Wednesday, July 09, 2003
Ham Shanks Secret Diary - Part 3
Ham Shanks Secret Diary W/C 8th July 2003
What can I say in my defence except “That’s why they call it puuuuuuuupppyyy loooooooveeee Oooohhhh aaahhhhh” …………..….Your honour!
100 Euros indeed it wasn’t as if the dog didn’t enjoy it.
Hello Everybody (In the Manner of Dr Nick Riviera)
Another week gone by in the land of cheese – you may be interested to know that the Dutchies eat the most dairy products per capita of any nation in the world! (Yeah I know I wasn’t interested either) However now that I have to shop here you wouldn’t believe the bewilderment a cheese counter can bring. Young cheese, old cheese, thick rind, thin rind, light cheese, dark cheese, lumpy, smooth, yellow, orange, green every fecking kinda cheese ye could and couldna think of …. And ye know …………….. I fuckin hate cheese
Only joking, luckily I like it - however don’t eat to much of the “Sambal Kaas” that’s “Chilli cheese” to you and me. It didn’t seem too hot on entry, it was a wee bit more nippy during digestion but glory be it really saved itself for the final curtain! – I do believe the stuff should come with some complimentary iced toilet paper or some soothing ointment, sitting on a wasps nest would have been a blessed relief. Anyway at least I know where A & E is now.
Oh I am nearly a proper Dutchman now as I have a bike, a second hand “Stadsfeit” (citybike) we would probably refer to it as a boneshaker or a “bag’a’shite” - Not bad for 65 euros and as it will probably be knicked withing three months so nae point in lashing oot. Other option is wait till late at night when the “Special” bike shop opens, you can get a bike for about 20 euros - the sales assistant invariably has no teeth, a body odour issue and is cycling away from the scene of the crime shouting “Feits fer koop” (bike for sale)
Thought I’d buy a legit one first time round. I have to say that the bike is THE way to travel here. Everybody has told me to spend as much money on a lock as on the bike, oh and buy two locks, cos if ye only lock the front wheel they will nick the rest of the bike and vice versa – then they just marry the two bits the gether and hey presto you come out of the pub and ……no bike ……a lingering odour of sardines and the distant cry of “Feits fer koop”.
So to try oot the new purchase (while I still had it) I went for a cycle with Dr Frame on Wednesday night and we had a wee pitstop at this pub in Zeist, couple of nourishing beers to sustain us for the journey home (Served as ever by a gorgeous Dutch lassy – I’m gonnay have to wear a bib I’m dribbling so much) and a scenic route back.
Those of you that met Allan in Amsterdam wil be aware of “Allan minutes” versus earth minutes – The same applies on the bike! “Just 10 more minutes pal” (on the train maybe) got home in time to catch the late night telly ….. interesting ………. Very interesting (note to self : don’t go to bed so early)
What else happened this week – Oh yes somebody tried to burn the house down, which was nice. The rubbish gets picked up on a Monday morning and this Monday there were about twenty bags instead of the usual 1 or 2. Looks like some ned was coming out of the nearby coffee shop early morning and thought it would be a laaf to have a barbeque!
Apparently there were flames licking half way up the side of the house and some geezer just happened to be walking by – he phoned the feds and the firebrigade and while he was waiting he ran up and down from the canal with a bucket dousing the flames. Me …. I was in ma scratcher snoring like a tractor – Only found out the next morning! I have now examined my escape routes and decided that should this happen again my best plan of action will be to hide under the bed and cry like a schoolgirl OR I could jump out the back window and try and land on the roof or the shed below – Probably going straight through the surface straddling a joist and ending up with an extra set of tonsils and a luvly soprano singing voice OR I could buy about 25 feet of rope and get arrested for abseiling naked out the back window at the first smell of burnt toast from the flat below!
Hurry hurry hurry vote now A for whimpering B for castration and C for indecent exposure hurry hurry hurry lines close at midnight!
On the subject of pyrotechnics I went for a meal with Big Al, Sanne and 4 of their pals we had a kinda self service meal. Everyone at the table gets a wee paraffin stove, a frying pan and they give ye various bits of chicken, beef, pork, veg and ye cook it in yer wee pan at the table.....
See if ye tried this in the UK ye would be shut down in 30 seconds flat, michty me a PARAFFIN stove …….. on the table …….. THE TABLE!!!!! And everybody is getting rubbered Alcohol and kerosene is a dangerous mixture.
Charlie says “MeaooowwwYou’llgetbarbaquedyestupidfuckers…eoooww” and the thing was ye could only fit about 1 bit of chicken and half a mushroom on yer pan! and the strangest thing of all was that there was …………… no cheese!
Oh oh oh gorra great day trip planned for any of you kids that come out – There is a great place called the “Pancake House” well that’s what it translates as which does THE most fantastic scran you’ve ever tasted (pancakes funnily enough) – Ye get yersel a carry oot and then board a canal boat trip which dumps you at said pancake hoose and gives ye 2 hrs tae stuff yer puss. Then they take ye back intae toon and drop ye off at a pub of your choice – how civilised!! (well I thought so)
Anyway that’s all my news from cheesville
Doei fer noo
Ps I was joking at the start I didn’t get arrested for having sex with a puppy ………… it was at least 14 months ………………….. and gagging for it ……… you wouldn’t believe how few sheep there are across here ………… nobody told me that! In hindsight the extra 50 euros were probably for dressing the dog up, in my defence I did try to find a poodle first ……… ahhh I’ve done it again, must remember to not write everything I think.
