Hamish McShanks

Ham Shanks Secret Diary W/C 1st July 2003

Stormy Monday and Tuesdaaaaaaay’s twice as bad, Aaaaaah theeeey caaaaall it Stormy Monday etc etc

I appear to have brought the Scottish weather with me – last 6 weeks, baking sunshine, high twenties (celcius) lassies in flimsy see through tops, skirts the width of a belt and nae knickers...

Ham arrives and the rain starts, temperature drops and the boilersuits and balaclavas are on! – cept those wummmin standing at their windows in their undies ……. Hmm merits more investigation ………………… they keep winking at me as well …… nice …

Actually had some work to do this week (shockaroony) this place makes the Pru look like the epitomy of organisation and a super well oiled machine e.g. “So can I have a look at the test plan?” …. “what test plan” ……………. Ooooookay can I have a look at the system spec?” ……. System spec? ………………. Okey dokey, what about the high level requirements? …………… You can have a look at the newspaper ……….. it’s in Dutch! -Michty me I’ve nae idea foo they dee onything ava! – who cares as long as they pay me.

Went Flat hunting on Tuesday – It’s nice to know that estate agents are w*nkers in all countries – wharra bawbag, geezer takes me to see three properties and we spend about 20 minutes in the car getting there - wheras getting off his lazy Dutch arse would have taken him 10 minutes to walk to all the properties – Although it did allow me the opportunity to observe at close quarters a graduate of the RDTDC (Royal Dutch Tosser Driving Company) what a bawbag, nearly mowed down three people on bikes and we went round a one way system three times until we got a space near enough for him to walk his fat a*se to the flat! …………. And he had a big zit on the end of his nose

Having said that the Flat was fecking gorgeous ………. Only one bedroom but it overlooks the canal is 5 mins walk from Centraal station, is 4 doors up from a curry house, a coffee shop and kick in the backside away from hunners of pubs – I liked it so much I signed the lease! (never take the first place you see, so they say)

I did look at two other properties the second was huge but was painted 100% white – a straight jacket and cuffs wouldn’t have looked out of place, the third was fan-feckin-tastic, 100 yards from the best pub in Utrecht and had two bedrooms, unfortunately the owner hadnt quite got the grasp of how to let out a property – leaving the place looking like the Marie Celeste with food in all the cupboards and a shite in the downstairs toilet does not impress – although it was an impressive turd I have to say – I think it was trying to crawl round the u-bend, maybe it was a homing turd, difficult to say, I’ve set a few free in my day but I’m more of a pebbledash man myself. Anyway I digress – I plumped for the first place and signed on the dotted – I move in on Friday

Now to open a bank account ….. how hard could it be? ……………….. hard it would seem. Queued for 15 minutes with my wee “deli-ticket” then was told to join another queue (that’s cool this is The Netherlands, they like queues * except for trains) anyway no worries I’m told it will be a short wait ……………… 45 minutes later (after spending the last 10 minutes been acosted by a man with no teeth or deodorant - nice) I get to speak to the nice man from ABN Amro (biggest bank in cloggysville) Yesh Mr Shanks what can I do for you? …. I’d like to open a current account please … do you have a job, yes I have a six month contract … I’m shorryy Mr Shanks but we can only open a savings account …. Oooookaaay …… You can open a current account if you promise to keep the balance above 25,000 Euros ….

Ha … ha …. Ha fecking Ha – Even allowing for our cheese eating cousins arithmetic ineptitude (2500 Euros was what he meant) he can shtick his account up his a*se (if there is any space left after my boot has been inserted at high speed) I went to the Postbank instead (Postoffice to you and me – but they work as a bank as well) 5 minutes done and dusted – sorted, time for a beer!
Uneventful week at work – fannying around with windows type problems instead of Renewals type problems – found out that the CPS team (Team I’m in) is the poisoned chalice of the Gouden Gids (Yellow Pages) woo hoo! – dinnay care though

Right kids that’s me for another week – Off to the Pub with Dr Frame and then perhaps home via the “Curry & Carry” along the road!

Doei