of Oriental origin) to “Fuck off you chinky c*nt” needless to say said owner didn’t take this too well – Unfortunately he was no Bruce Lee so instead of some groovy Kung Foo fighting and a bit of anglo-ass-kicking he simply screamed “Get out now” this had little effect......
Isnt it great though, the Brits can be proud, the only bother I’ve seen so far and it’s exported racism from blighty – Must get a pair of Union Jack underpants! The rest of the night was groovy, thankfully Dr Frame was on the super strong belgian beers so he was “rubber manny” long before me and we managed to get the 1:30 am train and we wur back in Utrecht by 2 am – time for a quick pitstop at the “Frite shop” (Chipper to you and me) sadly I only got a blank look when I asked for a haggis supper!
Saturday morning and I bumped into yet another nutter – I was getting my bike out of the shed and this “ethnic” looking geezer stops at the shed door, I have one hand on the door and the other hand on my bike. This bloke starts chanting “Ik bin Catholik, Ik bin Catholik” several times over, followed by “Fuck Osama, Fuck Muslim Fuck the pope” (think he got a bit confused there) this went on for about a minute, I’m still standing there looking at this geeezer (slackjawed, saying nothing) then he just starts skipping and I mean skipping down the road.
It was a surreal moment, I looked up and down the street for the candid camera but nothing appeared. I have to give him 9 out of 10 for comical skipping though. The only way he could have improved would be if just before he turned the corner he had jumped and clicked his heels together – But hey you cannay have everything, as nutters go he was class A, top drawer, doolally!
You may remember from previous rants that I opened a bank account 2 weeks ago. Well glory be I find a letter when get home on Friday night telling me cards are ready – woo Hoo. They don’t post cards out here, you have to pick them up (security wise actually quite sensible, if not a bit irritating) I am a Cloggy it’s official, Dutch bank card, bike and resident nutter – sorted
Decided to spend some Euros with ma shiney new card. Though I need a pair of sunglasses cos it’s so fecking sunny (and I forgot to bring a pair) how hard could it be …… weeeeelll I went round Hunners of shops and could I find sunglasses – could I buggery, eventually after about 2 and a half hours I got a pair ………. Well they must have a trick mirror in the shop OR I was looking at another baldy ginger bloke that had a nice pair of glasses on OR the sun must have gone to my head by then cos when I got home and looked in the mirror ……………….. Peters and Lee ……
For fecks sake the only thing missing was a guide dog and a white fecking stick. Although I’m beginning to think that maybe I am blind considering I bought the feckers in the first place.
Anyway repleat with my NHS specials I stumbled round to Allan and Sannes (I’m beginning to think they are painted black on the inside) “What do you think kids?”………….. their laughter is still ringing in my ears …………. Still ye’ve got to laugh ………. Apparently
Ho hum – Shall sign off for this week – every cloud has a silver lining though I get my guide dog next week and apparently under the dutch social service system a blind person is entitled to the services of a hooker once a week – woo hoo it’s like buy one get one free!
Slaiter Aifter kids
Doei
What a week – To quote a famous film – “It’s been hotter than a snakes ass in a wagon rutt!”, “Gonna do a little crotchpot cooking, it’s that hot!” Get the picture?
So anyway I have an enormous fan in my bedroom (No….. not a huge fat women that like me a lot …..… a fan as in an electric fan) anyway up until this week I was wondering what it was for, were not in the tropics after all – Yes we fecking are!
I’ve been sweating like an Orkney Dad, I have found out it works best at close quarters (we are still talking fans before you start worrying) About 3 feet from the bed and maximum warp – this way it offers some cooling and also blows the fecking mossies away (one down side of keeping all the windows open). I’m seriously thinking of lashing out for a portable aircon unit but I think the landlady may go a bit Raj if she see’s me coming up the stairs with an electricity guzzler like that (lecky bills are inclusive).
It’s a tough life so what can ye do except drink blizzardly cold beer in an effort to keep the temperature down. To this end myself and Dr Frame were oot at a wee belgian pub on Tuesday putting the worlds to rights over a couple of frostie ones. We sensibly decided to cycle home (at midnght) before things got too messy (it was a school night after all). It’s amazing how a brisk 15 minute cycle helps the alcohol flow through the veins, I was feeling ok when I left the pub but I was pretty steaming by the time I got home, it was at this point that I realised I’d left my jacket in the pub (Doh)
Ah feckit I’ll just have to go back and gerrit another time. I slumped on the bed and sparked up the fan, aaaaaahhh sweet sweet fan how I love thee (still the electric one).