Take care ‘o’ yersels
Teuchter
What can I say in my defence except “That’s why they call it puuuuuuuupppyyy loooooooveeee Oooohhhh aaahhhhh” …………..….Your honour!
100 Euros indeed it wasn’t as if the dog didn’t enjoy it.
Hello Everybody (In the Manner of Dr Nick Riviera)
Another week gone by in the land of cheese – you may be interested to know that the Dutchies eat the most dairy products per capita of any nation in the world! (Yeah I know I wasn’t interested either) However now that I have to shop here you wouldn’t believe the bewilderment a cheese counter can bring. Young cheese, old cheese, thick rind, thin rind, light cheese, dark cheese, lumpy, smooth, yellow, orange, green every fecking kinda cheese ye could and couldna think of …. And ye know …………….. I fuckin hate cheese
Only joking, luckily I like it - however don’t eat to much of the “Sambal Kaas” that’s “Chilli cheese” to you and me. It didn’t seem too hot on entry, it was a wee bit more nippy during digestion but glory be it really saved itself for the final curtain! – I do believe the stuff should come with some complimentary iced toilet paper or some soothing ointment, sitting on a wasps nest would have been a blessed relief. Anyway at least I know where A & E is now.
Oh I am nearly a proper Dutchman now as I have a bike, a second hand “Stadsfeit” (citybike) we would probably refer to it as a boneshaker or a “bag’a’shite” - Not bad for 65 euros and as it will probably be knicked withing three months so nae point in lashing oot. Other option is wait till late at night when the “Special” bike shop opens, you can get a bike for about 20 euros - the sales assistant invariably has no teeth, a body odour issue and is cycling away from the scene of the crime shouting “Feits fer koop” (bike for sale)
Thought I’d buy a legit one first time round. I have to say that the bike is THE way to travel here. Everybody has told me to spend as much money on a lock as on the bike, oh and buy two locks, cos if ye only lock the front wheel they will nick the rest of the bike and vice versa – then they just marry the two bits the gether and hey presto you come out of the pub and ……no bike ……a lingering odour of sardines and the distant cry of “Feits fer koop”.
So to try oot the new purchase (while I still had it) I went for a cycle with Dr Frame on Wednesday night and we had a wee pitstop at this pub in Zeist, couple of nourishing beers to sustain us for the journey home (Served as ever by a gorgeous Dutch lassy – I’m gonnay have to wear a bib I’m dribbling so much) and a scenic route back.
Those of you that met Allan in Amsterdam wil be aware of “Allan minutes” versus earth minutes – The same applies on the bike! “Just 10 more minutes pal” (on the train maybe) got home in time to catch the late night telly ….. interesting ………. Very interesting (note to self : don’t go to bed so early)
What else happened this week – Oh yes somebody tried to burn the house down, which was nice. The rubbish gets picked up on a Monday morning and this Monday there were about twenty bags instead of the usual 1 or 2. Looks like some ned was coming out of the nearby coffee shop early morning and thought it would be a laaf to have a barbeque!
Apparently there were flames licking half way up the side of the house and some geezer just happened to be walking by – he phoned the feds and the firebrigade and while he was waiting he ran up and down from the canal with a bucket dousing the flames. Me …. I was in ma scratcher snoring like a tractor – Only found out the next morning! I have now examined my escape routes and decided that should this happen again my best plan of action will be to hide under the bed and cry like a schoolgirl OR I could jump out the back window and try and land on the roof or the shed below – Probably going straight through the surface straddling a joist and ending up with an extra set of tonsils and a luvly soprano singing voice OR I could buy about 25 feet of rope and get arrested for abseiling naked out the back window at the first smell of burnt toast from the flat below!
Hurry hurry hurry vote now A for whimpering B for castration and C for indecent exposure hurry hurry hurry lines close at midnight!
On the subject of pyrotechnics I went for a meal with Big Al, Sanne and 4 of their pals we had a kinda self service meal. Everyone at the table gets a wee paraffin stove, a frying pan and they give ye various bits of chicken, beef, pork, veg and ye cook it in yer wee pan at the table.....
See if ye tried this in the UK ye would be shut down in 30 seconds flat, michty me a PARAFFIN stove …….. on the table …….. THE TABLE!!!!! And everybody is getting rubbered Alcohol and kerosene is a dangerous mixture.
Charlie says “MeaooowwwYou’llgetbarbaquedyestupidfuckers…eoooww” and the thing was ye could only fit about 1 bit of chicken and half a mushroom on yer pan! and the strangest thing of all was that there was …………… no cheese!
Oh oh oh gorra great day trip planned for any of you kids that come out – There is a great place called the “Pancake House” well that’s what it translates as which does THE most fantastic scran you’ve ever tasted (pancakes funnily enough) – Ye get yersel a carry oot and then board a canal boat trip which dumps you at said pancake hoose and gives ye 2 hrs tae stuff yer puss. Then they take ye back intae toon and drop ye off at a pub of your choice – how civilised!! (well I thought so)
Anyway that’s all my news from cheesville
Doei fer noo
Ps I was joking at the start I didn’t get arrested for having sex with a puppy ………… it was at least 14 months ………………….. and gagging for it ……… you wouldn’t believe how few sheep there are across here ………… nobody told me that! In hindsight the extra 50 euros were probably for dressing the dog up, in my defence I did try to find a poodle first ……… ahhh I’ve done it again, must remember to not write everything I think.
Take care ‘o’ yersels
Teuchter