Wednesday night was a quiet night in ………… well it would have been had the “Whistler” not turned up at the coffee shop again. There appears to be a “regular” customer of the coffee shop in front of my house - he appears to be fond of whistling, now I’m a reasonable man (yes I am!) and whistling is perfectly acceptable behaviour (for about a pico-second) however our self soiled local hero appears to be attempting to mimic a wild bird call, I think it’s the call of the “lesser spotted irritating tosser” and he’s got it down to a T – he can also keep up this call for 30 minutes without stopping!.
I’m not sure what the assault laws are yet so I’m refraining from kicking his stinking arse into the canal. As a compromise I went for a cycle instead, when I got back he was gone, lets hope he’s gone for a swim wearing concrete wellies....
Friday night was a night oot in the dam – straight frae work (it’s got disaster written all over it I know) however was actually a sensible night, nearly witnessed a fight in the chinese we went to (all you can eat for 7 euro 50 cents – woo hoo) I don’t know quite what started it off but this English geezer told the proprietor (who was obviously of Oriental origin) to “Fuck off you chinky c*nt” needless to say said owner didn’t take this too well – Unfortunately he was no Bruce Lee so instead of some groovy Kung Foo fighting and a bit of anglo-ass-kicking he simply screamed “Get out now” this had little effect......
Isnt it great though, the Brits can be proud, the only bother I’ve seen so far and it’s exported racism from blighty – Must get a pair of Union Jack underpants! The rest of the night was groovy, thankfully Dr Frame was on the super strong belgian beers so he was “rubber manny” long before me and we managed to get the 1:30 am train and we wur back in Utrecht by 2 am – time for a quick pitstop at the “Frite shop” (Chipper to you and me) sadly I only got a blank look when I asked for a haggis supper!
Saturday morning and I bumped into yet another nutter – I was getting my bike out of the shed and this “ethnic” looking geezer stops at the shed door, I have one hand on the door and the other hand on my bike. This bloke starts chanting “Ik bin Catholik, Ik bin Catholik” several times over, followed by “Fuck Osama, Fuck Muslim Fuck the pope” (think he got a bit confused there) this went on for about a minute, I’m still standing there looking at this geeezer (slackjawed, saying nothing) then he just starts skipping and I mean skipping down the road.
It was a surreal moment, I looked up and down the street for the candid camera but nothing appeared. I have to give him 9 out of 10 for comical skipping though. The only way he could have improved would be if just before he turned the corner he had jumped and clicked his heels together – But hey you cannay have everything, as nutters go he was class A, top drawer, doolally!
You may remember from previous rants that I opened a bank account 2 weeks ago. Well glory be I find a letter when get home on Friday night telling me cards are ready – woo Hoo. They don’t post cards out here, you have to pick them up (security wise actually quite sensible, if not a bit irritating) I am a Cloggy it’s official, Dutch bank card, bike and resident nutter – sorted
Decided to spend some Euros with ma shiney new card. Though I need a pair of sunglasses cos it’s so fecking sunny (and I forgot to bring a pair) how hard could it be …… weeeeelll I went round Hunners of shops and could I find sunglasses – could I buggery, eventually after about 2 and a half hours I got a pair ………. Well they must have a trick mirror in the shop OR I was looking at another baldy ginger bloke that had a nice pair of glasses on OR the sun must have gone to my head by then cos when I got home and looked in the mirror ……………….. Peters and Lee ……
For fecks sake the only thing missing was a guide dog and a white fecking stick. Although I’m beginning to think that maybe I am blind considering I bought the feckers in the first place.
Anyway repleat with my NHS specials I stumbled round to Allan and Sannes (I’m beginning to think they are painted black on the inside) “What do you think kids?”………….. their laughter is still ringing in my ears …………. Still ye’ve got to laugh ………. Apparently
Ho hum – Shall sign off for this week – every cloud has a silver lining though I get my guide dog next week and apparently under the dutch social service system a blind person is entitled to the services of a hooker once a week – woo hoo it’s like buy one get one free!
Slaiter Aifter kids
Doei
